Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

I wonder if they started out with the main hope of staying near you but generally decent intentions but recent illness has made them reprioritise and hey stuck their heads in the sand re telling you. Perhaps something like the new buyers made too good an offer to refuse (if it's a really sought after area people may drop letters round speculatively).

I understand how you feel. What a kick in the teeth especially after you had the opportunity to move last year and they could have reconsidered. I'm on a path too where you're pretty stuck geographically.

2 things moving forwards as it sounds like fait accomplis. Well, 3:

1. What is your best option now? Move locally but cheaper, see if your university can reopen the option to move citing a change in family circumstances/ financial difficulties? Whatever your best option is, go with that. The family have burnt a lot of goodwill here by not being transparent with you so feel no guilt about that.

2. At their ages with recent poor health, don't feel guilty or anything but I would just have this out with them in person. You had an agreement. Ok, it may have been verbal but it was clear. They reneged without warning, leaving you stuck. What's that all about? I wouldn't let this fester. Yes it's a huge pain in the arse and something has gone wrong and not entirely honest but you made this decision thinking you'd do quite well out of it too. Don't let money and property etc potentially estrange you from them when they're getting on and not in great health without at least asking their side. If they had a scare and made a rash decision that will be a lot easier to come back from than if they were manipulative in the first place.

3. Work through the anger without going in on each other as a couple- maybe with counselling if needed. I could be wrong but this may have the potential to turn into 'your parents are bullshitters' 'we're only stuck because of your training'. Not worth it.

NannyOgg Sorry I missed that, yes, odd!!

I agree with you.

Common sense would tell people this, if they stopped to think through all that could change or go wrong.

We talked of buying a bigger house with an annex - for my parents. When we all stopped to think, it was too big commitment. What if we wanted to move away, change our jobs, travel - we’d be letting them down. What if one of us or them were ill and couldn't work and we couldn't afford to stay. Like the OP, far too entwined.

you have to count your blessings here. What else can you do and who knows it might come back to you when they leave this earth. Also try not to deny your kids a relationship with them, as it’s not their fault.. You have a home, many don’t or are very insecure in their homes. It’s annoying and I’m sorry you are disappointed but there’s worse off out there.. I’ve a lovely house overlooking a forest in another country but there’s no work for my highly qualified partner there and we too have bashed every corner of space out of this one.. you’re not alone in that..

they are late 70s but have been

FIL was very unwell last year but told us as soon as he knew he would need treatment and we supported them a lot with running him to the hospital, helping care for him etc. I would like to think they would tell us if something else was going on.

This is the key OP. It’s all very well having that agreement but they’re late 70s, FIL got very ill and they realised they have to move now before it’s too late.

Moving is a big deal when people are that age, even if their health is reasonable it’s very stressful. They realised they have to move now while they still can. It’s a shame they couldn’t keep to the deal but it happens to a lot of elderly people.

My parents left it too late to move and it practically killed them.

So I think you need to be more understanding of the reason why they’re reneging - it’s not for spurious reasons.

Where are they going to? A residential home or another house close by, or far away?

YANBU. I'd be hurt by that, too. If things have changed for them, they should at least acknowledge that and apologise for changing the 'deal' they'd arranged with you. I think that makes it worse, that they've just high-handedly said 'this is what's happening now' without so much as an explanation of why they've changed their minds.

I'd stop prioritising them, tbh. If it's better for your family to move, I'd do that now, and I'd never trust them to keep their word on anything of significance. I'd keep things civil, but I'd be matter-of-fact that you're now doing what's best for your family without regard for anyone else, just as they have decided to do.

Do you think they should be held to it? And what about the OP and her dh? Should they be forced to go through with it if their situation changed or opportunities elsewhere presented themselves?

@SeverusGrapes

so what is their plan now? They downsize and still live near you?

i agree with a PP that you need to have a cards on the table discussion.

consider a bit what you are likely to do assuming they go ahead and then as a PP suggested

• ask them what has meant they have gone back on the plan
• ask them what they hope will happen now
• tell them what you plan to do. So eg ‘we need and want more space and as you know we can’t afford it here without this plan so we now plan to move to X town by 202Y’
• do they realise by doing this you may no longer love close to them? If that’s the case, I’d tell them clearly but neutrally.

my last take is - why didn’t they swap with you sooner?

its A long way off but I could imagine doing this for my kids. I know someone in London who did this. They lived in the lower ground floor of MILs house.

when they seriously started planning to move for more space (once they had a baby) they did a swap and now they have the house and she loves in the flat below.

if I was doing this I wouldn’t keep my big house while my adult kids struggled in a small house. I’d swap as soon as worked for them and do up my new place as I wanted

This might be the reason for their actions.

I wouldn't keep my big house whilst my adult kids struggled in a small house

Really @Fernsfernsferns ? So you'd do what exactly? Gift one of your kids your big house and give the others nothing? Or do you have multiple big houses to gift?

But how much money did they make selling over swapping with you and dh?

I think your in-laws are entitled to make decisions about where they live. I get that you thought you had arrangement that suited you, and now you don't. I also get that they could have done it in a better way. But, end of day, they have their own lives to live.

There may be details about your father-in-law's health condition you don't know. They were probably much more distressed about it than you saw, and they've decided to make their lives easier. Now. While they can. Maybe they didn't have a conversation with you because they didn't want to deal with your feelings of disappointment with everything else.

I get that you are disappointed, but I would cut them some slack.

I would move. You need to be in a place you can afford that's big enough, so nice away like you wanted to. You don't have to stick to your side of the deal now either.

I don’t know at this point. My kids are still young so it’s a long way off.

of it were possible though, I’d be on for swapping with one of them (only have two) and then moving around the equity so the other got a similar amount.

eg say the house is worth £600k and we’ve paid off the mortgage.

give to dc 1 who takes £400k mortgage and £200k equity gift.

take the £400k they effectively buy our house for give £200k to DC2, keep £200k to buy our own downsized place.

more complicated of DC getting the house already own somewhere but my aim would be that each child gets an equal gift of equity.

would only do it if there were enough equity in total to also cover a suitable last home for me / us too.

Are they now struggling with COL/mortgage etc? Especially as your FIL – actually, both of them – are in poor health, almost 80 and in the last decade of their lives frankly. They could've decided they just don't want to live struggling like that anymore just for your sake till they soon die, but even without this factor COL has changed for everyone.

My relatively well-off parents made some generous promises which they very happily followed through on without a second thought for the last 5-10 years. But over the last 2-3 years I can see some strain and resentment starting with Covid, COL crisis, their investments / stocks going down the drain, etc. I did make some life decisions banking on this continued generosity, but I think I do have to give them an out especially given their age. I don't want to squeeze them till their deathbed.

Again yours will statistically probably die in less than 10 years so I say let them live their lives without having to worry about financially supporting you, or living a certain lifestyle for your sake based on a well-intentioned promise made when circumstances were so different.

I think it’s a huge and generous offer and if they back out they really need to fall in their sword.

they offered their child a big financial step up - if they withdraw the offer they should understand the consequences.

they can’t be legally held to it - but morally it sounds like Financial control. Dangling a big windfall infront of them then snatching it back.

yes people on mumsnet get very worked up abou inheritance and gifts from parents - but lots of people do get these advantages and lots of parents use inheritance and financial gifts to control their children

I can understand why you might feel aggrieved but they have a right to change their mind and family is not just a business transaction.

Facing mortality might have made them shift their plans somewhat. You’ll still inherit one day I assume, and you’ll have benefitted in that time from higher equity than if you’d lived somewhere else. So it’s not all doom and gloom.

There doesn’t sound like a lot of empathy or curiosity on your post. Just bitterness and grabbiness. Perhaps they’ve picked up
on this, in which case I don’t blame them for making the most of the time they have left on their own terms, not yours.

@Bellyblueboy If your family ties are more about money etc, or if you would literally be left homeless or unable to support your kids, then I understand it's not acceptable. But of it's just about optimising your life, in a healthy family, I think mutual benefit and transactions are always shifting and under negotiation. If OP's life underwent some huge change (eg ill health, finances taking a hit), I'm sure they would be understanding too and not hold her and her spouse to it.

What I find interesting is that, as PP said above, there doesn't seem to be much care or thought for why they arrived at the decision they did. It's odd that their possible motivations aren't even addressed in any of the posts. It's all about the impact it has on OP, but not a single mark of concern or attempt at understanding.

Just as a guess, COL and impending death changes things for everyone. For my parents, as stated above, I know they made the initial promise out of love, and I also release them from it out of love as I really don't want to force 2 people into struggling (however much) in a sub-optimal life till their deathbeds. It does mean my family won't have the optimally planned lifestyle and picture perfect opportunities we envisioned, but I also don't want to break someone else's back to obtain that. And I have many more decades ahead of me than they do.

We can all have different view points.

I have seen and read about lots of parents offering big financial rewards of children stay close, turn down opportunities etc.

this has particularly happened to women - stay home take care of us and the house will be yours. But of course it isn’t.

just becoase parents love their children doesn’t mean they don’t make bad choices. This offered shouldn’t have been made in the first place - or fielded as a possibility rather than a certainty.

money often equals control. I. This case the parents were able to control where the adult children lived - close to them.

i also don’t like the little dog about my family ties being about money. Not nice if meant to me personally. I am Just pointing out the reality of how some people use money as control. And sadly that is a reality that any family therapist will explain.

As many pointed out it’s quite unclear what you agreed about, what stage you were at ding the house etc, how did they explain you the sake and what did you answer to them. And without it it’s difficult to say if they were unreasonable or not, maybe you were because you were unrealistic and only thinking about yourself.
Was it that they manipulated you deliberately to have GC near by ? Or was it that you were pushing them into the move without considering if it’s good for them ?
it could be both ways.

This.

Plus what everyone said about the logistics. Also, whose idea was this and what exactly was agreed?

They just said that so you, DH, and the kids would not move out of the area.

This.
Plus it was doomed to fail - you can't just swap mortgaged houses.

The best I can think of is that they wanted you close, and then figured you'd realize that you couldn't just swap, but you'd have done the work to make your house somewhere that you like and you'd have memories there and have them close, and they thought it'd work out. They may well not have known that you were doing the work and holding on in a house you don't love, so you could move into theirs. Although if they do know that, it was probably quite offputting to hear about a home they'd be swapping into...

Are they moving away, or downsizing into a different house in your area?

Sly fuckers. I hope your feelings towards them now bite them on the arse... They wouldn't be considered family to me now.

They might not have behaved brilliantly but my advice would be not to fall out with them over this OP.