Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

I wondered if a sibling was in the picture…

look from my experience any conversation with your in laws now has to be driven by their son and not you. I can tell you from experience that DIL’s rarely get to trump a bio daughter in the family regardless if they are speaking common sense or not.

I will also put money that the conversations your SIL has had with her parents include sentences such as “don’t tell brother/SIL I said this….. “ because she would have built some incredibly tough walls to ring fence and protect her plan.

it’s up to her brother to try and talk sense to mum and dad. I suspect sadly it’s gone past that point though…

I know people who have successfully swapped houses with parents. Property size, location and layout were all factors.

I have also had family members who took early retirement and moved to a sunnier climate. After 20 (happy) years they returned to UK. In their 70s, with increasing health issues, they knew they couldn't afford to live overseas any more. Also, as they aged they wanted the comfort of being geographically closer to remaining family. I hope your in-laws have considered these issues

I have seen this type of house swap successfully within our family.
Just like everything in this world, it may work well for some, but not for others.

It’s also pretty sad they’re choosing to move away from their son and only grandchildren… and a kick in the teeth because you stayed in the area for them!

My first instinct was to feel really hurt in a “what have we done” sort of way

now trying to move forward without taking it personally and hopefully they will at least accept our help as far as making things watertight so SIL doesn’t ruin everything

I suppose if we do move further afield we could afford a house with space for them too if they need to come back! & then SIL will be sitting pretty with properties in Italy and UK while we take on the responsibility (again)

Do they have EU status? )You mentioned French/Irish psssports)
If so it seems to be easier for them to move to Italy than U.K. passport holders would. However according to Google they still have to fulfil certain criteria, 1) Have somewhere to live. 2) Take out health insurance 3) Prove they have enough money to support themselves.

They can apply for residential status but only after living in Italy for five years. This applies to anyone regardless of EU status or not.
Without EU status it’s harder since Brexit .

YABU.
I can't see what is in it for your in-laws tbh.

That will be your choice to make.

No one will be forcing you to do this.

If they want to hand over everything their daughter, then that is their choice, but no one is forcing you to provide them with a home if things go pear shaped.

Discuss this with your husband and what YOU are prepared to offer.
It is your home too.

Your husband needs to communicate clearly with his parents.

Personally I would 100% refuse to have any part in housing people whom have handed over their assets to another child.

Not a chance would I do this.

Actions and consequences.

Move forward and make decisions that are best solely for your family.

Do not be choosing a house solely with the intention of suiting people whom will have made themselves homeless.

I repeat your husband needs to wake up and step up snd you need to be firm too.

I recommend you RTFT

.

I have.
I understand you are upset but from what you have written, it didn't look like a good deal for them - financially.
Also considering that they have 'made' some money from selling their home.

Ok @Itisadifficulttime fine

Just seemed like a reply to the first post and was unclear.

But i do get why you are upset.
And worried about them.

it's been your dream , life changes, mortgages rates have gone up , house prices have risen , so has profits , and there pensioners maybes this health scare makes them want to embrace life with both hands , they are elderly , they've worked hard there whole life , for what ? to give you a lift on the property ladder ? I don't think they should of said it in the first place ,but , get on with it put up and shut up , your kids will adjust to a move , you've made a profit and at the end of the day there's still a SL that's entitled to an inheritance as well. I'd like to know what DH is saying about all of this as well , there old let them have what time they have left together and happy stop being selfish and put yourself in there shoes at the end of the day , you really want them old unhappy and struggling they've got there reasons for doing this respect there decision .

Honestly if :
working hard to provide for a family in the long run,
supporting ILs while they are unwell, worrying about them when they seem to be making sudden decisions,
worrying about how they will access healthcare abroad,
Want them to be well,
wanting to be around for them if they need, trying to stay around the area to be near them,
considering their bloody cat,
not wanting SIL to manipulate them like she has before,
not wanting to see my DH heartbroken worrying about his parents,
wanting my kids to see their grandparents while they can…

Makes me selfish

yeah I’m fucking selfish

I’m not going to get in their way but I’m allowed to be sad when the whole thing could spur easily, and it affects plans we had been working really hard towards fulfilling.

@geordie12 I never ever said I want them old and unhappy or struggling on my behalf. What a nasty thing to suggest.

I was confused and disappointed
and then concerned about their welfare

at this point I feel like it’s a shame things won’t go as planned but that’s not the biggest thing at play here

I wonder if there is a way that everyone could get what they need - you move into PIL's house - sell your house, buy an apartment for SIL and PIL's move into SIL's place in Italy. That way, the big house stays in the family, SIL gets her apartment and your PIL's get what they need. You might need to see where all of the money lands.. if PIL's need cash from sale that is not covered by the proceeds of your house and then work out how to square that between you.

But it does sound like your PIL's are set on their current plan and didn't want to discuss options with you and your husband.

This.

If they're late 70s and your FIL was quite unwell by the sounds of it, surely it's a case that with the best will in the world, health has unexpectedly deteriorated and the bigger house is just too much upkeep now / difficult for them to manage.

It does sound like a bonkers arrangement in any case though TBH, really not sure how that would work when there are mortgages involved, you can't just transfer that necessarily, and also seems unwise on their part to deprive themselves of assets they may very well need to help fund care, not to mention unfair on your SIL.

Be careful though op, at this point with everything that’s happened, ANYTHING you or DH suggest or say to them could be misconstrued (at best) or completely twisted (at worst) especially by SIL and it will just seem like sour grapes on you part, rather then you looking out for their best interests.

rather then some of the suggestions on here to talk them out of it by highlighting the potential problems, it may be a good time to say we’re disappointed things didn’t work out, but we love you and want you to be happy, so we think you should do what you think is right, and keep them at arms length a little so you don’t get drawn in to any drama with SIL.

you may even find that this ‘deal’ with SIL doesn’t even get off the ground tbf.

It sounds as if your ILs have been doing the math & realised they could downsize to a property of their choosing rather than yours AND free up a large sum of money over the sale of their house, giving them more financial security & freedom in their old age. That’s fair enough however they don’t appear to fully understand the predicament they have left you in as a result of this sudden decision, bailing out on the agreement so suddenly, which is a shame.

You said in your initial post you all ‘had a discussion’ About plan, but didn’t specify who initiated idea, so I wonder if they felt pressured to agree to plan? Or was it their idea? Either way they’ve decided they want to move regardless of your situation, and they probably think (rightly or wrongly) you will be earning enough in a couple of years to live where you want. Try not to be bitter about it, I’m sure no malice was intended on their part, wish them well with their house move & chalk this up to experience, and count your blessings, at least you have a home of your own now & can still look forward to moving in a few years time - perhaps nice than your in-laws house 😄