To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

I’m moving to the sw coast as soon as I can, realistically I’m looking summer 2025, family have moved to SE coast and are loving it.

If it’s a mistake I’ll move back 🤷🏻‍♀️

And that’s the thing isn’t it. The onus is on the OP to start planning trips to see her mum with a 2 year old and new baby in tow. Sounds like an absolute pain in the arse.

Yes it’s her mum’s decision, but it’s going to have a huge impact on the OP whenever her mum wants her to go and visit

Kind of depends- I mean Brighton and Bournemouth are both coastal towns and it’s not like they’re tiny hamlets with nothing going on.

Also depends on how old the DM is- she might only be in her early 40’s so silly to put her life on hold on the off chance she needs help from her kids in 30-40 years time

Why does she want to move? Just for the coast seems odd. I would be devastated too OP if my mum did this. I would feel totally abandoned. How can she choose the seaside over her daughter and granddaughters, nothing is more important than family.

Maybe for her it is a lifelong dream to live by the sea and as we get older we are more conscious of time running out.

I do wonder if she has thought it through as unless she has support in her new home area she may regret it as she gets older. That is on her though.

Ultimately we only get one life but personally I would choose my grandchildren and daughter over moving to a new area. Has this come out of the blue?

YANBU to be sad and I don't see why you shouldn't tell her. You can't stop her but you have a right to tell her you aren't happy about it. She has to live with that. We moved 250 miles away from family 30+ years ago when our children were small. Our families weren't happy and my MIL followed us down after a few years. My mum visits lots and I visit her. We hated living in London so never regretted moving away.

I think your emotions are understandable. And I live 200 miles from family which was a decision I made when in my twenties and I really didn't realise the implications. It's a long way and it's not always possible once ill health and other commitments intervene.

But I think you can express some reservations but then you are going to have to let her go with your blessing and just make the most of it. Better to have a long distance relationship with family than fall out.

I'd be on the 'mum side' of this situation, although DH and I aren't planning on moving.

Do you know what's prompting this move? Perhaps your mum's lifelong dream has been to live near the sea and this is the point at which she can 'live her dream'. You do need to let her go with love and with grace. You've said your piece, now be supportive and happy for her.

Now, the downside, as I speak as a woman in her 60s who has lived through those 'elder years' with my parents and my MiL (FiL died relatively young).

I don't feel I can stress strongly enough the importance of living near(ish) at least one of your children when you get old. Not that we have the right to expect our children to drop everything to care for us full time, but because the day will come when we do need their help in little ways, or if only because it's time for us to leave our home or get help in. It's terribly hard to judge these things from far away, let alone keep an eye on care home personnel or in home carers. I've seen the nightmare that 'long distance caring' can be. When we had to move for DH's career I was so thankful that my parents and MiL chose to relocate near enough to us to enable us get to them swiftly in case of emergency or to help them with day to day needs. Not to mention how easy it made the holidays! Right now we live near both our sons and are fully independent, hopefully we'll remain so for many, many years. But I know that our sons will be there to 'keep an eye' and will be honest enough with us to speak to us frankly if they need to. If they move away, so be it, I'd never stop them. But I'd certainly try to live within no more than an hour from them if possible.

I also think that if we, as the parents, choose to move a great distance away we need to have realistic expectations as to visits by our children. And to be realistic 'long term' about our abilities to visit them. Not only the ability to get to where they live, but also lodging once we get there.

At one point, shortly after Dad died, Mum spoke about moving back to our 'hometown', about 450 miles away. Even on the (US) Interstate it's a 7 hour drive. I sat down with her and we had a good conversation where I told he I completely understood why she wanted to move to a retirement community back 'home', but that I didn't think she was being realistic about what it meant for all of us. In her mind she envisioned us all visiting her practically monthly and I had to point out how unrealistic that was with children still in high school. I also explained that in the case of an emergency it would take me between 5 to 9 hours to get to her (packing and driving or packing, booking flights, getting to the airport, renting a car etc). In the end she decided to stay put and spend that 'moving money' on traveling home more frequently. When she started suffering from dementia I thanked God and all the angel that she lived a 9 minute drive away! And that when she had to go to a care home, that I could drop by every other day to keep an eye on her care.

So @DontGoGran I think that whilst you need to accept that she's moving, there's no harm in gently pointing out the difficulties that may come with her aging and possibly needing help and the realities of the 'practicalities' of visiting back and forth. These may be things she's already thought about or it may be things she needs to understand from your point of view.

U have every right to feel sad and you shouldn't have to lie or cover up your feelings. She has the right to move but has she considered how she will manage long term without a support network

I am on the other side of this. I am mum and grandmother. This year we moved over 1800 miles from our daughter and her family. She called me selfish. I did childcare every morning from 6 until school drop off while the kids were little. They are now 13 and 14 and do not need gramma to get them out to school. We are only 56 years old, but two years ago I nearly died. It was an awful experience and we decided life was too short. We had always planned to retire in the carribean, but found that with our investments and capital we could do it now. We could live a life of luxury here in ten years, or a normal comfortable life NOW. We chose now as tomorrow is not guaranteed. She has settled a little ( I was up in canada last week for 6 days with her) and they are visiting here in January. Try to understand your mothers choice to live her life OP.. I know it is hard, but she has done her graft, and now wants to relax in retirement where she would love to be. Kindly, It is not about you.

I moved 250 miles away 22yrs ago and managed to keep a good relationship with my mum going. Don’t make her feel guilty, you’ll enjoy going to stay and having more time together then

Good for her! She's enjoying her life and doing what will make her happy. An adult doesn't need their parent hanging around , but 200 miles isn't very far anyway.

I disagree that all coastal towns are a long way from anything. I live on the south coast, five miles from a city, with good public transport, several other towns and cities within reasonable driving or train distance, with the coast and countryside on the doorstep.

How old is she? Is she downsizing and wants to release money to have fun? Does she know people there?

Lots of things are more important than family - independence, friends, work, hobbies, travel, a happy retirement, peace and contentment. Not everyone feels the same, and this woman is only going a short distance - she isn't abandoning her family.

Thank you all for the replies.

To update and provide more info, Mum is coming up to 70, and is moving because she 'wants to live near the sea'. She would be marginally closer to my brother, but would still be over 100 miles from him as her nearest relative.

She has activities and hobbies currently and is retired, she's quite active but has already had an operation which has restricted her mobility and I do worry how she'll cope in the future as she becomes more unsteady on her feet.

I am the one who looked after her after major surgery, and none of my other siblings will help with the care and practicalities of aging relatives, so I do worry how she'll cope on her own. (This is evidenced by the amount of work Mum and I put in to looking after Mum's Mum when she was unwell and I was the one who helped whilst my siblings couldn't or didn't want to)

Regards mentioning the childcare 'first', like it's the main issue, I mentioned it because it is, obviously, an issue which will directly affect us as a family unit, but I actually couldn't care less really, it's one day a month.

What I actually care about is the relationship, she comes the night before, we have dinner all together, she puts DD to bed with me and they sing songs and read a book before bed, then she stays the night when she has looked after her and we have a takeaway, watch some telly together etc. it's about her being here, not the childcare, we can afford to send DD to nursery for another day, but Mum offered to look after her and we enjoy having her here with us.

I'm not going on and on about it to her, I think maybe the pregnancy hormones are making it worse, but I did cry when she told me she was putting the house on the market. I haven't asked her not to move, I've put no pressure on her at all, and I've said it's fair enough that she wants to go, but have said that I am sad about it, and her granddaughter will be too.

Just playing Devil's advocate here but is as you don't mention your dad or a DH could it be possible that your DM has realised that there is more to life than looking after everybody else and has now decided that this is her time? Maybe after years of being wife/mother/grandmother, she just wants to be a person in her own right and the only way she feels she can do this is by moving such a distance away.

I had both grandmothers live a distance away after we moved because of my dad's job move. Led to holidays visiting them and in the winter this was a lovely thing.

Hope somehow once your mum moves you can do the same thing and bring something extra to your children's life.

This may be an element of it, yes, I hadn't thought of that. Dad was horrifically abusive towards me and Mum (not so much other siblings), so she is on her own and has been for about 20+ years.

How about putting a positive spin on it? Think of all those trips to the seaside you can have with the children to visit Granny.
Ever since leaving home 35 years ago, I've always lived at least 60 miles away from all of my close relatives and up to 4 hours drive away. My ILs moved from a 1 1/2 hour drive away to a 4+ hour drive away whilst my DC were still small. But, they also moved to the coast and my 'inland' children had many happy summer holidays there.
YANBU to be upset but YABU to resent your DM living her own life.

I’m not surprised you’re upset. It’s seems a strange thing for your Mum to do. I wonder if she’s thought it through. Is she really happy to only see her grandchildren maybe every couple of months, and less once your daughter starts school?

She’s at an age where people would usually be thinking of moving closer to family, not further away. My Mum moved near to me when she was in her 70s, began to have some health problems, and realised that travelling was only going to get harder. She also acknowledged that kids are only kids for a limited time, and if you want a meaningful relationship with your grandchildren you’ve got to put the effort in when they’re young, because once they’re teens they often aren’t interested in their elderly relatives!

Obviously it’s her choice, but I would definitely be asking her to consider what happens if she needs help after another operation for example.

OP I really feel for you. My parents and my DH’s mum were involved in a similar way when my DCs were small. It’s lovely. I get that it’s not about saving on nursery fees. It’s about the whole extended family experience. My mum died 2 years ago and I still have such fond memories of the relationship she had with my 3 children (now aged 22, 19 and 12).

You are not at all unreasonable to be upset and unsettled by this huge change. But there seems little option but to go with it and support your mum as best you can. She can still be an involved granny. Life can throw us some very unwelcome and unexpected curved balls at times. I really wish you well.

A dear friend of mine was desperate to live by the sea, she had grown up there and really missed it. Her daughter made such a song and dance about her mum moving and leaving the Grandchildren that my friend gave up on the idea. Less than a year later her daughter moved to the very village my friend had wanted to move to. My friend never got to live her dream.
Maybe one day OP you will move. It is only 200 miles, you will be fine x x

I sympathise, but I think your mum has reached a point in her life where she wants to do her own thing before she becomes too old to enjoy life.
Having read the thread she has spent her lifetime looking after others, including being with your abusive father (that is very draining, been there and done that myself), and she just wants her own space to get on with life.
Maybe a few years down the road she may have a rethink about this, but for now it's her time.

My parent is a similar age and it’s as if a teenager again, this urgency “I must live my life now, negating to do anything remotely practical” all self indulgence, and resentful of anything else. It’s exhausting.

A idea, if the funds from the sale of the family home allow, might be buying somewhere near the sea but retaining a flat near you that could be an air bnb.

That way she could split her time and it isn’t such a drama if her health falters which is likely at this point.