BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

It doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. Call the national domestic abuse helpline or look at their website for more info about your rights and the support you're entitled too. You do not owe him an apology, quite the opposite.

Op, you were right in your first instinct that he should have come back into the room and apologised to you. That would have been the appropriate thing for him to do in that situation.

What he did instead, telling you that it was your fault for flinching and feeling afraid when he was acting aggressively around you (throwing things near you and shouting at you is very aggressive behavior) is gaslighting. He's trying to make your reaction the problem so he doesn't need to take responsibility for his actions which were out of order.

By then shutting you down and threatening you that he'll kick you out of your home he's further emotionally abusing you and trying to assert power and dominance over you.

This man is abusive. He is abusing you. Throwing things in temper around you is assault and physical abuse even if he doesn't touch you with it. Gaslighting and controlling where you live and your security in your home is emotional abuse.

I cannot be clear enough when I say that you're right in your instincts and he is abusing you. Contact womens aid for help and support. You can also report him to the police for emotional abuse and coercive control. I'd seek legal advice as quickly as possible regarding your shared assets and ensure that you have your own bank account in your name with money he cannot access. Don't wait until he hits you, he's done enough for you to leave. You deserve so much better than that.

My dh has a bit of a hot head at times and things like flat pack furniture crack him up. He would never ever throw things, shout at me or do anything similar. If he made me flinch he'd be horrified and would apologise and amend his behaviour immediately. And no matter how bad the argument he would never ever threaten to make me homeless. Its not supposed to be like that and you deserve so much more. There are other men who will not act like this.

He is a grade A bully. The very cheek of asking you to apologise. Not normal.
OP, things aren’t going to get better in the long run, only worse. Try and make the decision to leave now before you get even more entwined and your future self will thank you for it.
Cut your losses.

I’d like some unbiased views
OK here's mine.
You are with an abusive man.
You are minimising and covering up for him.
Couples therapy is wrong for you.
The important thing is for you to leave him, safely, as soon as possible.
Staying will lead to your coming to harm.

He is deflecting his bad behaviour and making out you are the issue. Unfortunately this a classic sign of psychological abuse. You need to monitor this because before you know it he could have destroyed your ability to see things as they really are.

This is abuse.

He is abusing you.

You need to let some people you trust know, and make plans to get the hell away from him.

Be very, very careful - when abusive people feel like they're losing control, that's when they're at their most dangerous.

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split
You'll lose more if you don't.
Get legal and financial advice and retrieve what you can. If you lose money on the deal remember it's better than losing your life.

Couples therapy only works when both people in the couple are firstly willing to make it work and secondly have an equal power divide. Couples therapy is not appropriate in cases of domestic abuse as the person doing the abuse knows what they're doing and are doing it because they want control and the abuse meets their needs in the relationship. They know it is at the expense of the needs of the other person and they choose to do it anyway. Similarly people who suggest anger management for domestic abuse don't understand that domestic abusers do not lose control. Its the opposite they are actually highly controlled.

He's a cunt.

Flinching is an instinct. You can't help it. He chose to let his anger get the better of him.

So who should apologise?

He is gaslighting you for a start. Maybe have a research into what that is.

He doesn't have to hurt you physically to be abusive and you can still get help from places like women's aid.

Good luck x

Oh gosh. I shed a few tears at this. I've been there I'm afraid. Your subconscious is not only scared in that moment but its been primed by hundreds of over things that I'm sure has happened in your relationship that shows you he is dangerous.

My ex would hate if I flinched because he didn't want to admit his reactions were excessive and frightening. He could do one of two things, face up to the shame he felt about his actions and change his behaviour or he could take that shame and project it on to you. These types of men, never change because quite often they chose partners who will accept and carry that shame for you, oh I'm too sensitive, oh I know he doesn't mean it etc etc etc.

Soemone who cannot process their own shame without hurting their partner shouldn't be in a relationship. You deserve much better than this.

Men will hit/throw around you before they hit/throw at you.

I’ve always found bullies hate being threatened, maybe you know different.

Major red flag! He's is emotionally controlling. Dump him before this abuse escalates and ruins your life.

I agree with everything previous posters have said. I was in a relationship like this once, and my dad was like this. I didn’t realise it wasn’t normal until I met someone who wasn’t abusive.

One positive is is that you aren’t married. Also, check your joint property ownership. If you’re tenants in common, you will be OK.

He doesn’t seem to have any idea that experiencing anger by someone else is frightening. It doesn’t matter if it is directed at you or not it is frightening because that person is out of control. I grew up with it and I really couldn’t have a relationship with someone who couldn’t control their anger around me. I think you need to think very hard about your relationship because it is unlikely to change without some serious hard work on his part.

Sounds like you have a difficult situation on your hands.

My DH hates DIY and gets very stressed and wound up. He wants it to be perfect, and he measures carefully, uses all the right tools etc, but it always goes a bit wrong. And he gets so cross. Not with me, with himself.

I hate it and at times I have flinched or walked out the room. He got cross with me for my reaction.

But I have told him he is perfectly entitled to behave however he sees fit in the moment, but I am also equally entitled to react however I see fit in the moment. If he doesn't like my reaction then tough, change his behaviour.

Now, in most respects my DH is a reasonable and lovely man, it's mainly DIY that unleashes the demon, so it's easier to have this conversation with him because once the moment is passed he sees the error of his ways.

I don't think you are in the same situation unfortunately, and from your update I get the impression you feel a bit trapped? But I think you need to start standing your ground and stating that your feelings in various situations are just as valid as his. It sounds very one sided to be honest.

OP it feels like it’s hard to leave because he’s taken over your world.

As soon as you go you will feel instantly lighter.

If you stay it will get worse and worse.

Go and see a solicitor next week and get him out.

The PP’s point is you are missing the point.

He’s an abusive man, the only thing to do is leave.

You have a choice OP,stay and it will get worse,that is guaranteed.Or split up,he is an abusing bully.

I wouldn’t stay with a man like this.......For me it would be simple,I would finish the relationship,you are worth more than this.

Phone the police 101 and ask him to leave when they arrive

your home which you put everything into - you will get it all back

You would lose so much more if you stay than leave. You are frightened of him, he knows, and is trying to make you think it is your fault. It isn't. There is no hope for this relationship, save yourself.

If any of this rings true you are in an abusive relationship.

I am sorry but this is abusive and it is not your fault you were scared BY HIS ACTIONS which he is entirely responsible for not you. And he wants you to apologise?! Get out and don't look back.