To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

@everythingthelighttouches But surely that was stepchild’s mums decision… that she could afford to spend DPs maintenance on school fees whilst funding stepchild’s daily living expenses (which is what maintenance is for). We cannot afford to continue paying the ‘maintenance’ (half school fees), plus stepchild’s daily living expenses, travel money etc.

On the stress vulnerability model, it is more likely that DSS will have MH issues due to the stress of the daily commute, the stress of the family’s daily life and the stress involved with getting up so early, every day, for school.

Added to that, there will also be the pressure that private schools put on pupils to perform well academically, which will translate to hours of homework, and constant revision for the frequent tests that are done to ensure that the children are reaching their full potential.

That 45 minute journey, combined with the early start, will mean that DSS may well end up going to bed later or not being able to complete homework on time.

Although other children manage so perhaps he will too.

All this to say that if DSS is going to have MH issues, it won’t necessarily be from moving schools!

It's ridiculous to put yourselves under the financial strain of continuing with school fees, not to mention the impact on the family of the daily school run and weekends spent ferrying the child for 'what ifs'.
Realistically as he moves into his teens he will find it difficult to maintain his friend group because they will be meeting up of an evening during the week and he won't be able to do that, gradual distancing will naturally occur. children usually socialise with kids from their immediate area, he just won't get the same invites when they know he can't come during the week.
The strain it would put on your relationship too is a gamble. It would ultimately be more damaging to him in the long run if that strain caused your relationship to break down and he had to go through another family breakdown.

@everythingthelighttouches

Please see OP’s post above ^^

Birth mother wasn’t paying all his living expenses, clothes, etc. As you can see for yourself, DP and @Morriet also paid for these things, whenever birth mother asked, as well as taking DSS on holidays, giving pocket money, etc.

OP, truly sorry that you've been subjected to the utter nonsense and bashing on your thread.
I don't know why people cant press the "read all", to see ALL your updates. The mind boggles! But then.... They've not actually read your post properly anyways to reply with the stupidity and accusations that have been done.
You love your Dss like he's your own... That is VERY CLEAR!
You do need to talk with your Dh... To put it simply,
you as a family of FOUR:-
1..will not be able to live like this long term and keep your heads above water financially.
2..be able to be the type of parents you want to be due to the stress and upset it's causing you both
3..provide the stable home setting for BOTH children
4..your relationship will fall apart
5..it'll affect you ALL mentally in different ways, but it could have lasting implications.

What you are suggesting make 100%sense for the whole family. You are now a family of 4 under the one roof. Initially the arrangement was when it wasn't that way.

Your Dh needs to see the reality of what is. Either way, the Dss, could very possibly not be in private education if all this comes to a head... because he'll be with his father in a single parent family.. Who without you, couldn't be IN the private education anyways due to affordability PLUS as you said... You'll be in receipt of maintenance from Dh.

You make sense. Your Dh needs to grow a backbone. Your family of 4 could have a very blessed life without this shit show. Your Dss WILL make friends. Of course he will. Putting a home in financial ruin could be put on his shoulders as blame by his Dd AND the loss of his relationship down the line... Which will NOT be fair on the child.
Dh needs to be the parent and make parental decisions. In the short term it won't be nice, but it'll be great very quickly.
I wish you luck OP.

If the biological mother still has parental responsibility then she needs to be consulted and gets to have an input into a school move. If she doesn’t agree then you need to go to mediation and after that through the legal system.

DH will need to consult with his ex regarding a school move if she still has any parental responsibility, if she disagrees then it goes to mediation and then through the courts, so what OP wants may not matter. It will depend what is in the best interests of the child

Contact the school ask about scholarships at the school, worth a try.

@Morriet

yes she made the choice originally but then you say
”It was stepchild’s mum who decided to use his entire maintenance payment to fund private education, which DP never expressed any interest in”

It just doesn’t sound like he put up much of a fight?
If he had told the school he was not on board, they probably wouldn’t have admitted your dsc in the first place.

That would have saved a lot of heartache all around surely??
I think he does bear some responsibility for this actually.

he is certainly making the choice now.

If she doesn’t agree then she will have to pay for it and transport him. Court can’t make you pay private fees you can’t afford, just because the other parent wants it that way.

@CynicalOne
now you’re nitpicking.

see the OP’s post here.

The mother was paying day to day living expenses and half fees.

OP’s DP is having to do the same and can’t afford it.

Have to say OP, the mother doesn’t sound like someone on a low income to me? Maybe low income but asset-rich??

No. No, I really wasn’t.

I was being factual!

Something that has been in short supply on this thread.

And I feel it’s important for people to know the truth and not just say that oh DP and OP didn’t pay for anything else, because that’s not true!

What a difficult situation. Obviously something catastrophic has happened with his mum if she cannot look after him any more. Do speak to the school as depending on ethos some can be very helpful to keep current pupils and may reduce his fees substantially on compassionate/financial hardship grounds.

@CynicalOne

the fact that OP’s DP has been paying for holidays, trips etc. has only just been mentioned by OP after 40 pages!!!

There was literally no reference to this before!

@everythingthelighttouches

And that means what? That we should just ignore it? Dismiss it?

It doesn’t really matter when she disclosed it, she did disclose it.

No, it means I was referring to all the OP’s previous posts. The very extensive early posts where there was a lot of question and response about who was paying the daily living costs.

I didn’t see the very latest one.

I don’t like being accused of not being factual when the OP keeps drip feeding new information

I didn’t mean to imply that you aren’t factual and I did in fact go and find the post solely to show you it, because you were saying that the birth mother had paid everything except for half the school fees that DP paid.

@CynicalOne

What?! I’ve gone through several degrees across the U.K., worked in education and helped neices and nephews with their student finance 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ ergo I know a lot about it.

The above links give the fine details regarding finance… and why I don’t think the OP, her DP or indeed anyone needs to be being looney over the university years.

@Morriet it’s a shame you didn’t mention sooner that you have been paying for school trips, clothes, extras, been very generous with money when stepchild came to stay on the weekends and holidays, have taken stepchild on holidays and days out

If you are now scrimping and saving for the extra travel costs, aren’t these all things that could potentially be sacrificed first, before pulling him out of school?

It’s a perfectly valid choice to decide not to sacrifice these things bu the way but it is a choice, is it not?

Yes but I was only saying that because that is what the OP said all the way through the thread.

and thank you for showing me the list because I’d missed it and I think it really makes a difference

Op, apologies if this had already been raised, but could you send dss to the nearest private school? One which maybe he can get a bus to and from. I know this will still cost money but it would reduce the driving stress and costs.

Of course we would pay for extras for stepchild and take them on holidays, days out etc. I thought that would be a given.

I’ve always treated my stepchild as my own.

@Morriet But then isn’t that money to play with now?

How much longer to go on the mar leave pay ? I assume this is much reduced from your salary?

I know what you mean, OP didn’t put everything out there and has been a little piecemeal.

Of course, if there was a way that things could be sacrificed, then leaving DSS in school is better for him. But it seems like the holidays, pocket money, day trips etc., will all have to be sacrificed as OP has said they only have pennies left.

More worrisome is the effect that all this commuting, not only during the week but also at the weekend, is having on DP. It doesn’t sound like the home is very calming and I think that is potentially more detrimental than moving schools. And my DC had private educations so I know the value of education.

It’s a difficult situation all round.