Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

Did you ask them about your agreement?

Of course you can. If you owe a mortgage, that needs settling, SDLT applies if there is a debt, but otherwise not on a gift. It would also impact any IHT calculation.

Anyone can gift any amount they wish at any time! … there can be repercussions to tax if you die

@Applesaarenttheonlyfruit that was my point though. You can’t just wake up & swap them one day, you need to sort out a number of financial things first. The OP didn’t imply any of this had been done or discussed but I may have missed an update.

Of course you can. There may be hurdles, but how do you think people move house when they have mortgages? It’s not a ‘we just swap’ situation, but it is perfectly doable and I know 2 families that have done just as described.

How much were they planning to give you? I.e. How much more is their house worth over and above the increase to yours? Is there a chance that they didn't understand you were expecting the house at a discount? Or that they plan to give you the excess now? Out of interest, if you're so set on that house then why didn't you buy it when they put it on the market?

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market

Presumably you have said to them, ‘but what about the plan we had made for us to swap houses?!’ ?

What did they reply?

And a pp mentioned stamp duty

I read that there had been agreement on borrowing - when OP had a better paid position in 2025. The IL’s won’t have a mortgage as they are late 70’s (or very very unlikely). Effectively it’s a downsize with a new mortgage raising funds for the IL’s to downsize. It’s a swap, but only in that they agreed the future transaction with OP.

There may be hurdles, but how do you think people move house when they have mortgages? It’s not a ‘we just swap’ situation,

But the OP situation is a just swap one. How on earth is it the same thing as moving house?

I read that there had been agreement on borrowing - when OP had a better paid position in 2025. The IL’s won’t have a mortgage as they are late 70’s (or very very unlikely). Effectively it’s a downsize with a new mortgage raising funds for the IL’s to downsize. It’s a swap, but only in that they agreed the future transaction with OP.

Which is why I said it was a pipe dream in my first post. The OP doesn’t yet have the better paid job & the in-laws still have a mortgage….

People move houses when they have a mortgage by selling, redeeming or porting a mortgage and buying. If that is people buying each other houses then on the face of it it’s a swap, but the “hurdle” as you describe it is that you have to sell / agree to buy each others properties and mortgage / remortgage accordingly. So it’s not just a simple swap. If neither party had a mortgage then they could just agree to swap and register the change of ownership at the land registry, but for as long as a bank or banks are involved it’s a sale not a swap!

Legally there are cases where this sort id thing had been promised and the other side acted to their detriment by relying on it and it would be unfair (uncounsionable) to not do it.
Promissory estoppel, and is often found in farming cases where someone had worked the land for years with promise that one day it will be theirs.

Your case doesn't really go that far but it's good to know about it.

The fact the parents didn't even discuss with their son or offer the house first (say market value less sale's fees) would see a serious rift from son to parents normally.

OK your vocabulary is more accurate, but it's effecting a swap, but yes of course it's a sale - the OP mentions a mortgage!

The OP refers to it as a swap, this is semantics as long everyone got what they wanted, but they haven't regardless.

I’m always suspicious when the op stops answering questions, especially ones which may reveal the motivation behind why the PIL have done what they have done, I don’t accept for one minute that the PIL have given no reason for it and the OP and husband haven’t even asked them to elaborate.. what a load of nonsense!

I suspect this may have something to do with it:

So we have taken on a lot of extra costs (in small amounts as we go along) in work that needed doing to this house.

Maybe at the point of the ‘house swap’, PIL house would have been mortgage free and the OPs family would have made good headway into their mortgage to release equity to pay PIL the difference, but it sounds like OPs family have got deeper in debt, if they were supposed to pay the difference to PIL but can’t now because they’ve maxed out on their borrowing.. then it could be the OPs family that’s ruined the plan.. if PIL were relying on a payment of some kind but now they know they’re not going to get it they’ve got no choice but to sell their own house to release funds if they need money, it sounds to me like they need the money for something, treatment maybe?

if that’s anywhere close to the truth then I’m not surprised they want to bail, but it would all have been talked about I’m sure.

there's always two sides to a story that’s for sure.

I think it's likely a cost of living issue. People usually downsize to free up money. Perhaps give some to the kids but keep some to enjoy their retirement.

If the inlaws are hard up (and having a mortgage at 70 odd suggests they might be ) then they might have realised if they gift their equity to their child and family they will always be hard up. By selling they get the downsize and a lump of cash.

There must be an equity gift involved otherwise if OPs family were paying market price they would just buy another house.

I would try not to be too hard on them OP. No-one would havd predicted the squeeze on living standard and inflation which I believe is the biggest squeeze since WW2. Add to that health issues. They felt they needed to look after their own interests.

They might gift you and your family some money and at least can offer the same to sister in law now.

I think you still have a lot to be grateful for OP (home/family/job prospects...) and no doubt one day your family will inherit from your inlaws (notwithstanding care costs). It would be quite too faced to be very bitter about them and then spend their money when they are gone.

Well, it's her husbands parents. Her kids grandparents. Of course she would believe them, its a sad day when you can't believed that your own family would do something nice for you.

It also doesn't sound like an out and out gift. It was when they could afford the mortgage on the bigger house.

it's really shitty that they lied, OP, I'd be really pissed off.

But, as the plan always was for you to be borrowing more on the mortgage for the bigger house, just stick to that plan but with a different house.

Sounds like you've improved your current house so should be in a good position.

From her second paragraph I think op means the mortgage on ops house would be cleared and all bill paid when pils moved in. I doubt pils have a mortgage at their ages, even when they were a few years younger it would have been difficult to get one., a pension isn’t classed as waged income.

I don’t read ‘paying the mortgage and all bills’ to mean the mortgage is cleared to be fair, I think she means they will pay the mortgage payments every month on it.. which means PIL are swapping to a house with a mortgage on it.. if OP doesn’t or can’t pay it, then the house could be repossessed, leaving PIL in a difficult decision because all THEIR money Is tied up in a house that their child and grandchildren live it.

there's too many risks, Maybe it started sounding great, but the PIL have now realised how precarious it is, especially for them.

@sandyhappypeople I think you’re probably right.
As the saying goes “the roads to Hell are paved with good intentions”.

I did mean this! We worked out financials and they would be mortgage free in our house… I mean it would be much cheaper in regards to bills.

We’ve been for lunch with them and had a good chat today. Now I am just worried about them more than anything.

they are using proceeds to buy a flat for SIL who has decided to move back to the UK and are planning to relocate to hers in Italy to live their last years in the sun.

she has a history of being very manipulative, using money given to her for drugs etc. I think she has persuaded them this is a good idea and none of them have thought about if they need healthcare, help at home or anything like that.

they didn’t say anything because they knew we would be upset about our house and because they knew we wouldn’t approve

i don’t blame them for wanting to go abroad but worry they are not thinking it through

Sil has played the Pick Me Card and they have played her game imo.

Also call me grabby and selfish all you like (those of you that have) I was prepared for that. I know I’m not.

despite whether we had this agreement I would have been there for them regardless when FIL was ill and I was. We dropped everything. We made so many sacrifices to be near them and to try and stay in the area we love, so I was upset because it looks like it won’t happen despite these sacrifices.

I know people can get funny with regards to talking about money but I was just trying to be factual.

What makes it more disappointing is SIL has form fir sort of thing and I thought this agreement would get in the way of her interfering.

DH is heartbroken

I’m not surprised your concerned. How good is their Italian? I have lived in Italy and still run a small business there. Unless they have lived there long term I doubt they will have the remotest idea what is involved in running a house there. The bureaucracy and corruption is insane.

Most elderly expats I know come back to the U.K. for medical treatment, because while the Italian doctors are good, fast medical Italian in a regional dialect is challenging even for fluent speakers.

My parents sold their property in Italy at the age your parents are now when the challenges of living there became too much.

And this was before Brexit when they had freedom to come and go as they pleased. Don’t forget the 90 day rule.

I think your DH needs to talk sense into them.