To have expected dd to stay home?

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

If you didn't specifically ask her to stay in with her brother than you can't complain when she doesnt do that. It is not her responsibility.

If you had asked her to babysit and had pre planned that with her then it is a different story but you didn't.

I don’t agree with it not being her ‘role’ to look after him (we’ve all got to help out occasionally). However, to enforce this, I’d say it needed to be agreed in advance with DD so she knew what was expected but also, I’m not sure a 13yo needs to be babysat. Although it depends on if he’s capable I guess.

I LOVED having the house to myself for an occasional evening at 13/14 years old. Was your DS freaked out about it? Or just simply doing what he would normally do? Maybe you should teach him what to do in emergencies if you’re concerned he still doesn’t have a clue. Though it doesn’t make much sense to be so concerned about teens not knowing what to do then making yourself unavailable by turning your phone off.

Dh had his phone on vibrate, but she messaged me.

She get to go out a lot and we almost never go out as a couple

She gets to go out because, unlike you, she isn’t a) an adult or b) a parent. It’s not her fault you can’t go out much. You chose to have kids; it’s not fair to resent her because you’ve responsibilities and she hasn’t.

YABU. Even more unreasonable for making yourselves uncontactable from your kids for hours in case they needed you.

If “no one had plans” did you then specifically say “DD we are going out, will you stay home all evening and babysit your brother” and receive an actual commitment from her that she’d do it? Or did you just assume since she had no plans at that time that she’d be ok with it?

As for “she gets to go out lots and we don’t” - that’s because she’s a 16 year old and you’re a grown adult who made a choice to be a parent. That comes with restrictions. It’s not her job to facilitate you going out and it absolutely is unreasonable to direct her to keep her brother company so you can go to the cinema.

So, was your DS bothered by being on his own?

How was she supposed to know which parent has switched their phone off?

Yabu.
If a13 ur old can't stay home on his own, that is what needs sorting - not expecting his sister to babysit him. That's not fair on her.

It doesn’t sound like it was all evening, it sounds like 2 hours max.

I never expected any of our older children to babysit the younger ones tbh, that’s unfair on them. Your children are YOUR responsibility they’re not the responsibility of older siblings. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you expected to go and see a film with your phone off. we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening. Then you should have arranged child care for your 13 year old if you were worried about leaving him alone and not expected a sibling to stay in on a Saturday evening to babysit.

She get to go out a lot and we almost never go out as a couple
It doesn’t matter if your DD gets to go out a lot and you don’t get time as a couple, you made a choice to have children and your responsible for both children. Your choices aren’t her problem and she’s a teenager, of course she’ll want to be out with friends rather than baby sitting her brother. YABVU.

She is being cheeky and has taken full advantage of the situation. I would be cross with her if I were you. The finer details like did you specifically ask her or anything else wouldn't matter to me.

Having said that it's her being a typical teen. In future don't give specific of your plans. It the age where they would use every opportunity to their own benefit.

You should have discussed it with her earlier than the day of, not expected her to watch him last minute. You didn't even say she couldn't go later, you said you didn't want him left alone all evening. It also sounds like you didn't inform her your phones would be off. Why turn your phone off instead of on silent? This is on you, as a parent your DS is your responsibility. It's not reasonable to expect her to watch him last minute with zero discussion let alone be angry at her for going out when you didn't specify she needed to watch him ALL evening.

So your 13 year old was alone for around 75 minutes?

I'm sorry if I missed this. Did you ask her and agree to pay her for babysitting? Because reading your op it's ambiguous at best.

But he was only alone for an hour or so? And should have been in bed?
I would have been a bit cross that she’d gone out even when you’d asked her not to and left him when you thought she was home. BUT I also think you perhaps ought to have had a compromise plan. She stayed in til 9:30 and then Ds could have just chilled and gone to bed til you came home.

Ds was fine when we got home.

I'm not expecting dd to be a babysitter, but I don't think it's unreasonable for her to keep him company occasionally.

i don't resent her going out and often help her with lifts or bus fare.

Of course I know ds is our responsibility not hers but she knew we didn't want him being left the latter part of the evening and said we'd change our plans if she went out. Yet she went out anyway.

I think YAB a bit U

He is 13, and only alone for at tops and hour and a half.

You posted at 11.27. Presumably you didn't post as soon as you turned into the driveway, so you've been home probably since just after 11. Not exactly overnight or anything.

More than likely didn't even notice she'd gone out - presumably they would have been doing their own things, in separate rooms if she were there.

If you think your 13 yr old isn't ready to be alone for 75 - 90mins, then you need to look at why that is, and think about how you can build his resilience rather than blaming your 16 yr old. Or, if there is some exceptional reason why he needs looking after, then make arrangements with a sitter, or see if he could go to one of his friend's for the evening, or, ask dd, in advance, if she would mind staying in for one particular occasion.

@champagnetruffleshuffle oh for goodness sake stop blaming a 16 year old for wanting to go out. If you want to go out you book a baby sitter for your 13 year old if he’s not capable of being left alone. Don’t put child minding responsibilities on your daughter. No 16 year old I know wants to spend a Saturday night with her younger brother.

Did you explicitly ask her to stay home and did she agree? Or were you as ambiguous in real life as you're being on here?

And THIS will be OP's takeaway from her thread.

What the blazes does "don't give specific of your plans" mean?

i don't resent her going out and often help her with lifts or bus fare. You clearly do judging by this statement She get to go out a lot and we almost never go out as a couple

Giving lifts and bus fare doesn’t entitle you to a night out. It’s a normal part of parenting imo.

To me you went out with one set of expectations and she changed them without consulting, so she’s at fault. If she was going to go out regardless of whether she had a lift or not then she should have told you. Not a major issue given he’s 13 but it would annoy me too.

You asked her to stay home and she went out anyway. I would let her know it’s not ok. If it happens again I would hand out consequences.