BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

Speak to womens aid OP. They will help you. You are being abused and it is a crime now, regardless of him not hitting you.

Having read your update, it is abuse. He is abusive. Please reach out to women's aid who will support you x

He IS bad. And he's starting to blame you.

Do you have children? Whether you do or not, this relationship is not a good one

No. He's abusing. So no couples therapy.

It is abuse

How long ago did you buy and who is on the deeds/mortgage?

@Maria223, you made a mistake buying a house with this guy. We've all made mistakes - some bigger than others. But this one has a well-trodden pathway, known to many women, to escape and salvation.

Step 1: decide you are done with him. That's it. You just simply have to make the decision in your head.

Step 2: see a solicitor, about selling.

One step at a time. You can keep your cards close to your chest, for as long as you like.

Edit: to fix daft typo

He wanted you to apologise because you involuntarily flinched?
Everything you've said so far screams of coercive control and emotional abuse. I think he saw you coming to be honest, you sold your house to buy with him but how much did he contribute to deposit etc?
I would be seeing a solicitor on Monday and making a plan to sell up and get away from this person.

He scared you and instead of realising he was wrong he’s gaslighting you into thinking it’s all your fault. Dump him.

@Maria223

lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.

Read that back to yourself and let it sink in. He is "emotionally and mentally awful" to you. This is no way to live.

The fact someone stops short of physically attacking you does not mean they are not abusing you.

The police and courts are getting wise to this now, which is why there is now coercive control legislation in place.

Talk to Women's Aid: they should be able to advise you on the legal position.

But please know you are being abused and need to get out.

"I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad."

Isn't it interesting that he should worry and scare you with aggressive behaviour but you end up trying to placate him? That's how emotional abuse works. He gets to treat you callously then you try to smooth it over.

He is a bad person. A good person feels shame if they upset and frighten someone they love. A bad person deflects blame and refuses to acknowledge, apologise or be held accountable for their conduct.

Stop kissing his arse. Tell him he's a bully.

You’ll lose a lot more than money if you stay with him. Time to see a solicitor.

You're being abused, get out while you still can.

He's a horrible manipulative bully OP.
Let's hope he keeps his word and fucks off later on. Give you a break from the sulking. Don't you dare apologise.
I couldn't stand living with someone like this, there wouldn't be a chance I'd find him attractive or want to sleep with him after that sort of behaviour. Instant ick. I'd be making plans to split.

Getting his DARVO in quick off the mark. Leave.

Please don’t do couple therapy with an abuser.
They can be very manipulative

But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse

Being emotionally and mentally awful IS abuse. He’s an abuser. You need to end it, he won’t change.

think he needs anger management!!

This is the sort of madness my ex would berate me for.

I finally realised my ex’s ego was so fragile, and his opinion of himself so high, that any sort of criticism or a different opinion or even a natural instinctive reaction (like yours) would be perceived by him as an insult to him, or be construed as being very offensive to him.

The madness is that they genuinely feel hurt (fragile ego), but can’t self reflect and take ownership of anything they might have done so obviously you are at fault, and it’s obvious to them that you owe them an apology!

The madness is that there will be no explaining it to him that will make him change his mind. He is (always) right so you must be wrong. There is no combination of words that you can say that will make him understand.

I could write a book on the number of things my ex thought I should apologise for.

Then one day you go to a therapist because you don’t know anymore. Or go on mumsnet to ask for an unbiased opinion.

You can't help a natural reaction @Maria223 . And he is intimidating. It is all abusive and unpleasant, including him threatening that you'll have to leave. Please do pack that bag. x

A decent guy a) wouldn't be doing excessive stuff that led to you flinching in the first place, and b) would be apologising for making you flinch, if he happened to by mistake.

This is such a typical play from an abusive man who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. He upsets you, then he expects you to apologise for being upset because it makes him feel/look bad.

It’s pathetic and you should tell him to stop being so ridiculous and take responsibility for his own anger management. If you’re too scared to say that, then you need to leave!

I was trying to avoid him getting angry.

Do you want to keep doing that for the rest of your life, beause you're afraid what he might otherwise do?

Oh wow, you need to leave. My mother was like him, and because I was a child, I couldn’t leave. But her behaviour impacted me for decades.

Never ever have children with him.

Yes you may lose something financially (or maybe you won’t) by leaving, but you’ll GAIN so much more. Just leave. And I’ve never advised a woman on MN to leave and I’ve been on here for years (I constantly name change!).

Good luck op, he’s messing with your sanity. Reach out to woman’s aid, as a previous poster said, if you need to talk irl. Forget couples counselling. Why? There honestly are so many good and kind men out there. I’m wondering if you (like me) grew up with some sort of abuse, which means you can’t see this for the horror it is? Good luck!

Get out of that relationship quick OP.
You're at the very beginning of the nightmare. He’s shown you who he is, you need to believe him. He’s not nice and it will get worse.

He is the one who should apologise.

I regularly flinch around my DH. He has never once laid a finger on me (other than the time he elbowed me hard square in the nose when I was stood behind his arm while he was doing DIY. Not deliberate in any way, just bad adherence to health and safety on both parts).

He would NEVER ask me to apologise for a natural, human, unconscious reflex. Especially not in a scenario when he’s angry and throwing things.

His response is a huge red flag, and please be vigilant to any more - the financial impact of the house is not worth sacrificing your health and wellbeing for.