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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected dd to stay home?

325 replies

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:27

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/11/2023 23:28

Depends on the 13 year old.

katmarie · 11/11/2023 23:30

Did you ask her to watch her brother? And if she had other plans, or if she minded? Or just tell her your plans and expect her to fit in with them? Not sure anyone would be too happy simply being told they were staying in and watching their younger sibling, I definitely would have resented that at 16.

ExtraOnions · 11/11/2023 23:30

He’s 13 not 3 … and you are home now, which isn’t very late at all

margotrose · 11/11/2023 23:30

From your post, you just said you didn't want him home alone all evening, not that she couldn't go out at all?

suntannedsnowballs · 11/11/2023 23:30

Awk no I think a 16 year old being expected to look after a 13 year old is a weeeee bit unreasonable as long as there are no additional needs involved

Hellocatshome · 11/11/2023 23:30

Did you actually tell DD she couldn't go out at all? Its sounds like your instructions were quite vague. Also if leaving your kids home alone I would put phone on silent in my pocket not turned off completely.

OuiOuiMonAmiJeMappelleLafayette · 11/11/2023 23:30

If you didn't explicitly tell her she needed to stay at home and your 13 year old doesn't have any additional needs, or fear of being home alone, then your 16 year old didn't do anything wrong,

Original poster
champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:31

13yo is a young 13, not incapable but not sure how well he'd cope if there was an actual emergency.

I'm so cross dd disregarded what we said though.

OP posts:
Densol57 · 11/11/2023 23:31

I never turn my phone off. Merely put it on silent. What if there was an emergency .....a bit like what happened tonight

Hellocatshome · 11/11/2023 23:32

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:31

13yo is a young 13, not incapable but not sure how well he'd cope if there was an actual emergency.

I'm so cross dd disregarded what we said though.

Did she disregard what you said though? You said you didn't want him leaving alone too long. That's a bit vague and you didn't say you didn't want him leaving alone at all.

OuiOuiMonAmiJeMappelleLafayette · 11/11/2023 23:33

If she went out at 9.45 the. He wasn't on his own for very long, was he?

I wouldn't have a go at her, but as an adult, plan better in the future!

Switchingoff · 11/11/2023 23:33

You said you didn’t want DS at home alone all evening. He wasn’t. DD changed her plans to ensure that. Sounds like you assumed she’d stay home with him and made your own plans without checking with her?

And I agree you should have been contactable, for both kids!

BoohooWoohoo · 11/11/2023 23:33

we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

If she left at 9:45 and your film ended at 10:40 even with an hour travel, he hasn't been on his own all evening. On his own all evening would be if she left early evening (say 6pm)

Mummymummy89 · 11/11/2023 23:34

I think you are slightly babying your 13yo.

How was the 13yo when you got home? Scared, unsure, out of his depth?

Or completely unbothered, calmly getting on with his evening?

ThinWomansBrain · 11/11/2023 23:35

I love the idea of "exorcisting a 16yo"
😂

margotrose · 11/11/2023 23:35

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:31

13yo is a young 13, not incapable but not sure how well he'd cope if there was an actual emergency.

I'm so cross dd disregarded what we said though.

She didn't disregard what you said.

You said you didn't want him leaving alone for too long, not that she couldn't leave him at all.

Original poster
champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:35

I didn't specifically say she had to supervise him but I don't think it's unreasonable to direct her to Leo her brother company. She get to go out a lot and we almost never go out as a couple. When she couldn't get to the neighbouring town she didn't mention other potential plans.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 11/11/2023 23:36

Can you have a word with my mum's past self? I had to be coming home at 9:45pm when I was 16, not just going out.

I was left on my own a lot younger than 13 though. Used to spend the evening watching Hammer Horror films, there was always one on on a Saturday night. Happy days.

margotrose · 11/11/2023 23:36

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:35

I didn't specifically say she had to supervise him but I don't think it's unreasonable to direct her to Leo her brother company. She get to go out a lot and we almost never go out as a couple. When she couldn't get to the neighbouring town she didn't mention other potential plans.

It's not her responsibility to stay in with her brother so you can have a night out though.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/11/2023 23:36

YABU. It’s not your daughter’s role to mind her brother.

Redglitter · 11/11/2023 23:36

I think she's been reasonable. You said you didn't want him left alone all evening & would be home after 11. She went out at 945pm so he wasn't left alone all evening

Shes compromised. He's old enough to be alone for an hour & a half. YABU

10HailMarys · 11/11/2023 23:37

Not sure why your DD should be responsible for looking after your 13-year-old in the first place. She’s not his parent. You are.

He was only on his own for an hour or so. What ‘emergency’ did you expect to occur in an hour that DD would be able to handle and DS wouldn’t?

If you have a 13-year-old who can’t be on his own for an hour or two, that’s for you to manage, not his sister.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/11/2023 23:38

If she agreed to stay in she should have.

SD1978 · 11/11/2023 23:38

You didn't specifically ask her to watch him, or arrange for her to babysit her brother. She was in most of the evening, went out an hour before you got back. You were completely uncontactable- which personally I think is a bit daft if you're leaving them home alone in case there is an issue. If you expect her to watch him all evening- I think you need to make that more obvious, and not assume a 16tr old will think the same way as you.

Whaleandsnail6 · 11/11/2023 23:39

Your post reads like you and dh decided that she would stay home with your son, without checking with her and then in the meantime, she made her own plans?

That does seem a bit unfair on her. She also wanted to go out this evening, how come it was her who was expected to stay in?

I also think you were a bit vague with the "not alone all evening" ...it wasnt all evening that she left him for.