To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Is there no compromise possible - 200 miles isn't moving to the nearest cost is it ?

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset, nor do I think she is being unreasonable to move away. However, if she starts complaining that she never sees you that would be unreasonable.

What's her reason for moving there?

I don’t understand why she didn’t mention her plans to you before it was a done deal if you’re so close. Maybe she feels she’s been subsumed into your life and you rely on her too much?

I’m afraid you do sound a bit selfish. Did you say anything positive about her plans? I can understand you feeling it’s a shock but you can be supportive too. “Wow Mum, that’s a surprise but super exciting. Have you started looking at places? Obv we’ll miss you but it’s great you’re doing something for yourself..” that kind of thing.

I'd be sad too, if I lived near my grandchildren I'd never move further away.

This!

This may be really hard to hear OP but moving 200 miles AWAY from her daughter and grandchild just isn't what a besotted mum/gran would do.

She has obviously taken in account how much/little she will see you both when deciding on this move - but she still seems set on moving. Strikes me she's not nearly as 'upset' as you are...

It sounds like she is about to make a huge mistake - but it’s her mistake to make.
moving hundreds of miles away to be alone at the most vulnerable time of her life is not smart. YANBU to tell her you’ll miss her- her reaction to swipe back is probably because deep down she knows this is an unsafe gamble.

She probably wants to move to town she wants to live in too. There's a massive difference in living somewhere like Withernsea to living in Aberaeron.

I can see why you are upset ,however it seems like Mum has made up her mind.On the positive side its a 200 mile trip ,not Australia! Maybe you could spend your hols with her there .Sometimes older people just need a fresh start.If she had a hard time with your dad being abusive ,just wants a new area by the sea which is calming .Either way its her time now and she sounds like she wants it .Be kind to her and respect her wishes .Is the new town cheaper ,will she benefit financially from the move maybe

YANBU to be sad your mum is moving 200 miles away.

As your mum 70, I would have a honest chat regarding your concerns of her age and being so far away from her adult children (100-200 miles). If your mum was younger, it may not be an issue but 70 seems a bit old to consider moving away from your support system.

You only live once. If she has always wanted to live by the sea I assume that over her life she hasn't been able to because of jobs, schooling, finances, commitments etc and she is now able to.

I have a loved one moving to Australia soon, I'll miss them terribly but it's their dream and they will miss their chance if they don't go now. So they know I'll miss them and they'll miss me but I'm nothing but positive as I'm not going to stand in the way of what will make them happy.

No one can predict the future, she may need increasing care in the future and may need to make some future decisions or she may get on just fine. We don't have a crystal ballz

Hmm you do spend a lot of your post dwelling on the childcare aspect. My MiL moved to the coast when FiL died - but it was to move to be closer to her daughter, which makes sense as rightly or wrongly, usually it does fall on daughters to provide support to an elderly parent. The upshot is we hardly see ever see her, but actually she is living her best life as they say, so we are happy for her :)

She's chosen the specific area she's looking at, as it's where she used to holiday as a child, and we occasionally went growing up so it is a nice place to visit, but costly. She likely wouldn't be able to afford a place big enough for us to stay in when we visit her, and school holidays would potentially be prohibitively expensive to go and visit for a long time. But we'll make it work as needs be.

She isn't upset about moving at all, she has said she's been thinking about it for a long while since she retired, and wants to go. I can't say whether she's as besotted with DD as DD is with her, maybe not. I am just assuming because she says that DD is her 'sparkle' when she's having a bad day. I don't know about our relationship, I assumed we were close but maybe I've overestimated our relationship.

I assumed we were close but maybe I've overestimated our relationship.
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If you thought you were close you must be able to see it from her point of view? I assume that she cared for you and your siblings for over and 18 year period, she might have made sacrifices during this time (which is normal and expected). Now she's done a good job in turning you into a functional adult it's her time to be selfish and do what she wants.

I'm sure she's not stupid enough to think you can support with hospital appointments etc and many people can do this without family support.

It'd be worse if in 20 years time on her deathbed she told you that she wanted to move to the coast but didn't as she felt tied to you.

I am pretty much in your mum's shoes (also divorced & single) but am younger by a decade and still working. My plans to move away from where I have been living for the last 20+ years has been put on hold several times over the last 5 years. One of my internal criteria is that I want to move still working so realistically that needs to be in the next couple of years. So I am planning that timeline. My mum who lives about 10 miles away has opposed and criticised my proposed move continuously, my DC now young adults are grumpy about the "family" home being sold. It is very unpleasant to be around that, knowing the hard work I have put into the family and the sacrifices I have already made. My mum can afford help; my DC have been offered the opportunity to come with me if they wish. But it is my life and I am now nearly there to achieving a quite long held dream.

When I read your OP, for some reason I envisaged that you were in your twenties and your mum was about 55 and in peak health. My reaction therefore, was that you were being unreasonable although your sadness was understandable. Then I saw your update and my view changed.

If I were your mum’s friend, I’d counsel her against this move tbh. She’s 70 which isn’t ancient, but she has physical health issues which could turn worse quite quickly. She could end up in a pretty isolated state.

If I were your friend, I’d be concerned that five years from now you’d be up and down the motorway like a blue-arsed fly dealing with a frail mother whilst your partner tried to hold the fort at home, sorting out the kids on his own. Don’t ever fall into that trap, OP. It will harm your own health and your relationship.

It also seems a little curious that she's decided on such a big move just as you're about to give birth to another grandchild.

Again, apologies if this is hard to hear - but I would have a LOT of questions...

MN is such a horrible place. Of course it's ok to be sad that your relationship with your mum will become a Christmas and birthday thing when you're used to seeing her more often and your daughter will no longer have that close granny relationship with her growing up. of course it's fine. Only on here is that called 'selfish'.
You have said it's not about childcare - you're losing having your mum there. Allow yourself to grieve that.

Shes retired.
She wants to move to an area she remembers fondly
She is still active and has lots of interests
Shes maybe ready to run her own life without others to look after as a wife, mother and grandmother.

You have every right to be upset but
This is her time

Your mum probably wants to be around folk closer in age to her,which she will at the coast. If she's active as you say then she'll soon make friends,you should be happy that your mum is making a new start and not sitting around waiting for the grim reaper,good for her.Of course you will miss her but maybe you need to be a bit more emotionally independent.

Why is she moving?
This would deeply upset me too. She must have expected that you’d find this hard? Even if you support her 100%. It’s a little odd that she’s not concerned that she’ll miss you and Dd.

Has it come totally out of the blue? I know you said otherwise re: childcare being the main issue, but that’s what it’s sounding like.

I get it, both my (divorced) parents emigrated to opposite sides of the world the year their first grandchild was born and I was gobsmacked that they’d not considered their children more. But it was their life to live I guess.

Try not to dwell on the negatives, be supportive where you can, and get hunting for childcare now so you’re not reliant on her for it. Then enjoy what time you have of living so close together and plan some lovely trips to look forward to. It will work out.

Good luck to your Mum! She can always move if she finds her new life style doesn"t suit. She is free to enjoy herself and have a fresh start.
I have worked with many women who have adapted their lives to fit around grandchildren. Sadly once the children grow older they have no interest in visiting Granny.
Give her your blessing and look forward to lovely trips to the beach with your little ones.

You’re not BU at all with regards to her moving away and missing her.

However, do you think there might be a reason she’s moving specifically there, as opposed to just selling her house and downsizing locally to you? Could she have met a man online and he lives that way or something more like that?