BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

He knows he’s in the wrong but can’t accept it.
I had the same kinda situation years ago, BF raised his hand above me during an argument and I flinched and moved away from him. I told him I thought he was going to hit me and it crushed him.
That should be your BFs reaction, not him claiming you are making it all about you.
Plus if he knows these situations enrage him, he needs to stop doing them.
Only you can make a decision on whether to stay or go if he can’t accept facts.

L
T
B

I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person.

But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me

The real problem is that he is a bad person, or at least a very damaged one. I'm sure he has a whole list of reasons 'why he is how he is' but at the end of the day, he knows he's a shit partner, you know it, and he knows you know it. That's what he's angry at you... because you reacted in a normal way to his abnormal behaviour, and he feels bad because it reminds him of his issues. But he's too vain or selfish to say 'Hi, I'm the problem, it's me', so instead he makes out that you're the problem.

Leave this fucker. He doesn't deserve you. Be honest, the only thing really keeping you in the relationship is the fear of how badly he'll behave when you decide to leave. He almost certainly also knows that's the only reason you're staying too (not that he'll ever admit it), but he's too dysfunctional to change his behaviour and at some level he understands that as long as you are scared of him, it stops him from being abandoned.

He's not scared of being abandoned because he loves you, he's scared of being abandoned because it confirms that his behaviour makes him unlovable.

TL;DR Him acting aggressively keeps you under his control and in the relationship, which is what he wants, which is why he will never stop acting aggressively.

He will hit you though. He is building up to it. How often does he get angry and throw things at work? How often does he act in a way that makes his boss flinch? He can control himself, he just doesnt want to near you. The fact he was a dickhead and demanded you apologise is he wants control and power over you.

how did you buy? Did you protect your investment at all?

Rethink it from your perspective. Imagine if he flinched when you were throwing things about in a strop. I think you'd probably realise you were being childish and either a) apologise and try to control yourself better or b) deflect from your realisation by justifying yourself and accusing your boyfriend of being annoying about it.
He's done b), obviously.
What would make you see reason in those circumstances? Does humour work with him or get him more annoyed? Time to reflect and cool down? Maybe you need to leave for the night and give him space to do that. If he still maintains his position - well you know what you need to do. He doesn't sound like a loving supportive partner I'm sorry.

He was being a twat, he knows he was being a twat but he is gaslighting you into believing his actions were entirely reasonable and you were over reacting.

No more apologies, OP. Tell him he's being a twunt!!

In my opinion he does sound abusive BUT either way, you don't have to be being abused to leave a relationship. Staying so you don't lose money isn't enough. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect.

My DH loses his rag with DIY stuff and has made me cringe or flinch a few times because of shouting. He would never ever hurt me. But I generally stay out of his way if I can these days. He always settles eventually and apologises but he is a complete wanker when he feels helpless to fix something.

I have had to have sterner words with him about it recently as the dog leaves the room and DC gets very uncomfy. I have told him it isn’t ok to create that kind of atmosphere in the house and he accepts that and is trying his best not to.

Having said that, outside of these odd rages he is the best father and an excellent husband. So as it’s infrequent, we can get out of his way and he accepts it’s not ok and is really trying to manage it better, I haven’t made more of a big deal. But I dread anything going wrong in the house as he’s so unbearably stressed until it’s sorted.

Look, you can either go now or you can go later, when things are much worse.

He is saying to you that you are at fault because you flinched. How can that possibly be your fault?

He's an arrogant tw*t and his anger is out of control so there are 2 red flags.

He is also blaming you for something he's guilty of. You flinched for your safety because you were in an unsafe situation.

He 's a lunatic.

I would tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

If you leave him, don't look back. You saved yourself.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Couples therapy isn’t the answer. As you are not half of the problem. He is an angry person. We moved house while I was pregnant, and honestly the behaviour from DH was appalling… It won’t get better for you. And blaming you, as well.

He's an abusive dickhead. Of course he wants you to apologise. Because he's an abusive dickhead. Don't pack a bag and go, it's as much your house as his.

No to the suggestion of couples therapy because he is abusive. Don't even consider it.

Look into your rights regarding splitting up if you share a mortgaged house currently. Look at what all your options are regarding splitting and selling and housing etc, and do so discretely. You could do this via a solicitor and also via women's aid.

I'd suggest keeping a log, starting today like a journal. Password protect it. Log everything that gives you pause. This will prove useful for your own peace of mind and also for if needed down the line when he escalates. Which he will.

if a man wants credit for not hitting you his head is not in a reasonable place.

Never put up with worse behaviour from a 'partner' than you'd put up with from a random flatmate you just moved in with. That isn't how this is supposed to work.

Definitely this. I'm afraid this will only get worse 😕

He is playing a game with you, one that he always wins. You deserve much much more. Have a look at this:
https://ia802506.us.archive.org/17/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

He sounds so much like my ex OP. Best thing he ever did was cheat on me and I found out and left. Saved my life.

I remember my ex stood up and shouted at something on TV/at me and I flinched.

He had never hit me or give me any reason to think he was aggressive but my instinct kicked in.

He immediately apologised for scaring me and reassured me he would never hurt me.
He hugged me and apologised again.

I then apologised for flinching and explained that it was just an unconscious reaction.
After that, he made a conscious effort to not shout suddenly.

This was an ex relationship that wasn’t even that serious and we never lived together or anything and yet we still treated each other better than your now partner.

Why on earth would you apologise for an involuntary reaction?

@PostItInABook
Your answer is perfect ' - make a plan to get away from this awful man.

It's NOT you this is a huge problem that he's making you think it is. He can't take any responsibility. He is scary.

If your instinctive reaction is to flinch, the that is a huge red flag. I wouldn't advise couples therapy, he may well use that to manipulate you further. I know it seems hard, but honestly, I would advise you too separate.

There’s a first time for every DV victim

How dare you be scared of him, he doesn't think you should be allowed any feelings.

What's for the future, how dare you cry when he hits you with an object, then goes onto pushing and hitting you.

This man has an evil streak in him, those are the worst, the ones that are mentally and physically abusive and never apologise, he will expect you to be thankful for getting a good beating.

Don't let it get to that stage, I've got a feeling this ones capable of that.

Run and sell you house, get away from him, he's made it very clear that he has no need to apply any kind of logic to your relationship.
He's disgusting.

Flinching isn't something you think about or do deliberately. It's a reflex, like blinking. You can't control it, it's a reaction to the situation. If he can't see that his behaviour WAS the situation you were reacting to, he is a buffoon.

Cut your losses now. How on earth will you live with this arsehole? What kind of life will be with you walking on eggshells every time he does DIY. Id leave. Life is too short