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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected dd to stay home?

325 replies

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:27

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

OP posts:
Mirrormeback · 12/11/2023 00:48

Where on earth do you people live

16 year olds easily stay out in my city till midnight

Its completely normal

As is a 13 year old being home alone for a few hours

This is a non issue

Mirrormeback · 12/11/2023 00:49

BungleandGeorge · 12/11/2023 00:44

since when are 12 year olds old enough to babysit?!

Since people walked the earth

YouCanExfilNow · 12/11/2023 01:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2023 01:09

I would think a 13 yo would be totally fine alone at those times.

That said it’s not great she agreed one thing and did another.

Lunde · 12/11/2023 01:16

There seem to be a lot of things that you might need to think about

  • Dropping the babysitting on her at the last minute
  • did you offer to pay or just expect her to change plans when you announced you were going out over dinner? How long in advance did you ask?
  • Expectations not really clear you wrote in OP "we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening" - but in her mind she didn't leave him alone all night - she stayed home until 55 minutes before the film ended so he was alone for max 75-90 minutes
  • Do you baby DS? you seem to think that he is incapable at 13 of being alone for an hour or two but are unphased by 16 year old dd being out at 10pm. Why can't he be left alone for a couple of hours?
  • Your ds wasn't upset or worried
  • Why did you turn your phones off? Not being contactable is down to you. If there had been an emergency you would not have picked up for dd either
  • You seem to have some sort of fantasy idea that DD should have stayed home to "bond" or "buddy" with her younger brother - is this something you were really expecting?
ShipSpace · 12/11/2023 01:18

Oh crumbs. You didn’t really do this, did you?

She’s 16. If she doesn’t have the freedom of a last minute, spontaneous Saturday night social life now, when will she have it?

When she’s an adult? A parent?

Can’t believe you expected this of her without any prior agreement, and then made yourself uncontactable!

ZiriForGood · 12/11/2023 01:20

You said you didn't want him all night alone - and she stayed half of the night. Technically, she did what you asked for. And she can't be hold responsible for you not turning on your data connection.

The "keeping company" part sounds strange to me. My mum used phrases like that to task me with something while not counting it as "me helping", sometimes even trying to turn it into "my choice". It is totally ok to ask 16 yo to do something, just own it.

CherryMyBrandy · 12/11/2023 01:37

There are two separate issues:

  1. You told your daughter to stay in and she didn't, she just went out disobeying what she'd been told.
  1. Your 13 year old should be old enough to stay in their own for a few hours of an evening. If they are not you've done something wrong and you need to be teaching them what to do in emergency situations and who they can contact if they can't get hold of you.

I would be cross about 1. If she wanted to go out she should have negotiated that at the time but if that was unsuccessful, the answer is not just to do what she wants regardless of what you said.

You also need to address 2 going forward.

CherryMyBrandy · 12/11/2023 01:44

champagnetruffleshuffle · 11/11/2023 23:51

Ds was fine when we got home.

I'm not expecting dd to be a babysitter, but I don't think it's unreasonable for her to keep him company occasionally.

i don't resent her going out and often help her with lifts or bus fare.

Of course I know ds is our responsibility not hers but she knew we didn't want him being left the latter part of the evening and said we'd change our plans if she went out. Yet she went out anyway.

It's absolutely fine to ask or expect occasional babysitting from an older sibling. People who are saying it's not are being ridiculous. Totally normal. They are part of a family from which they get a lot of benefits, and they should contribute to the running of the family/home and that includes helping each out on occasion. It teaches responsibility, consideration of others, and that you should contribute to the place on which you are living. And giving teens responsibility and showing you trust them with that it's great for their self esteem (even if they might not realise it at the time!!).

However having said all that your 13 year old shouldn't need a babysitter for a couple of hours if an evening!

Happiestonthebeach · 12/11/2023 01:45

i disagree with a lot of the other posters about the responsibility for your 16yo. I think it’s fine.
I often ask my dd 16 to look after her brother and she’s fine with it- to be honest, I run her around here there and everywhere, and so I’d be a pissed off if once a month or so she was massively inconvenienced if I wanted to go out somewhere.

I’d be mighty annoyed with my dd going out at 9.45pm at night without her having run it past me first though. Not sure if that’s normal for your dd or not? My dd’s curfew is earlier than that usually!

TeenLifeMum · 12/11/2023 01:45

I always pay dd1 when I want her to stay home and look after her sisters. They’re 12 so won’t need it much longer but it’s just when we’re out late we ask dd1. Paying her makes her role clear. In your situation I’d be disappointed and my trust of DD’s judgment would be lowered. ( not she’s a teen and they make selfish judgement calls - doesn’t mean you don’t hold her to account though)

Pinkpinkpink15 · 12/11/2023 01:50

It's difficult when we weren't there, but it sounds like you were a bit vague & there's been some miscommunication.

id just let it drop this time. Next time be much more clear.

i wouldn't have a 16 yo going out at 9:45 without actually speaking to one of us, let alone without even a text reply. If you don't get a reply you haven't got permission!

To the posters saying the DS should be able to be left for a few hours on his own, now 17yo year old didn't like to be home alone, in the evening, at 13. It's not a moral failing FFS.

However, her DS Was fine with it.

@champagnetruffleshuffle just go through what FS needs to do in an emergency, if he's happy to be home alone, then give him the skills so you're happy he can cope.

'Being in/keeping company is not babysitting, it's just doing her own thing but being around so he's not home alone. It's (IMO) just part of being in a family. He's 13 so doesn't need to be entertained, bedtime routine etc. that's babysitting.

sashh · 12/11/2023 02:01

You are the parent, not your DD.

Parents who want their child looked after / being kept company /babysitting should arrange it beforehand, and pay.

fuzzystar · 12/11/2023 02:28

Did you pay her to babysit?

Can you sort your phone out so emergancy calls come through? Mine has a setting so if someone calls twice within a certain time at night it will ring

FiveAndSeven · 12/11/2023 02:40

You're being unreasonable in asking her to babysit her brother so you can have a night out.
He's 13 and capable of spending the evening alone, or you could pay a babysitter.
You can't expect a 16 year old to give up her social life to facilitate yours, even if it is only once per month, especially on a Saturday night.

Aria999 · 12/11/2023 02:44

If you wanted her to babysit her brother you should have checked it was convenient not just assumed it.

Superduper02 · 12/11/2023 03:13

What I find staggering is a 16 year old LEAVING the house at 9.45pm.

Ponderingwindow · 12/11/2023 03:17

If you want her to babysit her brother, you need to make specific arrangements with her. You do not have the right to assume her time is available to you.

babysitting occasionally may be a reasonable contribution to the family. That still doesn’t mean you don’t have to ask.

WandaWonder · 12/11/2023 03:34

The children are yours, she does not have to do anything, if you want a baby sitter arrange one

SherryPalmer · 12/11/2023 03:36

I don’t understand why you didn’t make it clear to your dd that you wanted her to babysit him if that’s what you wanted. I can see how she feels like she did exactly what you asked - “keep him company and make sure he isn’t left alone all evening”. You can’t be annoyed at her because you wanted to pretend she was spending the evening in with him at her own choice, rather than as a favour to you.

WhatTheFuk · 12/11/2023 03:49

Surely at 13, DS could be the one at the cinema in the evening or even out babysitting himself. Assuming no relevant disability, perhaps work on life skills and maturity so he is more capable of being left for an hour or so. I really wouldn't expect him to need looking after.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 12/11/2023 03:55

YABU. You're the parents of your son, she isn't, it is never her responsibility to look after him if she doesn't want to. You don't get to tell her she has to stay home and look after her brother. You want to go out together and don't want to leave him alone? You hire a babysitter, or ask her if she's willing to do it and pay her like you'd pay a babysitter IF she agrees. Older siblings aren't free childcare for the youngers.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 12/11/2023 04:03

we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.
Yabvvu to not be contactable for the entire evening

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/11/2023 04:06

YABVU. I have kids of the same ages. You're expecting a 16 yo to adult, fine with her going out alone late but infantilising a 13yo locked safely in a house. Book a baby sitter if you must, don't put your responsibilities on your elder child.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/11/2023 04:07

You could have booked a 1pm showing of the film to avoid this.