To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

I can vouch fir this. I used to live in London and Bristol- close to family. Now up near Scotland on the coast, due to being with my partner. Can't leave as he has young kids and is v settled here. My soical and financial life have suffered immeasurably and I am v depressed.
I don't drive either, so completely isolated.
I hope OP's mum has transport and can make friends in her new coastal town/village

It’s where the sea is.

If all you’ve said about her move is how upset you are about it, then yes, YABU. Very unreasonable in fact.

It’s fine to feel upset that you won’t have her in your life as much, and fine to tell her you’re going to miss her. But with someone you love you should also be looking at things from their perspective and share their dreams for themselves.

Unless you’ve failed to mention that your mum frequently makes foolish decisions she quickly regrets, your first reaction should have been to share her excitement and hope about a new chapter in her life and find out what she’s looking forward to with it. Moving to the place you used to holiday as a child sounds like a long held desire for a more carefree life centered around taking care of herself and maybe incorporating some things she has always loved but not been able to experience much into her day-to-day life. To finally, after years of putting others first, start to do things that she has always wanted to. Maybe, as many others have said, you should start to talk to her about what she’s hoping her life will be like when she moves rather than focusing on what she will no longer be providing for you.

It is hard to make that break from being the child where your mum is a someone you take from on your terms and expect to be focused around your happiness (even if you are grateful and respectful and give back too) to really seeing them as autonomous women with dreams of their own that don’t really include you as a central player. It can be a bit of a shock if you haven’t ever wondered what your mum really wants out the rest of her life and if she’s really happy with her life so far. But it will be fine. You won’t have as close a relationship but it will always be special. Try and be happy for her that she has an opportunity to finally do something she wants for herself.

Of course I want her to be happy, and as I've said in follow up posts we don't actually need her to do childcare, she offered and it has saved us money so we're very grateful, but we can afford to put her in nursery. It's the relationship, and seeing her often that we value.

No other family nearby, I have siblings who are all 50+ miles away from us, DH is an only child.

I know you're right that DD won't know now, but DD does look forward to seeing her so much so she will miss her. I just feel sad that their relationship won't be as strong as she gets older because Mum will live so far away, it'll take us over 4 hours one way to get to where she wants to move to.

She can always move back.
how would you feel if your sadness made her give up on her dream?
Definitely good for her to check up the facilities in the town though, clubs for retired people etc.

I understand why op is upset and hope that her DM reconsiders as it can be so isolating moving away from family. I hope there is a happy ending. All the best.

I moved at the same sort of age, 160 miles from my daughter and granddaughters, to be closer to my son who had never had any childcare support (had a 4 yr old then). I just felt it was his turn to get some support. I really miss my daughter and granddaughters, but wanted to help Ben, and I have. For your mum, moving to somewhere new, away from family, she may well find it very difficult. I get help & support when minor DIY is needed, or need help with hospital appointments etc. As you age there are increasing medical appointments that you cannot always easily access. At the moment I'm fine, but in years to come I'll need more help. Has your mum talked to her friends, or are they all wrapped up in the glee of being near the sea? Big red flags here.

For what it's worth, I think your mum is being ruled by nostalgia rather than a clear head. It doesn't seem to be a well thought out move. God knows what you can or should do about it though. Nothing, I guess, but she'll probably regret it once the novelty has worn off and she's been through a couple of wet coastal winters.

My children adored my mother even though we lived in a different country. They can still be close - it's different to being round the corner, but it can still be good.

I completely understand that and feel for you as it's a new situation (i.e. it hasn't always been that way, which would somehow make it easier). We can only see my own mum a few times a year due to logistics: she very gratefully but firmly declined an invitation to live with us, and has a very happy life. We all love our time together, and there have been no family feuds for over a decade :o)))

Perhaps it won't work but she feels she would rather try than not.

I love the sea - in any weather - and am starting to want a move myself after reading this thread!

If I were your friend, I’d be concerned that five years from now you’d be up and down the motorway like a blue-arsed fly dealing with a frail mother whilst your partner tried to hold the fort at home, sorting out the kids on his own. Don’t ever fall into that trap, OP. It will harm your own health and your relationship

I agree with this. My dad decided to move away at a similar age despite not knowing anyone in the area either. I actually begged him not to go as he also had health issues and I was worried he'd be isolated and frail but he wouldnt listen. Of course I wanted him to be happy but inevitably as I guessed, a couple of years later he ended up needing care and I was simply too far away to practically help so we hired carers for him. It was sad because he implied I should help him more but how the heck could I being so far away, with three children of my own to look after and a full time job? End of the day, it was his choice and there are consequences to that- you cant have it both ways sadly.

She's selfish and foolish.

It would be my dream also but I fear not realistic.

Obviously . But what is it about the sea which makes people want to live near it ? Genuinely find this baffling , it’s not like we are taking about the Mediterranean, most of the sea around the U.K. is cold and grey ( or worse brown) and pretty bleak .

I am glad I wasn't the only one who thought it odd that the first and lengthier mention was childcare, but yet when it came to the explanation it isn't 'just' because of it. Especially after OP mentioning they 'rely' on her for childcare, but yet can make alternative arrangements now?

Makes me wonder if she is sick of being relied on when she shouldn't and wants to live in peace on her own terms.

coming up to 70 isn’t really very old, and she sounds like she’s fulfilling a dream.

If you had your heart set on something that meant you had to move away, would you want her to be excited for you, or spend all her time crying how much she’s going to miss you?

It will be a big change for you both, and I’m sorry it is hard for you, but we all have just one life, and need to accept each others choices.

(I do agree with lots of posters who think she may not have thought it through, but that’s all part of the journey, and wasn’t what you asked)

We only get one life. If this is something she feels she wants to do she should go for it.

I do too, and totally get why anyone would want to live by the coast - some very beautiful scenery!

Personally I don't find it one bit odd, as it has the practical implications. Of course it's something you'd consider.

Read the OP. That will tell you all you need to know about the level of reliance the OP has on her mum.

Anyway if she was fed up, she has a mouth on her and could use her words.

Perhaps she doesn't want to be cared for by her daughter? Maybe she thinks now, whilst she's still reasonably fit within reason is the time to go, and that she can outsource caring responsibilities if and when the time comes, because she doesn't want her daughter - who will be very busy with her own two children, to have to feel forced to look after her.

I'm not that far off your mum's age, OP. Love my kids very very much, but my world no longer revolves around them and I wouldn't ever want theirs to revolve around me. Perhaps your mum wants to be alone for a while, to heal from her abusive marriage, to write a book, to walk alone in the wind and sun and truly reclaim herself after losing it to a marriage and children. And doesn't want to impose on her daughter again after feeling guilty for needing to be cared for whilst she was ill.

Lots of posters are talking as if the OP's mum doesn't know her own mind and hasn't considered any of the logistics.

As someone who lives abroad in a desirable place for Brits, I can verify that many people do exactly this, seduced by dreams of a kind of life that doesn't actually exist here. The vast majority head back to the UK within five years, their tails between their legs, when it turns out reality is nothing like they imagined.

Personally I don't find it one bit odd, as it has the practical implications. Of course it's something you'd consider

It doesn't have implications though if Op is giving up work soon.

I really feel for you. It will change things but if you have room in your house for guests, I am sure she'll come to visit you regularly. I would guess that this might be something she has been dreaming about for a long time - living by the coast - and she realises that she needs to crack on if it's going to happen while she still has the energy and health to do it.