Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

I'm surprised they even agreed to this deal tbh. They have decided they need to downsize (not something people usually do when they are financially comfortable) but you expected them to just swap houses with you and make no money from the house they have been paying a much higher mortgage on instead of selling it to someone else at a fair price? That's absurd, I'm sorry.

Not sure SIL should take the cat. Wouldn’t trust her with a stick insect tbh.

We live in UK but have EU (French/Irish) citizenship so very lucky in regards to freedom of movement

I know plenty of people who have downsized despite being financially comfortable in order to keep properties/land in the family and working around inheritance tax.

(Don’t know if the tax avoidance worked though!)

So, we have a habit of breaking wine glasses constantly, like, never have more than 2 left out of a set. Recently I washed some dishes and went to unload it and broke the last of the wine glasses in the sink when I accidentally dropped it. Suffice to say I did not want to hear my husband yell about it so I threw away the evidence in the bin and said I don't know what happened. He was losing his mind trying to figure out where it went but I just never said anything. Could something similar have happened here?

No sorry you are being unreasonable - there are so many factors in life that you just cannot take for granted that things are going to happen just like you planned! Really get off your cloud! Life sucks, you better start realising this. For all you know one of your in-laws has a health or wealth problem they haven’t admitted. People are allowed to change their minds. Put on you big girl pants and be grateful you have a house in a nice area, all the work that you have done on it will reflect on its selling price should you decide to move, so I don’t get why you are moaning, ok so your disappointed but you will get over it!

So your in-laws tricked you in spending all of your money and savings on a house close to them, and now that the children are well-established and you would of course hesitate to move away your in-laws pulled the plug on your agreement. YANBU and I would be hurt and unhappy too. Next occasion to move your studies, grab it and move your family as far away from your inlaws as you can.

moral of the story, don’t rely on other people and pay for your own bigger house, or move areas !

I think the OP's agreement with the ILs sounds like a reasonable way for parents to support their kids. We have a house that is far too big for two prople with a great garden for kids that requires loads of maintenance and the mortgage nearly paid off. In a few years I would be totally happy to swap that for a nice small house that was easy to maintain, or even a flat with communal gardens, if that would allow DS to enjoy financial freedom while we are still alive to see it, and would allow us an easier life as we get older.

I get this is not for everyone, but I do see that as an attractive deal for all parties in some cases.

That said, if the IL's personal circumstances mean that they do now need to cash in their property and the OP is not yet in a position to take over the mortgage and running costs, I do see that they may not be able to stand by the offer that they made in good faith.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable in being disappointed, but the ILs may also not be being unreasonable in saying they can't wait any longer.

What? To have believed her in-laws?

How accessible is your current house, OP? If they wanted to move to a bungalow or a ground floor flat due to mobility issues, I could see that being a factor that they might not have thought of earlier.

what if they struggle to access healthcare?
what if they live well into their nineties and have no one to help them mobility wise

@SeverusGrapes - I would literally tell them the above and why you’re concerned…..
Is the house in Italy even liveable ? Does your SIL owe money to someone out there and she’s running away? Your parents will have those people knocking their door!

Sounds a bit airy-fairy. You all made the largest financial investment - you bought a specific house, they bought a specific house - and none of you made an actual agreement??? None of you were involved in agreeing to each other's house purchases. Why would they move from a high-value, good quality home to a starter home they did not choose to buy?

Why did they not instead say in ten years, lets look where everyone is at, and we'll all sell homes and share the revenue and work out best living arrangements for everyone? Anything else would be insane. Everyone wants to choose where they live, and in what home they'll live IF they have that option. Your in-laws do,

Sorry, but whatever you thought you heard, is not what they were saying.

They would have made sure your home was suitable for their future elderly less mobile needs, before you purchased. They also would have paid £1500 for a full comprehensive survey before you purchased the house, to check the house would last them for the rest of their lives, without major repair costs. They would also have wanted a say in which house you bought.

Would you, in 30 years time give up your future home to move back into a starter home?

And why are your in-laws selling up? Where are they going? Because for some reason your grandchildren are not their no.1 priority any longer, if they only bought that house to be close to their grandchildren.

@OldPerson

A -I never said it was a starter home it’s just smaller and doesn’t suit us.

B - read the full thread

And yes, if it was the two of us in a too large I would help my children this way if it was an option. If we get where we want to be I will buy our children their first homes 🤞🏽especially if we are in a more affordable area

It does feel like SIL is going to come out top in this scenario, nothing you can do about that @SeverusGrapes . On the plus side you only have to live where you do for another couple of years and then you are free to move to wherever you wish, or move up the ladder if interest rates and house prices have stabilised.

Do they have EU passports OP? Otherwise post Brexit you can't just up sticks and live out there (well you can but for 90 days in any 6 months max) and if he's been I'll and is that age his health insurance will be really high too and some limit you to no more than 39 days at any one time- they need to be really aware. If they have EU passports well that's a different game

You need a plan for when your sister in law comes sniffing round you. Once she's back in the country she may try her luck getting you to bail her out.

The OP says they have French/Irish citizenship, so presumably this extends to the ILs.

Having read more on this thread, I would be seriously concerned about the ILs giving up their property in the UK to move to Italy if they have no family there. I have spent a lot of time in Italy and there is such a strong sense of family unity there, I don't know how an ageing couple with no family in the country will manage if they need healthcare, and coming back to the UK later will be difficult if they have no UK property.

This may not be an issue if the Italian property is a luxury villa in Rome or Milan, but in ten years they may find that selling a rural Italian house will not provide the money for them to buy anything decent in the UK.

Hi OP,
I think you should chat to your partner and meet with inlaws and tell them you want to support them/not fall out over this but you need two conditions to be met:
the flat they buy in the UK is in their names so it cannot be sold without their agreement,
the flat they buy has at least a second bedroom and the understanding that if they need to return to the UK they can go to live in it with SIL

Then sit back and relax while SIL either changes her mind about the whole thing or goes ahead and you are safe in the knowledge she will be the live in care if needed (or clear off back to Italy but at least they will have a home to come back to).

They do need to be clear that if they give their equity away you will be in no position to house them if they come back - so if SIL sells up or has a one bed or won’t have them where will they live?

This. 100%.

I would say yes they have let you down, but it's akward with family.
My sister and her then husband, were selling there 2 bed semi, as they needed a bigger house. It had been on the market for a while no offers, they see a 3 bed detached house which they like, my mum and dad were selling there bungalow, as they were going to move to be closer to my sister and her 3 kids. So when my parents got an offer on there bungalow, my sister still didn't any interest on there house.
So mum and dad offered to buy my sisters house, so that my sister could move to a bigger house. After my sister moved and mum and dad got my sisters house, my sister and her husband split up, (a few months later) she decides to move away. My parents are no stuck in a house they didn't really want, they were after a bungalow, not stairs, which they are struggling with on the mobility side. They only moved ti help out with the grand kids, which didn't last long.
But it's family, so my parents didn't complain to my sister.

@Winter2020
How does the OP or her husband have the right to dictate or impose any conditions on a purchase for which they are not providing any of the funding? They can't even afford to sell the property in which they are living. Try to impose conditions would involve an unimaginable sense of entitlement on their part.

You are talking about 2 adults who have managed their lives well enough to be in a better financial position than either of their adult children, and yet you think these adult are incapable of managing and disposing of their assets as they see fit? To what kind of ageist philosophy do you subscribe ?

It sounds absolutely horrible and a terrible mess. I'm really sorry, you must be gutted. It also doesn't sound like they are really thinking very straight about anything. Unfortunately you may have to lick your wounds on this one and realize that you can't rely on these people. That doesn't mean casting them to the curb, but simply accepting that they will be more a source of worry than support going forward, and you will have to make your own way from here.

Yes you have made compromises and sacrifices you wouldn't have otherwise made, but ultimately you are not in a bad position, only a bad position relative to the imaginary possible. You might only be able to find peace by setting that imaginary alternative aside and focusing on doing what's right for you and your family and what is directly within your control from here on in. In 5 years from now, if you throw all your energy in that direction, I'm sure you'll be in a situation that objectively you're very happy with, and hopefully this will be a distant memory 💐

@Winter2020 advice is wise but your husband doesn't have agency.

Accept they have made their choices and they their preference is to exchange with your SIL.

They made an agreement with you an backed out.

Accept it and back away from them.

This will likely blow up in their faces but that will be 100% on them.

FWIW I live in an urban area and know of several people whom have swapped with their children.

My husband mentioned it in terms of us helping out our eldest to buy an apartment.

It really isn't that unusual.

However they have changed their minds, moving forward make your own plans.