To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

I can understand why you’re upset, it’s perfectly normal to feel that way but I can also understand why your mum wants to live. I’m in a similar situation, I look after our granddaughter once a week and see her and my Dd most weekends. But I’ve always wanted to go and live by the sea once I’m retired.
We probably won’t as DH feels we’d miss the family, but if I had the chance I would go and live but the sea for a few years.

Has no one on MN ever moved away from their family?

Oh, OP, of course you are upset and sad, for you and your Dc.

Your Mum probably feels guilty that you are upset and has turned to anger.

If she says she has wanted to do it since she retired, I wonder if this is her last ditch attempt to free herself from an abusive marriage and pursue her dreams on her own terms? It takes a long time to get over abuse.

70 is still young at heart. Is there a train service that she could take to visit? You have room for her to stay at your house so hopefully she will visit lots.

Yes, me… but the OP has a good relationship with her Mum and unlike what seems like 99% of MN values her company and support. She is allowed to be sad.

A work colleague did this. She’d always talked about retiring to the coast and fair enough. That’s what she wanted, she upped and moved almost as soon as she retired leaving her children and grandchildren who were all local. I guess the reality wasn’t quite what she expected and it seemed like she was spending much of her life travelling back ‘home’ to visit said grandchildren.
Anyhow. After a couple of years she moved back.

I wouldn’t begrudge your mother her dream. She only has one life after all. But YANBU to be sad about it. My own mother is a good 2 hours away. But my kids have a great relationship with her. They go to stay in the holidays while I work which helps with childcare and helps their relationship equally

I can understand you being upset, but I think YABU, and it sounds like you might have overreacted for her to have said you’re being selfish.

I also think she could be looking to the future (to when you’ve finished maternity leave) and thinking of the prospect of feeling like she has to provide childcare, no matter how infrequent, for two young children.

I live a similar distance from my family but my sister lives close to them and my mum was open about not wanting to look after her dc for even one day a week when she had them; she wanted to be able to go on holiday or days out whenever she wanted without feeling that she was letting my sister down or causing inconvenience.

Maybe she’s always wanted to live by the sea, maybe she’s always dreamed of living in that specific location, you only get one life and I don’t think it’s healthy for it to completely revolve round your children, especially when they’re adults.

I live 100 miles from my parents and with a fair wind, it's 2 hrs door to door. So if I have to go down and back in a day to visit, it's 4 hrs driving. My Mum has been unwell recently - she is 75 - and I've only managed to visit one weekend in three which seems very little.

I work full time and have three kids. And I'm tired. On the weekends I need to cook, clean and rest as well as ferrying them around their activities etc.

I wish more than anything that they were round the corner.

This is good advice.

I do think moving that far away from family at your mother's age is probably not a wise thing to do but maybe she feels like it's her last chance.

My MIL did pretty much the same thing moved 200+ miles nearer to the coast but she went from being 4 hours away from us to approx 25/30 mins away so was moving towards family (all be it she moved 200 miles away from BIL and SIL so perhaps they felt as you do now).

She has settled really well here and has lots of activities and clubs she attends outside of the time she spends with us. But I can understand why you are sad and worried x

Yanbu to be sad; but you should let her go and follow her dreams of living near the sea and be happy for her.

Once your children grow up and are teenagers they May not care much about old grandma and she will regret not following her dreams and may not be able to do it in 10 years time when she is much older

You still can go and see her 3 or 4 times a year and viceversa; catch up on FaceTime and WhatsApp. She is not moving overseas.

Let her follow her dreams and be happy for her and don’t make her feel guilty.

Absolutely this!! Suggest that she tests it out first.

My dad (also in his 70s) recently purchased a little holiday flat by the sea in an area where he used to holiday as a kid, and I’m pretty sure he already regrets it after one week there 😂

Hey - maybe it’s the same seaside location and they’ll find each other and fall in love.

It's her choice and her life. Fair enough you are sad but you must not try and guilt trip her into staying. But you could point out the downsides like it will probably be cold in winter.

My parents did this. I found it really difficult. But it's been such a good move for them. They are absolutely living their best life, and I'm genuinely pleased for them.

But it's hard being out on a limb on your own.

From the sounds of it you have a wonderful mother. She will be there to help after the baby is born she has supported you and helped whenever you needed her. Maybe you made her feel guilty for moving and she thought you would understand instead of crying. I get why you're upset you are close but she wants to live by the coast and that's not a bad move for her. It will be a nice holiday for you.

I know you're emotional because you're pregnant are you normally like this with your mum. If it was me and my daughter did that I would react the same way it does come across you are behaving entitled obviously you are upset she is leaving and not about the other stuff. She may think you are upset about losing a baby sitter I would talk to her. Your mum deserves a life to and you need to let her live it.

I think my mum though that's what would happen with my kids, her grandchildren, she lives in a coastal holiday area. The reality however is that someone has to get them there, so in the absence of my mum driving 200 miles to pick them up, and then 200 miles back to her house, it doesn't happen. I don't mind doing one trip a year, but it's an awful long way for more than that. I prefer to spend holidays in a variety of places, not the one (often cold grey) area my mother lives in, as beautiful as it often is. My DH has another family member who moved similarly far away to a coastal area, and they do complain quite often they don't get as many visitors as they expected, despite living in a beautiful, popular holiday destination. Often what people think will happen when they move to these places, because they'd like it to happen, does not match the reality.

Don't you want your mum to be happy? With less mobility, she won't be doing much childcare anyway.
You're 2-yr old will barely realise anything has happened: she's two years old.
Is there any DH family nearby?
As many PPs have said, bring on summer-by-the-sea trips!

Does she understand that you won't be able to provide any help or care as she gets older?

Perhaps it's that you will be giving up work & not needing her at all for childcare is the reason she thinks that now is the time to go?

What is the place like for hospitals/healthcare?

Maybe looking after her mum has realised that that isn't what she wants for herself?

Depending on what part of the country she needs to visit out of season. Has she, and I mean a few times? Everything gets shut as no tourists all shut including cafes so nothing to do, tourists arrive it’s heaving and can’t do anything due to that. It’s really not as nice as it sounds.

I have family by the coast, different part of the country back home, we can’t visit in season as traffic problems getting there and completely unaffordable. And out of season all the mobile caravan parks shut for five months. So we can only really visit first couple weeks or last couple of weeks of when the caravan sites open and close.

We visited this March for a change, first week they opened as only week of the year we could afford, and we couldn’t get a coffee let alone a hot snack in that town and the next one on, one of my favourite places back home, everything was shut not even a corner shop open so we had to drive inland about ten miles to get some chips for tea. The second place was on my list of where I want to retire as my older relations used to live there in the past but if it’s now at the level there’s not even a shop for 6 months of the year we won’t be retiring there after all.

Of course you'll miss your mother and it's absolutely reasonable to be sad. If she's nearly 70 and not in the best of health, it seems crazy to move 200 miles away from her family, on her own, to an area where she knows no-one. Bluntly, she's too old for a big move and a fresh start, and is likely to have difficulty making friends and managing the adjustment to a completely new life. It sounds like a pipe dream which will end in unhappiness all round. I hope not.

I agree with this. We spent some years abroad, but came back to the UK when we had grandchildren.
I think your mum might spend a few years by the coast but move closer to you later on.
I can see why you are upset.

Your mother does not exist simply as an extention to you and your family.

This!

I think you are being very selfish. Maybe you can't yet understand what it's like to near the end of life, see friends and relatives and co-workers start dropping dead with alarming regularity, and still have unfulfilled dreams. Having recently turned 60 and realized that time is running out, I am similarly working toward making some of my lifelong dreams a reality.

You should be thrilled that she is doing something for herself, instead of dwelling on the impact on your nuclear family. Your kids can Facetime with her, and visit. She doesn't have to be the handy-dandy babysitter in order for a relationship to develop. I wouldn't curb my plans in order to read a storybook to a toddler once a week, fgs.

honestly what is it about ‘moving to the coast’ what is the attraction ? Coastal towns are often remote from services , expensive , and cold and wet in winter . Many are impoverished in winter as there are no jobs except the summer seasonal ones and the hotels are all closed except for Xmas week. I can only assume that it’s about nostalgia

Lots of posters are talking as if the OP's mum doesn't know her own mind and hasn't considered any of the logistics. Probably because she is a woman of a certain age it's considered that she's vulnerable, stupid or too old to think. She's in her 60s and there is no indication in anything the OP has said that she is in any way mentally incapacitated. Maybe she just wants to move to where she wants to.