To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Perhaps you could remind my five PIL and parents all in their eighties , that they shouldn’t need support until their next decade. Plus my stepfather who died after a horrible illness at 84.

To be fair they are actually very independent on a day to day basis but my father has dementia and this is very hard on my mother who at 86 is now responsible for everything . She cannot even go shopping without him because he cannot be left alone, he is also diabetic but she has to manage all of that as well now . 5 years ago they were super independent , driving , socialising , holidaying overseas, visiting children and grandchildren. It’s shocking to realise how quickly this changed. They don’t need a care home or much physical support but they need a lot of emotional support and help with life admin for want of a better phrase .

perhaps head over to the elderly parents board to get a flavour of what people should be planing and preparing for .

While that’s desperately sad for you and your family, and I fully understand how challenging that can be, my point is that’s not the norm. So, one can either live the life you want, and adapt if things don’t work out, or not do anything just in case the worst happens. Having lived with a chronically ill husband who died before he was 50, all I can say is we took the first approach and as a result I have a lifetime of memories. People are free to make their own choices, and pressuring anyone, parent or otherwise, to do differently is unreasonable. All in my opinion and lived experience. Yours may differ, but doesn’t make mine wrong.

@Tryingtokeepgoing my husband also passed away before the age of 50 so I understand where you are coming from.

That said, I think thinking that people only might need help in their 90's is vastly unrealistic. Most people don't go into care homes but they often do need care in their own home, even in relatively small ways (help with shopping, help with gardening). Even my own very fit relatives who lived into their 80s and 90's did need support, and ended up living with family in the end as running a home on your own at that age is very difficult and what the state offers is almost nothing, even if you have a lot of health difficulties. A lot of my friends have also just lost parents by mid-seventies as well, often with a few months of illness prior to that.

I hear what you are saying, you only get one life and to some extent I agree with this, the OP's mum has a dream, to be by the sea and I think now the OP has said her piece (or cried it!) the time is to support that, but I also think it's fine to discuss practicalities about how that would work. I think a balance of hope vs reality is required, even in terminal situations! I also think that older people simply don't think it will happen to them and a lot of very distressing situations occur due to just hoping they won't get old or need support, and that's not actually a strategy at all.

Perhaps a few years by the sea is what the OP's mum wants for now.

@Tryingtokeepgoing
It’s worth remembering that the majority of people do not require significant amounts of support or care in old age, and only a small proportion end up in care homes. It’s only if you hit your ‘90s that the chances start to increase, and for the OPs mother that’s 20 years away. So I say let her enjoy the next 20 years…as that’s in her best interests

Your chart about the number of old people in carehomes is interesting but it isn't the people in care homes that are cared for by their families, it is those who are NOT in care homes.

Exactly! Women are enforcing the patriarchy.
why can’t she do what she wants for god sake. She is not a prisoner.

Your chart about the number of old people in carehomes is interesting but it isn't the people in care homes that are cared for by their families, it is those who are NOT in care homes.

exactly

Of course she can as long but she should make sure she understands the consequences of her decisions otherwise she may become ‘a prisoner’

Why is it 'enforcing the patriarchy'? Most of the time it's the daughters who end up doing the caring for elderly parents.

When I discouraged my mother from moving 500 miles away was I being 'patriarchal'? No. I merely pointed out the practicalities of living close to those who would be the most likely to be able to meet her needs on a day to day basis and who would need to be the one to handle a true emergency. After that, the decision was hers.

I don't know why people think this poor woman needs to be warned of the "consequences" of her decision. I imagine she's had a good hard look at her future and decided that living in a place she doesn't want to live, being useful to her daughter in the expectation of some care when she's older isn't how she wants to spend the rest of her life, much as she undoubtedly loves her daughter and grandchild.

Yes, I thought that was clear enough, and I didn't say that that's where families were supporting the old people. What I said was that the majority of people are perfectly capable of living independently into old age. And by estension, only a tiny number end up in a care home. And that's true.

Sure, more of us will need support than go into care homes, but its still far from a majority. So why shouldn't she do what she wants with the next 10/15/20 years? Avoiding doing something you'd like to do just in case something goes wrong, when the probability is so low, is a miserable way of spending your later years, in my opinion. We are all only on this planet once...enjoy it and do what makes you happy.

In that situation I can't imagine moving away from a small granddaughter and her mother who's expecting her second baby. A very strange and rather cruel decision imo.

It's perfectly possible for the OPs mum to get a cleaner or a gardener if she needs help, and there are lots of voluntary groups and schemes to provide those services for little cost.
In the coastal town near me there's a huge number of active retirees single and married who take part in all kinds of fitness, cultural and social groups. I think she will have a wonderful life and have more day to day support from peers than is being suggested here.
Or she could stay where she is just waiting to die

Infantilising older people is another social bias.

What makes you think she hasn’t considered all her options? And decided on what suits her best. Being supportive and happy for her would be the kindest thing right now.

Exactly.

Why not? The woman is an autonomous being who's already reared her family. She's allowed to have hopes and dreams that don't revolve around baby and toddler childcare. It's not as though they can provide stimulating companionship.

The ire and doom mongering when a mature woman wants to do her own thing rather than dance attendance on children is reprehensible. God forbid we have needs and dreams.

Perhaps OPs mum is well aware of her ageing and wants to get a few years in by the sea before she becomes frail? Have you asked her, OP, whether this is a permanent move or whether she sees herself returning to be closer to you in five, ten years time?

Because I'd hate to think that I would have to stay living somewhere that may not have great memories forever. I know she's suffering from restricted mobility but that could be anything from a hip replacement to mild bunions, and at 70 she still has the ability to recover and gain fitness.

Perhaps she's not looking at this as a 'forever' move, just time to recoup and gather herself before she moves into the next part of her life.

But more importantly is your mum enjoying where she now lives?

@RantyAnty It wasn't the paradise that she thought it would be. But she is stuck there now.

@LaurieStrode @Tryingtokeepgoing t's just so painfully inevitable, though.

The average life expectancy in the UK is 80. Most people slow down in the last 5 or so years.

Yes, a few people will be active and independent until 95. You can't plan on that, though.

There are so many posts on mumsnet with people writing about their parent who is living alone and not really coping, but isn't at crisis point yet. About how the parent is having falls, but isn't willing to admit that the falls are getting worse. About how the parent is isolated because they can't walk to the bus stop, and can't afford a taxi. About how the parent is calling them at all hours because they are worried about something or lonely, but the adult offspring can't do anything about it because they are hundreds of miles away with kids in primary school and no leave left.

No one thinks this will happen to them, until it happens to them.

Moving somewhere coastal / rural / isolated seems like living the dream in your 50s / 60s. Twenty years later and the services you need are miles away / inaccessible/ non-existent and your family is 100s of miles away and not able to support you…cue isolation and health Worries and it’s a perfect storm.

first hand experience of it in my family and how many threads do you read on here where all answers to a problem start with “we live rurally so…”?

@RantyAnty Just to add - there were reasons for my mum's move that aren't relevant to OP. But aside from those reasons, it's just the same stuff in a different location. And she's sacrificed the relationship with her grand kids in order to do it.

@LaurieStrode There's also a huge middle ground between being a domestic slave waiting for death, and moving somewhere so far away. Even a few hours closer would potentially make things much easier.

Actually, if you’re female and have already reached 70 your life expectancy is nearer 88…. I think every 70 + year old I know would take exception your generalisation that they slow down at 75 as well. The casual ageism here is shocking really. And of course posts here are weighted towards those who aren’t coping - those (the majority) that are coping have no need to post.

I despair at the general lack of critical thinking and understanding of probabilities nowadays. The facts show that the majority of people are perfectly capable of living independent lives well into old age, and so it’s entirely reasonable and rationale to live your life and make decisions with that in mind. Of those that do need support, it’s often non medical-needs support; cleaning, gardening, decorating, household maintenance, driving - all of which are easily outsourced.

Of course anyone might need more substantial support in later life, but the chances are low. Relying on frequency of posts on Mumsnet as an indicator of any individual’s need for support in later life is not exactly rational though. Just have a plan B for the unlikely but disruptive possibility that you do need substantial help. But don’t assume the worst and do nothing for the last 20 years of your life, especially just to please someone else!

@Tryingtokeepgoing I'm not saying that slowing down at 75 is inevitable. I am saying that it happens to enough people that sticking your head in the sand and pretending that it definitely won't happen to you is a pretty daft thing to do.

I keep saying that it's not the major help that's the issue - that's easy to fix - it's the minor things that keep adult offspring up at night.

I'm not saying that OP's mum can't live her life. It's just that it's such a huge move with such little apparent benefit, and so damaging to her family relationships.

The question OP asked is "AIBU to be upset?". My answer was, with a mum who made a similar move with far better reasons, "I think you are justified in feeling that way".