Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

They lived there for about 10 years previously but when DH and SIL were teens

I think they don’t realise how much times have changed

@SeverusGrapes
You invested in a home in an area that you love. You will probably reap the return on the money invested through appreciation in value of the home. You assisted your in-laws when they were ill. I imagine that they also assisted

you with your children as well.

It seems that you have not only given but received as well.

Your in-laws may be aging and FIL may have health problems, but they do not seem to be in anyway mentally incompetent. They are probably as aware as you of the pros and cons of the decisions that they are making.

Loving children would wish them well and hope that all turns out for the best. You will only be able to assist them from afar as much as you can, but they must be aware of that fact.

It is their life and their choice.

I guess we just have to let them do their thing.

we are stuck in an inconvenient house for another 18 months - 2 years but at least we can hope that prices won’t have gone up so much and we might be able to stay

I'd struggle to have a relationship with them after this. They promised you a house swap then fuck you off and do it with the SIL instead?

I would go low contact, leave them to it and plan to move soon as you can.

@SeverusGrapes
In an upmarket area, won't the value of your current home have appreciated?

Yes but things are going mad here price wise - starting to feel a bit out of our reach already. The money we make isn’t the only thing that factors in is it.

It’s really sad but if they really do go abroad, at least we will have no one to stay in a certain area for and can do what we think best.

I just worry about them over there.

what if one of them dies and the other is stuck abroad with no family?

what if they struggle to access healthcare?
what if they live well into their nineties and have no one to help them mobility wise

And they have a cat - we will probably be the bad guys for not taking it but I do NOT want it

I don't know about Italy but unless they are European citizens can they really move to Italy? They definitely couldn't move to France for example without doing A LOT of paperwork for residency.

It sounds as though there are a lot of issues at play on both sides

• from yours/DH's POV the broken promise without discussion, but also the understandable worry that they're being manipulated, and when things go tits up later on you/DH will be expected to sort it. Resentment/guilt/worry all in one complicated mix
• from your IL's POV, wanting to help one child (golden child?) at the expense of another, not wanting to face up to the fact that they've dumped you in it, and certainly not thinking about the long term ramifications of what they're doing

I would - if you didn't already at lunch - point out some of the worries you have that are not to do with your SIL essentially asset stripping her parents.

• what happens if you're ill over there, have you checked that you can get and afford private healthcare as you won't be covered by reciprocal health agreements any more
• will you still be eligible for OAP if you live in Italy
• what is your support system going to be locally - if one of you is seriously ill or dies
• how are you going to build friendships and a social circle out there?
• is the house you're moving to mortgage free? If not, how will it be funded? Is it suitable for people who may have mobility issues in 5-10-15 years?
• Are you aware that there are limited amounts you can gift without financial ramification and if you become ill or die within 7 years SIL will have to face tax liabilities

And I would be clear that you won't be rehoming the bloody cat!

I would also - if I were your DH - want to ask if they're gifting his sister a flat in London, is there similar provision made for him?

They haven't thought it through at all.

My nan and grandad moved to Spain, she got cancer had to move back to England for treatment and stay with us while my grandad travelled back and fourth.
Beat the cancer, cancer came back a year later. They had to move back as couldn't afford healthcare in Spain!

I would seriously question them how they expect to pay for healthcare/carers in Italy not to be nasty but it's not going to be cheap.

@SeverusGrapes

send you husband back for a further chat sometime later next week.

do some research first.

Either ask the straight forward questions or lean into it:

’how exciting, shall I help your plan? Where are you going to live? How are you going to fund your healthcare?
great that you’ll have to travel every 90 days so I guess we’ll see a lot of you!’

and then if they say ‘oh it’s all be fine’
say really ? Because I read something the other day that set out now U.K. nationals living in Europe have to etc etc…’

BUT what was the plan for SIL before? They seem a bit primary school playground about this.

before they we’re going to give everything to their son, now it s everything to the daughter? Similar ‘swap’ set up?

what was / is the plan in either scenario to make it fair for the other one?

if there WASNT a plan for SIL’s share in the earlier set up, it’s not surprising she’s trying to disrupt it.

whether you or they approve of her life choices is beside the point.

It seems that the OP and her husband will be forced, as are most of us, to live within their means. That can be disappointing, but for most people that is the reality of every day life. It is also not unusual for plans and circumstances to change. That too is a reality of every day life.

The in-laws are aging but nothing has been said to suggest that they are mentally incompetent. They are selling a house and relocating. Nothing suggests that all of the issues that OP has thought of have not occurred to them as well.

I suspect that OP's husband thinks that he has been the good and responsible child, and he probably has been. However, his parents resources should not be tied to his behavior or expectations. They should be free to do with their resources what they decide to do.

Once the parents relocate they may or may not need assistance from either of their children, but the resources from the sale of their home should not be the down payment for that assistance.

whether you or they approve of her life choices is beside the point.

I agree to a certain point but one example - they gifted her a few thousand pounds for renovations on her house in Italy so she could start a B&B - it all went up her nose instead.

I feel really sad to think they will be alone abroad in their old age, when they could be close to their grandchildren and have family that will happily care for them whatever they need (whether we stayed in the area or not)

I honestly don’t trust whatever happens with SIL to go well.

And it’s not about being “forced to live within our means”

I was prepared and happy to do that years ago but they wanted us to stay near if possible

@SeverusGrapes
None the less you have invested in a property that should have appreciated in value so how were you damaged? I don't see that you made any sacrifices on their behalf. I see that you gave assistance and likely received assistance.

Surely, they know as much about your SIL as you do , and yet they are comfortable in making this decision. Trust them to do what they think is best for them, and wish them well.

Op you are definitely not being unreasonable, must be very upsetting & incredibly disheartening.

100% agree, detach & let them get on with it

DH could suggest they take impartial advice from an independent advisor, A solicitor and a financial advisor. None of you are impartial, PIL’s SIL and yourselves are all too enmeshed. I think you personally take a step back and leave it to DH.
The financial and tax implications of this proposed move need careful consideration. But that is up to them.

Honestly - you make the best decisions for YOUR family unit now. That is exactly what the rest of dh family have done. Sounds like you have been extremely caring and accommodating and done things for others. Now draw up your plan for you and your dh. No healthcare in Italy? Not your problem to solve. One dies and the other left alone? Not your problem to solve. As you said - they have talked about this move between themselves without giving you the heads up so you need to assume they have thought about this.

Maybe they're afraid they won't live another two years and that if they do, the upheaval would be too much for them. People of that age don't take it for granted they've a long, bright, healthy future to look forward to. They might have felt more secure when the deal was made but FiL's illness has changed that.

Do they have EU citizenship?

It never surprises me money & death do funny things to family. Makes it worse that it is your in laws. I completely agree with you. BUT I guess unfortunately things change. Financial crisis is effecting everyone in one way shape or form. When things have been discussed over and over through the years it inconsiderate that they now decide to more or less do the same but with the SIL. SIL is sitting pretty IMO why would she not sell up and come over by herself?!? Unfortunately what ever happens with in laws likely you will still be looking after them and picking up the pieces…

Do they have Italian passports or another EU passport/nationality? Because if they don’t they can’t just go and live in Italy anymore. We’ve had family have to move back to UK as Brexit ended freedom of movement and free healthcare.

Reading your updates I am really worried about your IL's , are they sure the property is fit to live in ? have they visited it very recently ? I would want to check that SIL hasn't remortgaged, she gets a free flat and they could be evicted ?

Can they afford to pay for all their medical treatment in Italy ? Is the property suitable for someone who might become infirm, not be able to manage stairs for instance, does it have a lift or the opportunity for downstairs living if they become frail, so a bathroom/toilet downstairs ? Is it in the centre of a town, so near facilities or is it remote ?

SIL deffo gets the cat !