BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

Wtf. He’s an arsehole

tell him to pack HIS bags

Christ. He sounds awful.

You did nothing wrong. He was aggressive and you had no way of knowing if he was going to take his aggression out on you.

Not good.
He knows what he's doing.
Suggest couple therapy

Don't do DIY with him again.

He is abusive, he knows he was wrong but is blaming you and demanding an apology because you reacted in a very normal way to his unjustifiable anger.

HE needs to leave not you.

Never mind couples therapy. Get the hell out of dodge. He's aggressive and controlling. This won't get better.

Ditch him. This will not get better.

I think he'd just manipulate OP through 'couples therapy' and use it to put her down further.

I’ve said less than ten times on here to leave someone in tears of being on here, genuinely feel when your poor heart is in your mouth trying not to make an angry person angry, you’re going to lose yourself completely eventually. He’s completely in the wrong here. I’d be very careful with this guy, he’s a walking red flag to me.

He sounds abusive. He seems incapable of viewing it from your side. He seems incapable of taking ownership of his own behaviour and emotions.

He has made you question and doubt yourself over a situation which was very clearly his fault. What else do you question yourself about or just trust his judgement on that is unfair to you?

Honestly. Get a solicitor get an occupation order sell the house and LTB.

he’s abusive. I’d flinch in that situation he was being aggressive and angry.

You are afraid of him. That’s a huge red flag.
He now also knows you are afraid of him. Another huge red flag.
His behaviour will only get worse.

Any decent man would be mortified that their anger issues frightened their partner and would be going out of their way to apologise and sort himself out.

Only a closet abusive prick would try and turn that around onto their partner.

You deserve better. Much better.

He should be mortified that he scared you not sulking and waiting for you to apologise!

I'd be re evaluating the relationship.

Don't do anything with him again

This is very very unhealthy OP. You're scared by his anger and don't trust he won't hurt you. (Your instincts know this even if you'd rather deny it)

He is diverting attention from his bad behaviour by manufacturing a reason why you're to blame, and is manipulating you into pretending he did nothing wrong/you weren't scared on threat of having to leave your home. You are falling over yourself to appease and reassure him because he holds all the power.
This is all sorts of wrong OP.

Did you have to help him out if interest. If you’d have left him alone what would have happened?

What an arsehole. Get rid x

He sounds like a grade A bellend to me

People get frustrated when things don't go right but there's no need for that sort of stroppiness

I cannot stress just how much you are not in the wrong! Flinching is an involuntary action and he was acting aggressively. The only apology here should be from him! Even then I'm not sure you should accept it even if he did!

Abuse is not about whether someone hits you. It can be a part of it, yes. But there are many forms of abuse. He was being abusive and is now giving you the silent treatment to punish you. That's also abusive.

I agree that the person who should be leaving is him.

You owe him an apology because you should have know how aggressive he gets? And if you don’t apologise and get over it, you’ll need to leave the house that you own half of? Fuck me, if that’s not your cue to leave him, I don’t know what is.

I think you need to start preparing yourself for the fact that if you stay with this man, you will be in for a very difficult and unhappy life. And it will only get worse. Please don’t do that to yourself.

what @5128gap said.

Ya boy is fucking with your head. If someone flinches, they don’t need to apologise to the person throwing their weight about, it should be the one causing the flinching who takes a long look at themselves. Be very very careful with this guy, and by be careful I mean get yourself sorted for an exit.

Thank you for replying. I sold my property to buy with him, he didn’t have property when we met. I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me. He has never hit me. But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.
I’ve never logged anything with police or a support agency as it isn’t physical.

If you stay, he will start getting angrier and angrier until you are trying to avoid him getting angry 24/7. This is no way to live and it will get worse. Please have a read of 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft, available for free as a pdf online. Bottom line, he is abusive, yanbu and I think you need to leave.

Couples' therapy is not safe where there is abusive behaviour. Any decent therapist will advise that.