BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse
Yes it is. Look it up on the government/Council websites, Women's Aid, Relate.

and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.
No. You would need to sell the house or buy him out (or he buys you out). Get a solicitor involved.

He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and it will only get worse. You've already flinched through fear. I agree with pp, he knows he is intimidating you.

I can't advise on the legal aspects of it but you are clearly with someone who is very abusive you have sold your house and you should not be the one that has to leave, please speak to women's aid who will be able to advise but clearly this relationship is not safe for you and someone like that will never change

Trust your (involuntary) instincts OP

And regarding the house: look up sunk costs fallacy

you're in an abusive relationship

Please contact women's aid and ask for help on ending your relationship safely

... yet.

Please contact Women's Aid or another support agency to help you to leave him safely.

His behaviour in your OP is him training you to accept his 'anger'. His anger is his excuse for abusing you but he's not really angry, he just wants you to be scared and unsure of him.

Do not tell him you know he is abusing you. Try and behave as you normally would, keep yourself as safe as you can with him until you can get help to end the relationship safely.

I don't say that lightly.

This is a joke right?

op google narcissistic personality disorder see if that rings any bells.

If not I diagnose cuntissitic behaviour disorder.

either way you should leave him to abuse his tools and make sure he can not abuse YOU any longer

He sounds like a complete prick. You were scared as you thought something was going to hurt you or had the capacity to possibly hurt you and it was something that he was doing.

For the long term you might want to reconsider who you live with.

He's abusing you. Either you live the rest of your life with things getting progressively worse, or you leave him. Please please please do the latter.

A flinch is an unconscious reflex, not a chosen action.
You didn't elect to flinch it happened. You don't apologise.

Anyone who is capable of self reflection knows this and wouldn't expect an apology. They'd realise they had triggered an involuntary reaction.
He's experiencing emotional discomfort from having to confront the fact that his behaviour caused you to flinch, it doesn't feel nice, so he wants to push that onto you.
He's formulated an argument and justification for how this is your fault, borne of his anger that he should be caused to feel bad in anyway - after all his behaviour is just part of who he is and can't be helped right?
This is likely a habit of a lifetime so he probably isn't even aware that's what he's doing.

It's shit, won't change and unless you like walking on eggshells and taking blame for your partner's flaws I'd look to exit the relationship.

You only realise how freeing it is to not live round an aggressive man’s emotional an and physical outbursts, when you no longer live with them.

Set yourself free again. This isn’t worth the money.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. Whatever you might lose in selling the house is not worth sacrificing your physical, mental and emotional health for. You are more important than your house.

(Having said that, still see a solicitor and make sure house get as much as you can)

You only realise how freeing it is to not live round an aggressive man’s emotional an and physical outbursts, when you no longer live with them.

This is so true @LividMush , the relief is palpable.

To summarise... He can't control his anger but you should control your flinches. Riiight.
We can add hypocrisy to his list of qualities then.

He sounds very abusive. A decent person would be mortified they caused you to flinch.

You need to leave him.

Never do couples therapy with an abuser

Also flinches can’t be controlled

Leave.

It should not be like this.

He’s abusive. Can you get out and sell the house? Did you ringfence your deposit?

You can't stay in a relationship because you think he will be horrible when you end it.

All of this. He’s a dangerous aggressive bully.

”I was trying to avoid him getting angry.” He has a problem with anger and you tiptoe around him.
“He said he has never hit me” Why did he feel the need to say that? My husband has never said “I’ve never hit you” because the thought has never entered his head. It’s obviously entered your BF’s head.
“I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.” He feels he has the right to be aggressive and it’s your responsibility to tolerate and absorb his anger.

Please be careful. He won’t get any better because he doesn’t think he needs to.

The worst thing you can lose is you. And you will, you’ll lose yourself, if there is any way you can untangle yourself from him and start over, no matter what you lose, as long as you never lose yourself or any children you could have in the future, you’ve still got the most important thing. You really don’t deserve to live your life like this, you’re worth so much more. X

Hes totally controlling you.

He has never hit me. But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.
It's abuse. Get out now while you still can.

My father was like this. It's horrendous. It's all about manipulation and plausible deniability.

It may not be physical abuse. Yet. But it will be in time. Your boyfriend is intimidating you to ‘keep you in your place’. When you no longer react to his emotional and verbal abuse, he will probably turn to physically assaulting you.

It is not normal to behave in this way if you love someone.

Abuse. Get out now while you can. Fast. Don't hesitate - this will only get worse. Seriously.

That you know he would abuse you if you ever tried to leave is all you need to know. He was being abusive and you genuinely thought it was turning physical, you held up a mirror to his abuse when you flinched and he didn't like that and is punishing you further.

You do need to try and get your ducks in a row and leave. Perhaps contact womens aid or any domestic abuse charities about how you can get out. Xx