BF wants apology because I flinched

[Maria223]

My bf gets angry when doing diy etc. He was struggling to put together a piece of equipment and I tried to help. I was trying to avoid him getting angry.
He went to throw the equipment on the floor from a height. He was stood up and I was on the ground. I shouted for him to stop and he only threw an unbreakable bit not the full thing. I tried to carry on getting it to work and he was standing above me and shouted at me and went to grab the item. I instantly flinched and honestly in that moment I didn’t know what was fully happening it was just an instant reaction. My boyfriend went out and when he came back said we should talk.

I thought he might apologise but he said he was waiting for an apology from me. He said he has never hit me and I made the situation all about me when I know he gets annoyed in those situations.
later when I tried to speak to him again he said ther me is no point as I always make him out to be the bad guy and if we talk for any longer I’ll be the one needing to pack an overnight bag and get out (we own our house together).
I tried to explain I’m not saying he is a bad person. It was an instant reaction and in the moment I felt scared but that doesn’t mean he is bad. He is now ignoring me and I feel so sad and confused but equally I just don’t think I’m in the wrong. But I’d like some unbiased views in case it is me.

This, OP.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Recognise it for what it is, good, loving relationships don't work like this.

Run for the hills, my dear, run for the hills.

Run for the hills, my dear, run for the hills.

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me

Lose what? Hes not even your husband so you've no divorce to go through. He's an angry aggressive man, the fact he hasn't hit you doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. Well not unless in future years you want to become an anxious nervous wreck. Abuse doesn't have to have a label on it. & its not only physical either.

You KNOW why you flinched and so does he. It'd be a fuck off from me. Occupation order, get house sold take your share start again. He's a man he's not your God. You'll survive.

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me.

But lots of the time he is emotionally and mentally awful to me

So, is this piece of land with some 'bricks and sticks' on it really worth living the rest of your life with this man, his nasty temper, and his emotional and mental abuse? I'm not sure how old you are, but we could be talking the next 20, 30, 40, 50 YEARS. Not to mention, is this a man you want to be the father of your children (if you want children). Think very carefully, because he is NOT going to change. They never do.

I'd suggest you see a solicitor about the house. Take your deeds and mortgage papers and any other documents regarding the house purchase, especially if you ring fenced any of the money from your previous house. Let an expert tell you what your options are wrt selling/buying him out. But do it now. The longer you wait the more money you may lose.

OP if you’re not married and you don’t have any children, there is never going to be an easier time to get away from him.

He is abusive.
It is obvious to anyone reading this thread.

If you’re struggling to come to terms with that, please spend some time on your own with a therapist/counselling and don’t tell him.

Do you have shared finances (like a joint account)?
Or just the mortgage shared?

I'm not sure if anyone else has posted this but you might be interested in the freedom program.

Its a course you can do where it discusses different types of abuse, their pattern and how they can show up in a relationship.

It could offer you the chance to reflect upon his behaviour choices, how they impact you're relationship and your emotional and mental health.

Its free and can be done online.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

He’s abusive, and he’s testing your boundaries.

You need advice urgently from women’s aid or a DV support organisation, and a solicitor.

The longer you leave it, the worse it will get .

It goes from him being bad at DIY, to behaving violently to objects, and threatening to throw you out for being frightened when he behaved frighteningly? Please don't let this become your normal. It's not normal and it's not safe.

He owes you a grovelling apology. You cannot help a reflex action and he needs to learn to control his temper, not blame it on others. How dare he.

I’ve not heard of this but will definitely go watch it. Hopefully op can too. I’ve shared a similar experience to you with your male friend where someone else just doesn’t behave the way the narcissist would and you’re like…hang on a minute? And wonder how you’ve become so detached from good normal behaviour that you actually thought the way the narc was acting wasn’t “that bad” or unusual.

also it’s always such a slow build that you just don’t really see it coming. Looking back at my relationship with a narcissist it was SO obvious. And the thing is that I wonder sometimes if I had KNOWN he was a narc before we broke up, would I have left him? Or would I have tried to sympathise and say wellll he has a personality disorder.

the trouble is that they’re like poisonous snakes - might not be their “fault” being born that way but it doesn’t stop them killing you (emotionally or sadly literally). And means the LITERALLY will NEVER change. So if you choose to stay, you’re choosing to stay with their behaviour - you cannnot expect anything (other than for it to get worse)

glad you got out xx

Get the hell out of there. NOW. Please.
I had years of this. It won't get any better, trust me.

He should be mortified that he scared you! He should be apologetic not you. I'd be concerned about your future as a couple

I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me

You know this now, so yes, I agree with others who have said you need to leave him. He will not change.

This relationship is very unhealthy - as well you know, @Maria223

While you think about and process things in your own time, as you’re entitled to do, for the love of God, please make sure your contraception is water-tight.

The number of women on this site (and the rest of the world) tethered to awful, awful men because they fell pregnant to them, is far too high.

I agree.

I felt very uneasy reading your post. He is deflecting and projecting everything onto you. It sounds like deep down you know this isn't right but are doubting yourself. Trust your body's reaction. You don't feel safe around him. This is really serious.
Unless he goes to, and really engages with therapy, I don't think he will change. It will get worse.
Keep reaching out for support to help you with the next steps.

It is true abuse.

The longer you stay with this man the more this relationship will have cost you - emotionally and financially.

This is your life. You only get one and no one knows how long it will be. Too short to live like this, that's for sure.

@Maria223
I feel like I’d lose so much if we ever split as he’d make things so hard and horrible for me.

This is called the 'sunk cost fallacy'. He has you thinking it would be more difficult to leave him than it would be to stay with him - and that's not true. Nothing about this situation is healthy.

Not only violent, but an abusive gaslighter. "You've hurt me by flinching when I scared you."

You know what to do - and don't in any circumstances bring children into the world to be abused by him.

Also, report to the police now that he threw a power tool in your direction. Tell them you were instinctively scared and although you generally try not to you flinched - but that only made him angrier. Use those words.

This could be really important in how well your solicitor can warn him off if he starts asking for more than his fair share.

Do it now.

You need to cut your losses here, OP, and sell the house.

In the interim, abuse does not need to be physical. Get in touch with Women's Aid and they'll advise you further.

He's only just getting started, you know. It will escalate. Do not marry him and above all don't get pregnant.

Get out. Whatever it costs you financially, it's worth it.

Run.

You owe him a : Please get the door thank you and if we cross each other again, just ignore me.

Run run run