BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

Absolutely. I left my first H (I won't add the 'D' as he's not) through abuse and remember being in my home when I was single, feeling very happy one day. Then I realised why. Because I wasn't listening out for the key in the latch, working out his mood so I could adjust mine.

The only reason I listen for my now DH's key in the latch is because I'm happy he's home. That's how it should be. DH dropped something the other day, made both of us jump. His reaction? 'You OK love?' That's normal.

Don't get into the business of feeling 'tied' to someone. There is always a way out. Worrying about potentially losing the money you put into the property isn't worth feeling like this all the time. You need to go. And forget therapy with him. People with anger issues can sometimes use the therapy to get their way - 'my therapist said I need to avoid stressful situations. So I need you to be quiet/keep the kids quiet/have dinner ready or whatever because that stresses me out'. Avoid like the plague.

What this poster said. Also they’ll randomly throw in a nice moment here or there to make you feel like they ARE a nice person after all.

maybe they’ll cry. Or say they’re wrong even - apologise even - but two minutes later they’ll be back to the same way.

THAT’S what fucks with your head and keeps you staying. Then it’s years down the line and you’ve invested time and money (or bought a house together as in op’s case) and then you feel like you have no choice but to stay and hope against Hope their old version of self reappears and it was all one horrible misunderstanding… they weren’t an abusive, controlling, cruel person after all.

It is abuse and this sounds like he’s just turned up the tension.

He was acting aggressively and out of control, not listening to reason and physically throwing things around. Stop pussy footing around and tell him straight - you put me on edge and scare me when you act like that, the problem isnt my natural reaction to a fright it is your aggressive behaviour, so get it sorted.

Dont let him make you question yourself, that will only make things worse.

Breaking up is hard to do, but if he doesn't listen, you only get one life dont make it one with decades with someone who makes you question and demands apologies for absolutely normal reactions.

It just sounds like you are getting on each others nerves. If you knew he gets cross doing diy you should have left him to it and not interfered.

Try swinging a frying pan near his face and see if he flinches?

Most domestic abuse is not actual violence but the threat of violence. The fact he throws things in a temper means that even if he didnt mean to, he could still hurt you.

You were right to flinch and right to expect an apology from him.

He's only a BF and can be got rid of.
He NEEDS to be got rid of.

Run OP!

Gaslighting prick.
You need to get rid of this fucking cunt from your life.

Bloody stupid advice

It absolutely is abuse.

To anyone questioning op helping him when she knows he gets angry, he would have gotten angry at her either way.
If she had stayed away he would have shouted at her for not helping or yell at her to clean up his mess.
He would find a way to take his anger out on her, stop victim blaming, it only makes you look ignorant.

So…he’s offended that you reacted in a way that suggests he’s abusive…by…being…abusive.
Huh.

Also a giant man baby that gets that but hurt over DIY would give me the instant ick 🤣

Is he like this most of the time or only when doing DIY, if he is mentally awful to you he must be like this most of the time.

Op, you're being gaslit. The fact he acts like a brat because he can't follow an instruction manual and throws stuff, then wonders why you flinched is a huge red flag. He may not have hit you but that behaviour suggests he is capable of it if he loses control like that over DIY
To then demand an apology and to tell you to pack your bags? No. He is 100% in the wrong here and you need to seek legal advice over the home and have him removed by the Police.

Ducks in a row time OP.

Your next DIY project should clearly involve a nail gun, his bollocks, and the wall.

That aside, he sounds extremely controlling and psychologically abusive. You have done nothing wrong. His response to you, however, was v v wrong.

I bought a house with the wrong person many years ago. Its completely fixable. Tell him its over. Call the estate agents on Monday. Get them around for a valuation. Move things quickly & never look back. He's awful & this will get worse. Good luck OP. Build yourself a wonderful life.

How are your finances split, especially the purchase of the property?

But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me I’m just not sure if it is truly abuse and if I’d have proof to get any kind of order.

Yes he is abusive.
No you don’t have to have “proof”, your feelings, your fear are more than enough.
Seriously, he is bad news. I would terminate this relationship asap.
Speak to Women’s Aid, speak to a solicitor, this gets his behaviour logged then detach yourself from him. Do NOT accept a penny less than you’ve put into the relationship.

Are you fucking serious? What is wrong with you that you think this is a normal reaction when your partner is getting on your nerves? And did you miss the bit where she said he’s emotionally and mentally awful to her? And that she hasn’t left him because she’s worried what the consequences are?

Victim blaming at its finest.

Start getting your ducks in a row, take note of the suggestions mentioned here and tell him from now on you will not be doing any DIY with him as he cannot control his temper which frightens you.
Also, don’t hide this from your family/friends. Talk to those close to you.

he knows exactly what he’s doing, leave now because next time he really will hit you

I sold my property to buy with him, he didn’t have property when we met.

Please get some financial advice ASAP and find out exactly what the situation is. Do not tell him that you are doing this.

Get some support - speak to citizens advice, they can advise you, there are lots of resources and help for people in abusive relationships.

On leaving him, you might be worse off financially for a little while. But you will be safe, and you will have peace. Your life will be far better in so many ways.

Do not accept this behaviour. You do not deserve it, and you only have one life.
There is nothing that will destroy your soul as much as living with an abusive prick.

Look up DARVO OP