BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

Haven't read the whole thread but do you have a deed of trust/cohabitation agreement in place? I'd see a solicitor about protecting the assets you brought if you split. And I would split if he's behaving like that you deserve better.

Oh sweetheart… he’s a bad person. Controlling and abusive. The fact you daren’t leave him because he would make your life hell speaks volumes. Please start making a plan to leave him. It will only get worse. Whatever you lose - this is your one life. Live it joyfully. Much love and strength to you.

He's abusive. Can you afford to buy him out or vice versa?

I understand what you mean “ I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard…” but he’s already making things hard and you really need to get away. I do hope you have supportive family and friends who will help you.

He just wants you to apologise and change your behaviour (stop flinching at scary situations) so he can be angry and out of control and not feel bad about it.

it’s controlling.

Put losing your peace of mind and feeling safe above losing material things. Get the hell out of that relationship, it’s not a healthy or loving dynamic between you.

Pretty sure that’s gaslighting! He’s making out you’re the one in the wrong when he was abusive.

This is no way to live. No. Fucking. Way. I grew up with an abusive father who would make me flinch daily. He also said "but I never hit you".

I'm currently teaching my children that ANYONE who treats you like that is a piece of shit and they do NOT put up with it - they leave. This will not end well, op. You will never be content and happy with this abusive piece of shit.

Exactly this.

OP, you need to break up with him, and be very careful in doing so, as he sounds very volatile.

But you absolutely have to get away. Safely.

This was me 20 years ago. Joint house, him being abusive and difficult and scary. He got worse and worse, wanting me to leave so he could keep the house and live his own life. I ended up homeless and he eventually walked away with mostly everything. Don't you leave - he needs to leave and if you do leave don't ever let him get the upper hand. Make a plan, see a solicitor about the house or your mortgage provider so that he either buys you out or you sell and get your share. You can start again, I did, it isn't easy but your life is your own and you've got your whole future to look forward to and live as you please.

Even if the harm isn’t physical you will one hundred percent be harmed emotionally and mentally. You will become a shadow of your normal (pre bf) self and you may even get a type of PTSD. This is not opinion, it’s fact.

I wouldn't be living with a horrible angry person who made you apologise because HE was so angry he made you flinch. Tell him to get stuffed.

OP, whatever money you've invested in property with this guy, you'll lose an enormous amount more by staying.

Think how you would advise a girlfriend or your sister or your mother if they came to you and said, for an instant they were afraid of their partner. When their partner saw their fear, instead of apologising and feeling remorse for making someone they love fear them, they blamed them and threatened to kick them out of their joint home. What would you say? It isn't normal and you really need to be prepared to cut your losses and get away from this man.

He wants you to apologise for an involuntary reaction?

He may not have ever hit you, but he is showing multiple signs of aggressive and emotional abuse, you have 3 options, get out now whilst you still have some sense of self, demand that he receives counseling for HIS problems or stay.

I can tell you right now that if you choose the latter, you will be miserable, my ex used to scream that I was "over reacting" because he'd never hit me. I'll give you 3 guesses what came next......

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me. He has never hit me. But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.

Think about what you would gain if you left him. You wouldn't be subjected to his nasty behaviour and you wouldn't have to worry about making him angry.

Do you want kids? If you do then you would be making a massive intake to have them with him. It would be irresponsible and unfair on any future kids.

I don't think you have a choice but to leave. If you are hoping he is suddenly going to change then you are a lot more optimistic than I would be.

If you have to flinch when you don't know what he's going to do next, you need to end it.

Here is your apology:

I'm sorry I ever met you.

I don't deserve you. Leave me alone for the rest of time.

Run.
This is only going to get worst, but by but until you are totally broken.
Please, please.
Go.
Do whatever it takes and get him out of your life.

My dear, life is short. Spend it with someone more secure and available for a relationship.

Of course it's abuse. Emotional abuse such as sulking, coercion and gaslighting are abusive.

I'd get good legal advice and seriously consider ending your relationship and selling your house.

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

Get him all the way to fuck. Now.

You should say he's a bad person, because that's exactly what he is.

Not another vile man.

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me

You will lose more if you stay with him: your happiness, security, self confidence, self respect and, probably in due course, your friends and family.

You don't need proof that he's abusive. You can choose to end a relationship with someone simply because the way they brush their teeth annoys you.

As a PP has said, get your house valued, preferably by three different agents. Get legal advice - an occupation order might not be a good idea, as it can in some cases affect the sale of a house. But you need to find out exactly what's what. As you aren't married, you should both be able to leave with whatever you put in - but you need to check this.

Then tell him the relationship is over.

You are being abused, gaslit, bullied by utter scum.

God help you that you made the mistake of buying with him, do not compound it by staying with him.

Ring Women's aid asap snd gdt legal advice.

Did he bully you into not protecting the money you brought to buying the house?

If he did that is coercive control.

This is a bad angry man and if you do not find the strength and bravery to seek help from Women's aid, legal advice and the police, your life is going to get worse.

He will raise a hand to you, likely if you are foolish enough to get pregnant and inflict him on a poor child.

Don't do this.

Do not approach him.
Do not apologise.

Reach out to family and friends and tell the truth.

This is scary, I get that, but your life will only get so much worse if you do not find the strength to seek help to get away from this bad man.
Keep posting.

Could I just recommend Dr Ramani’s video on mid-range narcissism. It took me ages to realise that my ex was a narc because he never seemed that bad. I think the OP might feel the same if she reads about malignant/grandiose narcs.

Mine was just like this….going mad when I flinched when he was driving and took it as an insult. It was a revelation when I did the same when a male friend was driving and he actually apologised and always drove sensibly afterwards. Although it still didn’t register that I was being abused!