To have expected dd to stay home?

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

Make plans better known in advance next time.
It is fair that she be expected to mind her brother sometimes.
You obviously drive her about etc and so contributing to the babysitting is fair enough sometimes.

Where the hell is a 16 year old going at 9:45pm? Who is she mixing with?

At 16, I was working full time and out pubbing and clubbing with friends on a Saturday night.
9.45 was early.

First of all, you sprang this expectation on your daughter last minute without any warning whatsoever. You said you didn't want DS to be on his own all evening. Later, your daughter messaged you to tell you she was going out. The fact you then had your phone switched off is firmly on you.

Take responsibility for your own mistakes in all of this. You are being unfair.

What are your plans more important than hers?

I would normally plan in advance and tell DD16 if she can stay home with DD12? if she says she can and then leave I will be cross.

If she has already made plans I will try to re-arrange. sometimes we both have plans and we will leave DD12 alone for a máximum of 3 hours.

You are worried about 13DS home alone for 2 hours but I would have been worried about her going out so late too. Unless there was an specific party or event already arranged I wouldn’t expect my DD just to go out so late and with such a short notice. I would not expect her to be clubbing every weekend either as a previous poster said. She is still a minor.

I don’t think 13 is too young to be left alone but you know your son best but you needed to be clearer with your daughter re expectations. You told her that her brother couldn’t be on his own all night not that she needed to stay in with him the whole time but you expected her to know what you meant. Next time make sure that you are all aligned.

@Greengrass8 That was me. Sixteen year olds seem so immature nowadays compared to when I was sixteen and working a 42 hour week.

Is it just me or is that incredibly late for 16yo to be going out?

No one else is saying so, but that's all I can think.

This

OP don't you think it's plain weird you're worried about a 13yo safely at home alone for maybe 1-2 hours but NOT worried about a 16yo going out soooo late alone? And you don't even seem to fully know where she's gone or when she'll be back?

Mine were never left alone or to babysit unless they were happy with that. Yabu as it seems you didn't have a conversation before you went out to check this.

Was she asked to babysit? Or were you assuming she would be in or would stay in if asked. She clearly wanted to see her friend and I wouldn’t stop my 16yr old going out because I wanted her to stay in with her 13yr old brother. Yes I left my kids at 13 home alone early evening. Perhaps occasionally until 10-11 but not often. They were all very sensible, but I don’t like leaving them alone at night, even now with my youngest being 15. But I do occasionally

I don't get why you decided you didn't want your 13 year old left alone. If he's fine with it, why does your DD need to stay in? Just leave your phone on, no idea why you would turn it off rather than putting it on silent.

I'd get a babysitter if didn't want him alone. V rusky making yourselves uncontactabpe if they're not with an adult

I leave my 13 yr old babysitting while I go out so hard for me to imagine a 13 yr old needing babysat! (Nearly 14 and incredibly reliable and sensible) But I ask well in advance if it’s ok for her to babysit and if she has plans we don’t go out (very rarely go out anyway).

It doesn’t sound like you had a very clear conversation before you went out so I don’t think you can be that angry with the 16 yr old.

At 16 I was allowed out one night a week and had to be home by 11pm - I don’t have any younger siblings to worry about but if I’d told my parents I was staying in, they would expect me to be in when they got home!!

i think I would be cross in this situation - she didn’t text you to ask permission to go out, she told you of her plans and clearly didn’t wait for an acknowledgment that you’d seen it.

as for those saying that your plans don’t trump her plans - well yes they do. At 16 she is still legally a child and your responsibility, so you get to decide if she stays in / goes out etc. She gets to make her own choices freely when she’s 18.

This, why is he a 'young 13' does DD have to take on responsibility for him and have more other tasks than he?
Do you as pp say baby him compared to her because he's a boy?

Oh this!! No actual issue of 16yo potentially roaming streets unsafely, only younger child not being kept company!

You’re asking her to respect your plans without respecting hers. Had this been a planned event and you had asked her to babysit and she agreed then went out then yes she’s in the wrong. But it sounds like you dumped it on her last minute.

I also wouldn’t have been uncontactable if I was that worried about my youngest?

She did follow what you said though as she went out an hour or so before you came back
You said I didn't want DS to be left alone all evening and he wasn't!

as for those saying that your plans don’t trump her plans - well yes they do. At 16 she is still legally a child and your responsibility, so you get to decide if she stays in / goes out etc. She gets to make her own choices freely when she’s 18.

What nonsense. Parental responsibility (and the rights it brings) are given to parents to make decisions in their children's best interests, not to use them as free childcare when they fancy an evening out.

I think you need to leave your phone on even if on silent when you have kids even teens at home. Then if something goes wrong they can contact you.

At 13 I was babysitting other people’s children until later than that!

If your DS is too young to be left home for an evening, then either you stay home with him, get a babysitter or talk properly to your DD and ask if she’d do you a favour and babysit him- with the understanding she can say no if she really doesn’t want to. It sounds like you just told her your plans with the expectation she’d just have to go along with them, but DS isn’t her responsibility and I can see why she didn’t want to. I also think she’s managed it quite well in coming up with a compromise on her own where she did stay most of the time with him, and only went out a little while before you came home anyway.

I don't think you have any right to be angry here op.
As others have said, if you aren't comfortable leaving ds at home then you need to make actual plans instead of giving vague information to your dd.
My eldest does watch my little ones for me on occasion if I need to nip to the shop etc but I'm very much aware that they are my children and responsibility and not hers