To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

If DP won’t change the school you can’t make them. But can can refuse to ever do the driving even when there is no other option. If you work stop contributing any money to the family finances. Let DP work out how to pay it.

@Mnetcurious He doesn’t need to pay the maintenance, but he is continuing to do so as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the school fees and they’d have to change schools.

It does sound very tough. It's hard to say if you're BU or not though, without understanding why it's impossible to move. Because relocating to be close to the stepchild's school and social life, before your younger child is established in your current location, sounds like it would solve a lot of the issues. Even if you change schools there'll still be ferrying to and from for social stuff. And don't rule out the child wanting to see their mum at some point in future once the dust settles on whatever happened. So you'll still be going back and forth a lot anyway.

I agree that Mum needs to pay some maintenance.

More than that is the issue that neither parent is is on a private school income so child can’t go any longer. Four years of financial strain is too much for you all.

It’s not maintenance though, it’s half of his child’s school fees. You’re confusing people.

Most private schools require a terms notice, so you’ll still be liable to pay for the spring term until Easter. I’d be checking that out first, hence why your dh is not keen on pulling his ds out of private.

Moving school is not always a bad thing. One of my DC changed school in year 8 (the last term and they are Autistic & ADHD) and this was a very good decision. Children adapt quickly, plus having friends closer to home will be very good for you step child. Making them a part of the decision Wil make transitioning easier.

This is not just about 1 child it is about the family. As your shared child grows they may have issues with their Dad not being there for them. Plus college would either be 45 minutes away or your step child would have to move closer to home then leaving their friends anyway.

No one else is confused!

The DH was paying ex maintenance, which she used to pay private school fees.

No court would have forced DH to pay school fees PLUS maintenance on his income.

@Opine I guess the reason I’m referring to it as maintenance is that he was obliged to pay the money by law when stepchild was living with his mum. He didn’t particularly want stepchild to go to private school. His mum chose to use his maintenance to pay the equivalent of half of the school fees, and now we find ourselves in this position where DP is effectively trapped’ paying this money every month.

This is a good point to put to your DP. If you are barely affording it now and fees go up you could potentially be forced to move him once he's started GCSE subjects which would have a much bigger impact on him. I think 3 hours of travel a day is unsustainable.

You all can't afford to have a child private educated by what you've said,

Before it was maintenance she used to pay school fees. Why does he keep paying it to his Ex, why not just pay his half directly to the school now?

Your DP needs to face reality that you cannot afford to send a child to private school. That, along with the travel time and expense is untenable.

Your DP is being unfair on your whole family by continuing with this situation.

I think you need to put your foot down and try to get him to face reality.

You'll need to give plenty of notice though, if you give it now to say the child will finish in July 2024, then that should be enough.

Sometimes a child has problems with their mental health or has a history or major problems in school. Then finally they find a place where they make friends and settle in. If that’s the case here I would be really trying to not rock the boat, but since you don’t mention anything like that I assume it’s not.

I see what you mean now but it sounded as though you were laying school fees and giving mum money for living costs.

I agree that no
w DSC lives with you you should pay the fees directly. She can send you her half or direct to school. They can invoice you both. You can always apply for a bursary if she hasn’t already got one. Do you think she might?

Perhaps a solicitor could draw up some kind of negotiated settlement. It sounds very tricky, financially, logistically and familially.

Has anyone approached the school to explain the change of circumstances? Lots of private schools view changes in circumstances sympathetically, perhaps the school might extend at least a part-bursary to your DSC.

Why is moving house not an option?
And has your husband seen a school fees invoice? I would suggest it’s possible the child is receiving a bursary. Why doesn’t mum give your husband what she was paying towards the fees and your husband pay the school directly?

It's perfectly possible to change schools in Y8 without it having any effect on GCSEs- children do it every year. However, it may well be an upheaval, particularly if they have no friends locally and are feeling vulnerable. A way to do it might be to spend a few months involving your DSC in local activities- scouts, football or whatever, so he can make some friends and feel more established locally- then move him schools.

You are wrong where you say he is trapped paying this money. He's not. Now that the child is living with you full time permanently, he is not obliged to pay his ex any maintenance. He is choosing to pay half of the school fees, if he wanted to get could have stopped paying the day his child moved in with you.

Yes it sucks that your child won't be able to have the private education that your stepchild has had, but that is the reality for lots of blended families.

Also with private schools a 45 minute school run is not out of the ordinary. My DC's school is 50 minutes from home

This.

Its no good saying but your DP's firstborn was living with his mother. You should have always taken into consideration that this situation could change.

You cannot uproot a child from the only stable thing in their life ie their school when they have already been through so much upheaval.

Does your DP agree that this situation is not affordable?

I think you need to let go of your argument that it’s detrimental to you and your baby for him to be spending time doing long school runs. You and your baby are fine. Considering the level of upheaval it sounds like your stepson has recently been through, he needs that time fare more than you do. His school is the only thing that hasn’t changed and if he wants to stay there, his Dad should be doing his best to make that happen. As he’s already doing that, you should be supporting him.

It sounds like it's not going to be sustainable until the end of year 11 either in terms of time or money. As it is, you're only paying half the fees, and you've said morher is on a low wage too? You'd be far better moving now rather than risking disruption during GCSE years.

Si your dp was paying for childcare fees before,and now paying for .n.

K.6myoym0o ynpnum9ylmmncluppj6mmpjjmmujmmschool fees and living cists.so the difference is just his living cists, which for a 12/13 year old, cant be that much.

My first thought was "she isnt paying the school fees"

If she has a very low income, there is no way she is paying half the fees. Either she has got a bursary with massively reduced fees (due to said low income), or a family member is paying them.

Easy way to find out..... say that you will pay the school directly. Either she will be fine with that or she will go into orbit when she realises that you will find out that the reason she has a very low income is because she is living on what your husband pays her.

I'd actually assumed it was 45 min for a round trip morning and evening? So 1.5 hours a day?

OP said it took 45 mins for the journey with no traffic and also that the school was 18 miles away.

It shouldn't take 45 min to travel a distance of 18 miles one way unless the roads are absolutely dreadful?

Bit confused now.