Have my ILs let us down or AIBU

[SeverusGrapes]

We live in an expensive area, DH and I grew up here but it’s become one of those places that has grown a lot, with many people from here moving away because they can no longer afford it.

a few years ago when I was starting a qualification we had a discussion with my ILs… so we could stay near them in the area we bought a specific house, the idea being when we could afford a bigger mortgage we would swap houses with them. They also bought a specific house close to us and close to our children’s school.

If we did not have this agreement we would likely have not stayed in the area (I could transfer my studies at a certain point) and we definitely would NOT have bought this house. We didn’t have loads of choice on our budget anyway but we have had to do so much work to this one and it’s been a pain in the arse with small children while doing it.

they have decided they can’t wait another two years to downsize, and have put their house on the market. They’ve just accepted an offer over the asking price from a family moving from London.

I get that it’s their house and they can do what they want but it just stings. I feel really sad that we are now stuck in this house or will likely have to move away anyway… which if we’d have known we would have done before the children were established in a school.

I just feel let down

Why is it so difficult to think OP would believe this? Plenty of parents out there who'd help their grown up children this way.
I also would assume people mean what they say/promise/agree.

By swapping houses or giving their house to their dc whilst still alive? I don’t think many do that tbh. It’s one thing to imagine it but in reality it’s another thing.

Legally can you even just swap houses?

I’m still trying to work out exactly what you had agreed with them.

Do they still have a mortgage on their bigger house? But are in their late 70s.

It’s shit of them to reneg on you but perhaps they have to. You will have increased the value of your house. You can move away in a couple of years. The kids will cope with moving.

Yes but I think you have to pay stamp duty on the market value as if you had sold it.

Well they shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place then

@NalafromtheLionKing & what about any outstanding mortgages?

I have been in a similar situation and it really hurts. Not least because it would have been a massive favour so it feels petulant to complain, even if you have organised your life and plans around someone else's apparent whims.

Well I’d struggle to have much of a relationship going forward.
Also jokes on them as their family and grandchildren who would be there looking after them in their old age will now be moving away to a larger house in a few years leaving them with no one locally

Whatever is going on, I suspect they were hoping you would care for them in old age. Has something happened to make them doubt that? Or has a better offer come up? Or maybe they are now not expecting to need care in the foreseeable future and are hoping to spend the money or gift some to Sil.

Perhaps they are planning to give you some equity from the sale?

House swapping seems to be a bit of a bizarre arrangement tbh, but I’d be very peeved and hurt by what they did.

They made an agreement and you made choices based on that, so I’m not sure they’d be seeing too much of me going forward (unless they have a very compelling reason for this backtrack!)

They should never have agreed to this plan if they weren't 100% sure they would see it through. You and your family have made too many big decisions based on what they agreed, the negative knock on effects for you are huge. If they weren't prepared to "swap" it shouldn't have gone this far.

YADNBU.

What is your husband saying about all of this?

I understand where you're coming from because my MIL has form for very similar although it never went as far down the line, as there were earlier signs she wouldn't deliver on her promises.

You are entirely justified to feel aggrieved if they changed their plans without discussing them with you. I had a similar thing happen to me with my in-laws. It taught me that despite what you may hope , you can't really rely on people. whoever they are and whatever they promise. That said, I would never behave in that way to my own daughters. You have wasted time and energy and have compromised your own career and lifestyle choices in doing so. If they have not discussed their reasoning for doing what they have done in detail, I would be giving them the cold shoulder from now on.

Sounds like they realised you were trying to take advantage of them to get a bigger house for free...

Sounds like they realised you were trying to take advantage of them to get a bigger house for free...

@missmollygreen the above makes no sense? What do you think the in-laws were agreeing to swap?! 😆

For me the only thing that's slightly unreasonable is not letting you know ahead of putting their house on the market and their reasons for backing out of the house swap. It sounds a bit like blue sky thinking to imagine it would come off as originally planned. You could have needed to move for a number of reasons they have found themself in the position of needing to move.
Poor communication is the only thing at fault but it's a minor one

My ils did similar- offered to sell their house us at s discounted price if we rented from them for a year ( they were travelling in Canada and needed tenants but didn’t want to get into the private rental thing) so basically our rent paid their mortgage.
They came back and decided they could get more than they’d thought for the house and sold it to someone else (we couldn’t afford it without the discount they’d promised) and worse still, they lied about it. We had also spent a lot of time and money doing up the house as we believed it would be ours. They weren’t able to sell it to us straightaway as it was an ex council house.
We didn’t really speak again and that was 18 years ago. The relationship was really damaged

The whole thing sounds like a pipe dream…. If they weren’t selling it to you, but you just moved in and paid the bills - mortgage (and presumably they would do the same in your house?) then I can see any bank being particular happy about that, assuming you told them. It had the potential to lead to a whole world of pain with IHT and CGT, never mind want would have happened if they needed to sell it to fund care. There’s also the small matter of stamp duty avoidance somewhere along the way. So I’m not surprised they’ve seen sense and downsized in a more conventional way!

Could they be planning on helping you out with the proceeds of the sale?

You can’t just chose to swap houses when both are mortgaged, as seems to be the case here. So the idea was doomed from the start!

That would be the end of my relationship with them. Awful stunt to pull on you, they clearly just said it to keep you close with no intention of sticking to the agreement. You haven’t answered anyone who has asked what you’ve actually said to them though. Surely you have said something along the lines of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? You can’t trust them and where does that leave you? I wouldn’t see or speak to them again.

I know two families who have swapped houses to give their children the bigger one. I don’t know all the financial details but it can be done. They shouldn’t have offered it if they weren’t going to go through with it. However, by accepting this exchange enabling you to stay in the area close to your in-laws, I think you would have been signing up to look after them in their old age (rather than the sister who lives abroad).

@SeverusGrapes I would move to somewhere less expensive where you can get a house that meets your family’s needs, in the catchment of a good school. I’m sure your children will soon settle in. We moved from the South of England to the North of Scotland on my 14th birthday, my sister was 11 and we were fine. Then you can feel relief that your in-laws have freed up money to pay for transport and care when you are unable to help.

You can just swap house and live in other one whilst paying mortgage on the first.

Just not pay rent etc.

So legally it could have worked that way.

Therefore still inheritance for husband and his sister.

I usually hold back when it comes to family affairs, especially those involving older parents, as I don’t like families falling out or there being resentment but I have to say I’d be very upset. It seems like they didn’t want their child to move away so I would think they are very selfish, putting this before the fact that you could have bought a nicer house for cheaper years ago. I’m upset for you, OP. But mind you, I’d have thought it sounded too good to be true/bound to have loopholes somewhere. I would personally find it much easier to buy further away if a dream house came up after this.

theres a lot to this that doesn’t seem to make sense, could you clarify op?

you say you could get a bigger mortgage when you move (to their property) in 2025, so were you supposed to be paying the difference to them between your house value and their’s? As later you say you’d just be paying the mortgage on their’s, but surely at late 70s the existing mortgage would be minimal if they have one at all?

where are they going? Are they staying in the area in a different house?

what is there reasoning when you’ve asked them why the plans have changed? I’m assuming you have had that conversation? If not, why not?