To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Ahem. My exDH was ordered to pay school fees and maintenance three years ago.

18 miles one way from where I live, half an hour tops even with bad traffic. 18 miles the other way....at least an hour on a good day.

Depends where you are and where you are going.

I bet the kid has a 50% bursary and you're actually paying the full fees.

I'd contact the school to check.

If he's not moving school could you rent your home out for four years and rent another closer to the private school?

This would cut down fuel expenses immediately if you can wfh.

I personally would move schools asap. It's a lot of upheaval for everyone.

I'm deeply suspicous too.
I'd ask to see an invoice. You need clarity on this.

It’s three hours minimum in the car per day if he’s doing the school run. 45 minutes one way with no traffic, if there is traffic or issues it can be much longer. Four lots of 45 mins.

We cannot move home. We’re struggling as it is with the mortgage increases and general cost of living.

Not really, it's quite straightforward.

DH paid ex maintenance, which ex put towards school fees. If DH now stops paying, school fees won't be paid.

Ex is on a low income, therefore wouldn't be made to pay any child support. If this happened, DH couldn't afford to send DSS to private school. Yet another reason to change schools!

@Morriet there are a few options here:

1. Check with school re: bursaries for fees and/or travel
2. Check that ex definitely wouldn't have to pay anything in child support (seems strange)
3. Check entitlements to child benefit and any other benefits
4. Check how much notice to remove DSS from school
5. Talk calmly to DH about costs of keeping DSS in school, not just fees, but travel expenses, time for school run, etc. Don't approach this from a "we can't afford to send DC to private school" as that's not DSS or ex's problem. Approach from 21 hours per week in travel time, plus cost of fuel, plus extra curricula activities as DSS moves through school, plus costs involved with DSS living full-time with you. It all adds up!

I don't think it is confusing, because OP has clearly explained that the school wasn't their choice.

This is my understanding.

OP's husband had to pay £XX in maintenance (let's pretend it's £2k).

ExW / Mum of kids - chose to spend that £2k maintenance on private school. That's fine, she can spend it on whatever she likes.

But what's crucial here is that Husband and ExW did NOT decide together to send child to this private school separately from maintenance, that's just what she decided was the best use of the maintenance she received as resident parent.

Something has now happened that means the child no longer lives with mum, but instead live with dad and OP.

Technically what should happen is that her husband should stop paying maintenance and instead ExW should pay him.

However, if he stops paying maintenance then ExW can't afford school fees and child gets pulled from school. ExW apparently on low income so minimal maintenance anyway, but even if she did pay it, that would mean school fees couldn't be paid and child would be removed from school.

So ExH is still paying his maintenance (which ExW is choosing to spend on school fees), and he's not receiving anything.

ExW decided to use her maintenance for private school (as is her choice), but now OP and her husband are on the hook for that choice, despite the school being a minimum 45min journey each way. They're also paying all upkeep with no maintenance to help, and the astronomical cost of transport.

So if one was to be purely logical, mum chose (independently) to spend her maintenance on school fees because that's what she wanted to do with the money. Likewise OP and Husband should be able to decide what they do with their maintenance from ExW and with their extra funds now they're no longer obliged to pay maintenance because they now carry the resident parent costs.

But of course it's tricky, because no one wants to pull a Y9 age child from their school and it seems mean.

However, it seems OPs family cannot afford school fees financially, it's not pragmatic given the distance, and it's taking a psychological toll on the whole family.

It's a shitter basically. But the maintenance point is correct and relevant, because this is not a commitment that mum and dad signed up to together. It's something that mum decided to do with her maintenance money.

So the morality is different too. If the husband had agreed to all this and now wanted to backtrack that would be one thing. But he's had it foisted upon him.

If a female resident parent posted saying that her ex husband was insisting that all maintenance go towards an expensive private school she didn't choose, and she was struggling to make ends meet as a result, people would be queuing round the block saying that that's not what maintenance is for, and she must pick the school that works for her family, and ex's expensive tastes are neither here nor there unless they're prepared to foot the whole bill.

Certainly no one would countenance a resident parent mother being told to send their child to a school 90mins away by train because that's what NRP chose for convenience. And that because of that they'd get no maintenance and would have to pay half school fees and all travel costs.

Something must have gone seriously wrong at home for this child to be no longer able to live with their mother and instead have to go and live so far away from school. If the move to live with Dad was seen as necessary despite the distance from school then this kid has clearly gone through something very upsetting. Your situation does sound unsustainable though. How does your DH manage the school run and his job? It’s a real shame you can’t move closer to the school. Could you rent out your home and rent there just until the child finishes school?

and what does the child say about a potential school move?

Wtf is it with "Why cant you move?"!!

Yes uproot an entire family, spend thousands, to live in a different area to facilitate an arrangement that is untenable! Whats unreasonable about that? FFS.....

Calm down. Babies don’t care where they live.

The answer seems like it really depends on how DSC is doing and how DSC feels about potentially switching schools.

Given the circumstances you’ve described (moving out of mother’s house and never going back), I can imagine that switching schools could be an absolute disaster for DSC. It could be highly damaging to his relationships with his father and you, his friendships, his future with school/university/etc. If that’s the case, the sacrifice in time and money would be significant but well worth paying. And maybe moving house - albeit to somewhere smaller and less nice that you can more easily afford - would make sense for the convenience even though you say it’s impossible.

But maybe a switch in school would not be so awful. It’s just hard to say based on what we know.

I assume you’ve ruled out the possibility of a carpool for part of the way?

Im presuming this is a court ordered maintenance, so he cannot just stop paying this maintenance anyway. As circumstances have changed, he'd have to apply to the Court to vary it. That in itself could be a big fight.

What a mess. The arrangement you have is totally unsustainable in money, time, physically and psychologically.

Id refuse to do all the extra travel and when it all falls on him, it might force the issue.

How does he maintain such a well paid job having these travel times cutting into his day, every day ?

Just let the school know you are too low income to afford the fees? Maybe you can get a discount? That's too bad things are so tight for you. Can you try to get a better paying job so you can support your family?

It's not sustainable, especiallyif fees go up next year, as is likely. I can totally believe the travel time - it's 30 minutes to the next town here if no traffic, but I would always expect an hour or so in rush hour.

I would be looking at a move at the end of year 8 as a compromise- gives you time to give notice to school. Also some schools have year 9 entry, so it's not an unusual time to change.

If it's a good comprehensive locally, that's the best option. Is there any other local private school to you that would be feasible? I'm not saying you should choose it, but you need to have considered all the options when you talk about it with your DH.

Also, I might feed him nothing but beans on toast for a week to make the point about ni spare cash...

It seems the extra cost is stepchild’s SC living costs. ie the extra expense of SC living with you OP and her father.
As this cost has originally been her mothers expense up to age 13/14 then I don’t see why her father can’t pay now. You said OP he paid money towards the school fees only before. So the financial switch for a few years seems fare.
Plus SC is part of the family and therefore part of your and DPs responsibility. Why is this an issue. I know it’s an extra cost but he had a child when you got together.

The driving to school is all done by SC father and he seems ok with that, so again I don’t see the issue. It’s no different from someone commuting to work or working long hours.

SC friends living 45 miles away is a pane so maybe if SC wants to see them they take public transport to them or the friends visit SC at home.

A switch in schools seems like a horrible thing to do to someone of their age, a really horrible thing!

You mentioned the travelling is having negative consequences including for your own dear child. Your own dear child is a baby and is not being left alone whilst her father does the school run, you are there. You do realise OP there are two dear children in the family.

I wonder, maybe, it’s actually just about the money and you’re not happy that your child won’t also be going to private school as you did say it isn’t fair.

You’re a family of four, not three.

Errmmmm. The step mum with a young baby has to go out and find a better job to try and keep her step child in private school which she didn’t get any say in. What about the actual parents go out and get better jobs if they are so adamant they want to keep their child in a school they can’t afford?

The maintanance doesn't even cover the full school fees, doubtful ops dh would ever have been made to pay school fees on top of maintanance. It doesn't sound like he has the money

I'd take him out of the school , it doesn't sound like your dh can afford it. Madness that his mum put him in in the first place unless he's getting a bursty you don't know about

As an aside OP.
Some private schools will accept fees paid later.
You don’t necessarily have to pay it all each year.
You did, however, say it was the maintenance and travel that was the issue so maybe that’s irrelevant anyway. Just a thought.

I don’t know if it’s the case here but a friends dh, when they divorced, part of the financial settlement was to pay half the school fees.
Plus maintenance.

I really wouldn't want to move DSC school when they have had so many changes in their life already. Is the issue the cost (approach school for bursary maybe). Or time (car share/school bus-even part way/flexi board only if child likes the idea).

I’d hate to move my child out of their school at your stepchild’s age.
Thats a really vulnerable age, they will struggle to fit in and could affect exams and whole future.
Changing schools, particularly the very different dynamics of the type of school aswell, could be very damaging and I’m guessing that boat has sailed for it to not be.

If I was in this situation and a child of mine needed to attend a particular school I would move nearer to it.
Lots of people do, that’s why house prices are more expensive near good schools. It just what you do for your kids. I’d find somewhere that’s a good location near to a potential school for your baby too.

Situations change, we all have to adapt.

You are a family

I think it's a reasonable question if the father has chosen to live a good distance from his child, leaving the vast majority of raising them to their mother until now. Also taking into account what this child has been through already and the likehihood that they may want to return to a shared arrangement, or at least see more of their mother, over the next few years.

No-one's insisting they move but it's one option that could be weighed up against the others.

@CiaranotCiaran it’s an 8 mile journey from where I live to my old secondary school. It can easily take 45 minutes at school run times. It takes 20 minutes outside of these times but if I want it to actually take 20 minutes at drop off I’d have to leave by 7.15.

When I was supply teaching one school I worked at was 18 miles away - the journey took an hour on a good day.

Just had a quick look at other towns 18 miles away from me now (as I’ve since moved). If I set off now (3am so zero traffic) it will take me 35 minutes min to get to any of them. In school traffic some of them will take an hour to get to. 45 minutes each way to me sounds like they are making good time on that journey.

I’m not teaching now but it wasn’t unusual for kids to move schools due to house moves etc. The ones I can think of settled in fine. One in particular had moved from a private school in Australia to a good N. Yorks comprehensive in the October of year 11. She made plenty of friends, and did well in her GCSEs (The school put in extra support to help). This is an extreme move and obviously not recommended, but it didn’t ruin her life and having seen lots of kids make similar moves (and often from other countries and from private to state school!) there does seem to be a lot of hand wringing on this thread, and catastrophising.

One option that has not been mentioned is whether the school offers boarding - possibly weekly boarding. It would solve some the travel problems and yes, it would cost more but, with the expense of daily travel and reduction in food costs etc it might be worth doing the sums.