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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

197 replies

SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 18:58

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

OP posts:
SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 19:00

I know we could technically move back when we can afford it but honestly the way things are going it feels like we will never be able to afford a house here especially not coming back from a cheap area

OP posts:
dumpkin · 11/11/2023 19:02

So the plan was for them to give their bigger house to you but for no extra cost?

I understand why you feel let down but tbh I think the above was a pipe dream.

CantFindTheBeat · 11/11/2023 19:02

Your in laws are being extremely unreasonable, OP.

To be fair, the arrangement was a little bit odd, but assuming it was a considered agreement that everyone discussed and understood, then that's awful.

What have they said about the situation?

NalafromtheLionKing · 11/11/2023 19:03

Could you actually afford ILs’ house (were they cutting you a deal or were you just hoping you would be earning more by now so able to afford it at market price)?

Firebug007 · 11/11/2023 19:03

No YANBU that was a shitty thing to do to you 💐 I'd struggle to be civil tbh.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 11/11/2023 19:04

I assume you didn't have a legal agreement in place? It was ridiculous to assume they'd actually go through with it, really. Surely you didn't actually believe they'd just... swap?

SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 19:05

So we have taken on a lot of extra costs (in small amounts as we go along) in work that needed doing to this house.

we would have paid all of the mortgage, bills etc when we moved to their house.. they just wouldn’t have “made” any money on it as they weren’t selling it. They also wouldn’t have had to do this house up so a lot of time and effort was taken off their hands in that way too. They would have moved to a cheaper and newly renovated house and been up the road from their grandchildren so it seemed everyone was happy

OP posts:
Countdown2023 · 11/11/2023 19:06

They just said that so you, DH and the kids would not move out of the area.

BackToRealMe · 11/11/2023 19:06

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 11/11/2023 19:04

I assume you didn't have a legal agreement in place? It was ridiculous to assume they'd actually go through with it, really. Surely you didn't actually believe they'd just... swap?

Why is it so difficult to think OP would believe this? Plenty of parents out there who'd help their grown up children this way.
I also would assume people mean what they say/promise/agree.

GrumpyPanda · 11/11/2023 19:07

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 11/11/2023 19:04

I assume you didn't have a legal agreement in place? It was ridiculous to assume they'd actually go through with it, really. Surely you didn't actually believe they'd just... swap?

OP specifies it was intended to take place when they can afford a larger mortgage. Thus not a straight swap.

NalafromtheLionKing · 11/11/2023 19:09

But if they paid a lot more for the property than yours is worth in the first place, they would presumably be losing money by just letting you take on the mortgage from a certain point and keep their deposit and equity they have built up (not to mention any profit they would have made). I don’t think many people would do that, especially if it would leave them short for their retirement.

Hearmenow23 · 11/11/2023 19:09

What did they say when you asked them wtf they were doing?

TomatoSandwiches · 11/11/2023 19:09

Countdown2023 · 11/11/2023 19:06

They just said that so you, DH and the kids would not move out of the area.

This, I'd be very disappointed and not sure I could be civil for a while tbh.

SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 19:09

We knew I would be earning more by 2025 - and then we would definitely have been able to afford it. They have just decided they don’t want to wait that long now.

I could have transferred my studies last year and even checked with them at that point to see if they were still happy with the arrangement, so it feels like a bit of a slap in the face tbh

OP posts:
Hearmenow23 · 11/11/2023 19:09

Why couldn't they wait to downsize?

Primproperpenny · 11/11/2023 19:11

Wow! They’ve really done a number on you. What has your DP said, more to the point? Surely it’s for him to argue it out with the in-laws?

CantFindTheBeat · 11/11/2023 19:11

What have they said to you both about reneging, OP?

Are they still expecting a lovely, happy family?

SM4713 · 11/11/2023 19:11

Is there an illness/recent diagnosis you aren't aware of meaning they wanted to downsize sooner? What did they say when you reminded them of your 'arrangement'? Are they moving closer to a different child of theirs?

SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 19:16

They don’t have any other grandchildren and DHs sister lives abroad.

they are late 70s but have been

FIL was very unwell last year but told us as soon as he knew he would need treatment and we supported them a lot with running him to the hospital, helping care for him etc. I would like to think they would tell us if something else was going on.

I don’t get why they didn’t at least give us a heads up… it was just “we are doing this”

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 11/11/2023 19:18

OP,

You're not answering the question many have asked. What did they say when you asked about backtracking on their agreement?

SeverusGrapes · 11/11/2023 19:18

BackToRealMe · 11/11/2023 19:06

Why is it so difficult to think OP would believe this? Plenty of parents out there who'd help their grown up children this way.
I also would assume people mean what they say/promise/agree.

thanks

I just would dream of agreeing to something I wasn’t intending to follow through on

It hurts tbh when I thought we were really close

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 11/11/2023 19:21

Were you doing housework and maintenance for them? Why couldn't the swap happen this year?

ZekeZeke · 11/11/2023 19:27

Are they moving far away or staying in the same location?
If its the latter get your DH to speak with them and ask them if you can swap houses now. Can you afford that bigger mortgage now?

Countdown2023 · 11/11/2023 19:31

So no one else to help them in their old age, no other grandchildren

BINGO!

BecauseTheWorld · 11/11/2023 19:39

Maybe they don’t like your house. Maybe they can’t afford to run their house.