Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

The mortgage providers would both need to agree (you can’t just change who will be responsible for paying the mortgage and you can’t take out a mortgage on a house you do not own).

As a PP points out, OP’s outstanding mortgage is likely to be far bigger than the ILs’ mortgage despite the ILs’ house being much more expensive, given their respective ages. Sounds like a bit of a lose-lose for the ILs, although they shouldn’t have agreed to that arrangement in the first place (maybe they hadn’t really appreciated just how much it would cost them).

Fantasy from the start.

How can you move into someone else's house and then pay their mortgage and bills and let them have your house.

Would love to hear what the tax man and mortgage company had to say about this little arrangement.

I guess it’s possible that it was all going to be done unofficially (OP moving in and transferring mortgage money to ILs without actually changing any official records) but that sounds like a world of hell when it comes to inheritances as OP’s DH has a sister (not to mention if one of the ILs needs care).

Not such a strange agreement, I know a couple of families who've done similar.

To have spoken about the agreement as recently as a year ago and still see them go back on it without even discussing it is pretty low.

What is your DH's opinion on it? Has he talked about it with his parents?

You’re a fool and unreasonable. Sorry I think you make your own luck in life. Perspectives change. Start planning for yourselves now.

@SeverusGrapes
Is it possible that something is going on perhaps with the sister and they don't feel that it is their right or information to share .

If you have made improvements on a properly in a good upmarket area, you can probably sell the property at a profit. Perhaps they did not think that a swap was fair to the daughter in terms of how they planned to do asset distribution.

In reality , you have lived in a good area. You have property that has probably increased in value. You likely have had assistance with your children, and your children have had the opportunity to develop close bonds with their grandparents. You have really not been disadvantaged in any way.

It sounds like your ILs have had a change of heart following the health scare. 2 years doesn't seem long to you but if you've been very unwell in your 70s I could see why they might change their mind and decide 2yrs is too long to wait

Well it's a nice idea (for you, not so much for them) but it's not the sort of thing you can hold people to, is it? They have their own lives to lead and they need to move now. And they shouldn't voluntarily deprive themselves of assets which they may well need to pay for care in old age.

@SeverusGrapes i feel bad for you and think it's unfair. A word of warning though, my ex in laws did this type of swap with their other child and the resentment it caused between them was massive. The parents disliked their new place and made their children's life miserable. Maybe you had a lucky escape here.

I think the ill health has made them view their future differently.

You are entirely justified to feel aggrieved if they changed their plans without discussing them with you. But I still find it incredibly strange that a couple would be prepared to decide where in the country to live, where to work, and even to buy a house they don't like, because one set of parents put this forward as an idea.
Surely those enormous life choices are things you decide as adults.

If you don't like where you are and you don't like the house, then it seems very odd to have got work there and to made such a huge commitment as buying a house there.

Did you consult an accountant about this arrangement? I'm not in the UK, but where I live transfer of a property to a family member at less than market value has tax implications for either the giver or receiver.

Lots of parents release part of their children’s inheritance early.

I know three people who moved into the family home when the parents downsized. It’s not unheard of.

this couple however sucks. They should never have made a promise if they weren’t committed to keeping it

Lots of parents release part of their children’s inheritance early.

Of course but there are many different ways to do this, they may give the op some cash instead.

I think the in-laws were foolish to promise but health concerns & a cost of living crisis can change mindsets.

Can you move now? I’d really really want to. Dc can change schools.

What has your husband said about this?

How does your DH feel about all this?

I'd be absolutely raging and would struggle to maintain a positive relationship. They've watched you struggle to do the house up around family life and allowed you to turn down a move by insisting the plan will happen.

I'd be stepping back from them, I think.

Yep. They have brazenly hoodwinked you. I'd be livid and it would be a cold day before I facilitated any contact with the children. Or anything else.

What a nasty response, @SeverusGrapes

I think they should have let you know and given you the choice to try and buy it since there was a plan already in place. I know you are disappointed and I imagine they must have a need for the money.

But at least you have a newly renovated house in an expensive area that you can sell when the time is right for you.

Without a contract this was a pipe dream, no doubt made with good intentions when they were younger and fitter. However life has a way of getting in the way of good intentions.
You say FIL has been very unwell and they are in their late 70’s, illness coupled with age concentrates the mind and brings it home that we aren’t as fit or able as we once were and that we need to put plans into place to accommodate our own needs.
Two years is a long time to wait at their age. A big house is hard to keep on top of, stairs, garden, general housekeeping, heating all need taking into consideration.

So they manipulated you to their own ends, and when them keeping their end of the bargain started to loom on the horizon they backed out at high speed and left you in a worse position than you would have been had they not manipulated you in the first place.

Nice people. Not.

Anyone who relies on a verbal agreement about property is likely to be disappointed.

There’s always so many posts like this with people saying’if x had happened we wouldn’t have done this’. Circumstances change, life changes things (unfortunately!) We will all promise things to our kids to help them/ keep them closer etc, then down the line health/money or sadly death can change things

But surely you talk about it?

You don't just put your house on the market without a word?