To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Who will she be near when she moves? Seems a bit out there to up and move 200 miles away from family. Normally it’s grandparents moving nearer to grandchildren, not away.

You aren’t wrong to feel how you feel but you must accept and respect her decision and wish her well. She has her life to lead and you have to make more friends and your own life.

I’m not surprised you’re upset if it’s come out of the blue. There must be much nearer coast. Is there a specific reason why she wants o move to this particular area?

YANBU. I know exactly what you mean, all my family live far away too as they moved away and whilst my DC do love seeing them, it’s just not the same relationship as if they lived close by and could see them all the time. I also really miss my family and although I know they can live their life how and where they want, and am happy that they are happy, I wish that being close to us would make them happy if you see what I mean.

It’s different if you already live far away or if you, yourself, had moved a long distance from your home area. But this must be upsetting.

My mum moved 600 miles away some years ago and I am still sad about it for all the reasons you describe and also very worried for the future as she's not any nearer anyone else and I'm worried it could be really tricky when she's less fit and well than she is now. It's too far to even go for the weekend let alone pop round for an evening, so I have no idea how I would go about helping her downsize if needed or sort out many of the other things that might be hard as she gets older. While also juggling children and work. But she is an adult and entitled to make her own decision even if I find it hard to understand.

I think you are right to let her know that you are upset. Partly of course to let her know that she will be missed. But also to make the point to her that the relationship WILL change.

So many times in these situations you hear about people lamenting the fact that their children don’t put in the effort to come and see them. Whereas the reality is that with young children you are not going to be making a 400 mile round trip every fortnight to see her. It is much better to express your regret now and set expectations that visits (due to her choices) will now be much more infrequent.

I can see it must be upsetting. How old is your mum and what else does she have going on in her life? Is she retired? Does she have a partner? I have had a couple of friends who have moved to be close to their daughters, and helped with childcare, and then the daughters and their families have planned to move again without considering their mums who moved to be close enough to help them out. So in a way it’s good that your mum isn’t depending on you for her reason for being.

I completely see why you’d miss her, but I think you need to see it from her point of view. If you or DH got the job of your dreams 200 miles away, would you give it up to stay living near her? Or would you expect her to understand that you were doing what was best for your family? She’s doing what she thinks is best for her. Perhaps it’s an area she’s always loved, or she can get a lot of house for her money, or she just wants to be near the sea. Either way, you’ll just have to stay in touch via face time and visits, the way you’d expect to stay in touch if the roles were reversed.

Your mum has her reasons, has she told you what they are, apart from moving to the coast? Must be more than that surely?

I think maybe you overreacted and put your mum on the defensive. If she wants to move away that's her perogative and really your initial reaction (though valid) should have been more understanding and encouraging.

Your mother does not exist simply as an extention to you and your family.

You are completely entitled to be upset and you will all miss her very much.
But she is entitled to do what she believes to best for herself in her life.
You are an adult. You are a parent. Your kids will grow up and probably move away to pursue their adult lives. Are you going to guilt trip them too?

We do not own our relatives. We support them in their life choices and love and RESPECT them.

You have made it clear to her how you feel ... now support and encourage her.... she hopefully will follow through with her plans.. but if you want the relationship to recover and continue, you need to give your ideas a shake.

Of course you’re sad, but she does have the right to make the best decisions for HER with whatever time she has left.

I could be in this boat soon myself. I’ve done everything I possibly could to enable my kids to be successful adults, and I want to have 10 or 15 years of my life to do what I want. And that might mean spending large swathes of time not being close to them.

I understand feeling upset but YABU.

If she can’t move when her child is an adult, when can she?

This is her chance to live her life
and do what she wants.

Just think about the amazing holidays your LOs will have at the coast every year 😃

When I was five or so, my grandparents moved 200 odd miles away to the countryside. Me and my sibling used to go and stay there in the holidays, and absolutely loved that. Maybe your mum would like to have them stay with her when they’re a little older?

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine,

Why isn't it fine though?

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare,

Strange that the childcare is mentioned first.

I agree with this post, good for your mum for doing what presumably will make her happy.

My family live far away from me and yes it’s hard not to see them regularly but when we do see them, usually us visiting them, we spend proper quality time together doing stuff we wouldn’t do if they lived locally. My kids love going to stay there and having days on end with them. The relationship will change but it might be a blessing you don’t expect.

You’ve told her how you feel, now support her and work out how it can be beneficial for you and your family.

YABU your mum is entitled to live her life, it’s doesn’t mean she loves you any less. It sounds like a big move, not something to be taken lightly, mum must have her reasons. I can understand why you are upset, that’s natural,but try to be happy for her. It’s not Australia

Your mother does not exist simply as an extention to you and your family.

I can understand why you're upset OP, but your mum has her own life too. If my kids moved to the other side of the world I'd be devastated, but you know what? I wouldn't let them know, I'd pretend to be excited for them and talk about how much fun it will be visiting them. Because I love them and want what's best for them.

It's only 200 miles your mum is moving. I think you are overreacting in shock.

I think your reaction is extreme.

For what it's worth both sets of my grandparents lived miles and miles away and I was very close to them. Used to stay with them for a week in the school holidays. Highlight of my year.

YANBU to be sad that you'll no longer be able to see your mum regularly and v.v.

You would be unreasonable to carry on about it, though, so hopefully you're not doing that.

The reality of moving away from family later in life is pretty grim, she’ll regret it as soon as her health declines. She’s making a mistake in your eyes but all you can do is let her make it, you absolutely don’t need to be happy about it or happy for her.

Yeah I get you OP. YANBU to tell her how you’re feeling, if you’re normally close it seems strange that she’s taken this so badly - I suspect she’s feeling quite guilty and so is going to be sensitive about it. Assuming that what you said is along the lines of “I understand and support that you want to move, but I’m feeling sad because I’ll miss seeing you as regularly” and not “I don’t understand how you could do this to us, I’m devastated I’ll miss you so much and our relationship will never be the same again” then I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

I hope she understands what she's doing. I used to live by the coast. All coastal towns are a long way away from anything. I worked on the district and we saw hundreds of very isolated elderly people with no friends or family because they thought it would be great to move to the coast. It generally isn't.

It is understandable that you feel sad. Might she consider somewhere closer ? 200 miles is a long way ! Where is she going in terms of type of area ? Moving to the coast is v trendy at the moment, but I live in a rural coastal area and healthcare is a nightmare, I think people are bonkers to retire here . It can seem like a lovely lifestyle when you have only been on holiday to a place , but it can be very lonely and bleak in long, wet Winters. For people who may need to stop driving as they get older it can be particularly hard living rurally.
In your place I would feel very hurt that she didn’t want to be closer to you all. All the Grandparents I know are moving to be nearer their children.
I expect your Mum is thinking “now or never” and there is some truth in that, but depending on her age now, in ten or fifteen years time she might need a bit of support and you won’t be able to pop in and out.
My friend’s parents moved to live five minutes walk from her instead of 200 miles, and it made a huge difference to the quality of life for all of them as they got older.

You have to respect your mum's decision and be happy that she is getting to do something that she clearly wants to do.

If she's looking forward to it, why would you put a downer on it for her? It's only 200 miles, not the moon. Start planning train trips with your dd. Look at the journey and how you will get there. Make it into an exciting adventure for your dd. Think of all the bucket & spading your dd will get to do. The seaside holidays while little and the chance to learn surfing or sailing when older. It's a fantastic opportunity. 😊

No your not. You've just told her you'll miss her.