To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

But the fact your Mum does not want to be joined to you by the hip does not mean you are not close, she spent her whole life doing stuff for her kids, she now wants to do her own thing and it is pretty selfish you want to shape the relationship between her and your daughter according to what you want but dont think about what relationship she wants to have.

It's only 200 miles your mum is moving. I think you are overreacting in shock.

I disagree. That's the distance between London and Leeds. How much they can see each other will be impacted significantly.

@DontGoGran
It is fine to let your mom know that you will miss her,but you should also be happy that she is getting to do.something that she wants to do. Where are you factoring her happiness into your feeling equation?

Mulling over this, is it possible OP that the childcare has been a little bit more often than the once or twice a month you speak of? Or the involvement in your lives more intense with visits back and forth between your homes?

You’re pregnant again, maybe her thought at being swamped with two young children on a regular basis and having to support you in the early years again is frankly - stuff that! I’m going to the seeeeaaa!! 🌊

We did this. Moved to where we wanted to on the coast and one by one they've all moved to be near us!

Will the 220 miles be only doable by car & you will be expected to go there all the time?

If she can get by train/bus for example that's not so bad.

She could still visit regularly & stay a night or two.

It's not unreasonable. The childcare is an issue even if a minute part of it.

You don't need to be Einstein either to see why the OP is upset either!!!!!!!

The OP hasn't said her mum can't drive.

i you or DH got the job of your dreams 200 miles away, would you give it up to stay living near her?

Honestly, yes, I wouldn't move any further away from my mum by choice than I already am. I'd rather have less money and be able to see her more often.

It's actually been less frequent recently as my working days have changed so we haven't needed her help (but she's been welcome to come if she wanted), and the specific need for her to come and help once a month is stopping completely when I have the baby because I will no longer be at work. I've made it very clear that she's under no obligation to come and help when new baby is here, but she offered to come and stay with us for two weeks immediately after the birth to cook and manage the house whilst we get settled in. I said yes because it was so kind of her, but she certainly wasn't under an obligation to.

I do think it’s an unusual move if she literally doesn’t know anyone in the area. Also she can’t be in denial about care needs later in life if she cared for her own parent.

Has she been back to visit the area in recent years or is she just thinking of childhood holidays?

Yanbu. Anyone with a close relationship with their parent would be very upset by this. It's a rather unusual grandparent who would choose to do this.

I don't really come from a family that "moves away" though, we all live in two neighbouring counties (cousin's and aunts, grandparents etc).

The OP has clearly said that the one day a month childcare provided by her mum can be accommodated .

OP when I read your mum’s age my heart sank. I live in a coastal area which is fully of retired people who failed to properly appreciate the implications of moving away from family. They are swept up in nostalgia and seem surprised that a seaside town in November is not the same as in July.

They are shocked that the GP surgery may not be full time or there may only be one surgery which is a bus ride away. The nearest hospital is 45 minutes at least from the coast . The bus service is sketchy to say the least, look across the town at 7pm on a November weeknight and there’s barely a light to be seen as all the second home owners are absent.

My DM was a serial house mover - think over 10 times in the same number of years! Sometimes she only stayed there 6 months. She always said she’d move back home to be near her children and grandchildren but never did until a year before she died. She actually said she moved nearer so she could have some help with her husband, our stepfather.
Her motives were incredibly selfish and she didnt once think of her children. Yes we were adults, but it still hurt.

She may well be back one day in the future when she needs support.

But for now, she has a lifelong ambition to live there, near the sea and now is her time to do it. At that age time will be flashing by unbelievably fast and she’s probably realised this is her one chance to do something she’s always wanted to do. It’s now or never.

You said exactly what I was going to say.

I think it's a bit short-sighted of her. She should have done it years ago if that was her dream.

Does she even know anyone there?

She needs to understand how isolated she is going to make herself, because you will not be near enough to help her out should her health/mobility deteriorate.

If she is clear about that, then on her own head be it.

I don't know why people are being so crass about your being upset. Of course you are. Especially if this has come out of the blue for you. If grandparents move it's more likely to be closer to grandchildren, not so much further away.

I would suggest to get that she rents a house there for 3 months first before selling her house.

Can you easily put her up if she visits, now but what about in five years when your kids like their own bedrooms and don’t want to move out

can she drive ? What about in 10 years time ?

will you go back to full time work, so visiting her becomes a night mare to plan

what about when the kids have clubs, sports games, parties to go to at weekends

I think a long honest conversation about all of this, including realistic ability to visit each other is needed

and how much care you can offer her.

and then don’t let her guilt you

she can move her bed to the seaside, but she then has to live with where it is and the reality of that

Be happy for her, OP. Be excited with her if you can manage it. She's doing something just for her, something that she's wanted for years. You'll all be able to have lovely holidays and the chances are in a few years, things may change again.

YANBU to be upset but you're unreasonable to be anything but happy and supportive of her plans. Sounds like she's due some time when she puts her own dreams first.

I would love to be able to move to the coast, in particular a place that we holidayed when we were kids, but my family (including grown up kids and grandkids) need me here. So I might be biased here.

Your mum has presumably been there for others for most of her life. This is her chance to do something for her, which makes her happy. You might miss her and have concerns about any future care needs but you have the chance to show her that you are happy that she’s doing something that she really wants to do.

This is a good idea , I would also suggest she does this out if season so she can really test what it’s like to live there as a resident not a visitor .

I would also do sone gentle probing to check there is nothing else going on

Goodness I'm not surprised you are upset! Seems a bit odd for her to up sticks and move quite so far away from family at her age. What is even odder is that she is "angry" at you for expressing that you will miss her when it sounds like you have a great relationship currently. Maybe she does just want to start afresh with no obligations, hopefully she won't regret it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to mention the childcare aspect as you have, especially as it’s your DM that suggested it and made a commitment to you/your DD that she’d do it. It’s not something you’d normally suggest if you had a lukewarm relationship. The fact she’s announced this move when you’re heavily pregnant, hormonal and might need a bit of emotional and practical support over the next few months, it’s pretty shit timing. I can see why you’re upset, I’d be gutted too. My parents only do ad hoc childcare maybe once every other month (if that) so nothing to do with that, but that sort of distance completely removes the option for last minute dinners, coffees, shopping trips etc that I really love.

What would make me downright angry though is the lack of forward planning. She’s nearly 70, already had at least one op requiring care afterwards, and she’s moving 200 miles away from the family member who’s most likely to help with any further care or assistance she needs in the future. If she was ten years younger I could understand it on the basis you’d hope to get a good decade or more in the new location before you hit the time of your life where you’re worried about a fall, coping after cateract surgery or staying mobile after giving up driving. She’s either deliberately not thinking about it, or, given the fact you’re “the carer” of your siblings, you’ll make it work. It would be sensible (but not easy, I admit) to have a frank discussion about how much you’ll be able to visit now, so at least the concept of you not being on call to help if required is percolating somewhere.