To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Yeah I agree with this. Or any man with a hobby that takes up 20 hours of every weekend! Cycling/football etc, and also the gym to some extent.

My niece is with a man (both 28,) and they have been together 10 years. Got married in summer 2022. No children. He is off playing golf every Sunday, and has been for the 10 years they have been together. He is also a huge football fan and watches every match his team play, (and goes to quite a few,) and he watches matches featuring lots more teams too. Also, watches all football-related TV programmes.

She has lots of friends and does have a few hobbies, but mostly, she just goes out with friends/spends weekends with them/goes on weekend trips with them etc. She does this because he is hardly ever 'free' at weekends. She does go on holiday with him occasionally - once a year - and they go out together - often with friends too, once a month. But she goes out with/does stuff with her friends five times more than she does stuff with him.

The reason is because he is hardly ever there. And because of this so she has had to forge her own life/hobbies and interests/social life.

I fear for her when/if they have a baby, as there is no way he will give up golf and football to spend more time with her and the baby. So he will be at work 9-5 Monday to Friday, and will still be out 8am to 5pm virtually every Sunday at golf, and many Saturdays at football matches. When golf is cancelled because of bad weather, he is in a mood and sits there with his arms folded, in a sulk. He won't go out with her or do anything, and she just ends up going out with her friends, and leaving him to sulk.

He won't cancel his golf or football for ANYthing, and has missed family weddings (and other family events,) and big birthdays - rather than miss a certain football match, or golf match/tournament.

I will really worry for her if they have a baby, because it will be ALL her doing the childcare. He won't quit or miss any golf or football to look after their child. I just know it.

I honestly and genuinely would divorce a person who felt that this was appropriate, even when challenged. He’s a shit dad and a shit husband.

And you feed and clear up after everyone? You're not an equal, that's not a partnership. You're his skivvy/servent. Why are you accepting your inferior role/his sexism?

Did you know he played golf before getting together? They call them 'golf widows' for a reason. Getting a golfer to change his habits is very difficult. Better not to get involved with them if you don't like (or are not part of) this lifestyle.

Apologies if I missed it - but when you ask him when your equal free time is what does he say?

I also do not understand how this was the status quo at all post any children? surely he saw his teens at weekends?

I would be asking him how post divorce he is going to manage all four children - two full time and two every second weekend. Honestly some men - how on earth can they keep having children and not parent!?

Start having Mummy Sundays leave 8. Til4 and let him have family time with the children HE MADE
Youll only resolve this by having the same selfish attitude as your H

Family time is code for not wanting to solo parent. .

1. Plan things on a saturday without the teenagers. He can either stay home with them or not. Not your problem if its not his. Start taking little one to Saturday baby cinema or something.

Make plans every Sunday for yourself. Hand baby over and have a bath. Visit parents alone. Go to a gallery, coffee shop, sunday shopping browsing, long walks. Literally anything.

Do all of it with a cheery attitude and if he makes noises just say you need your down time. Wait for him to suggest alternating down time.

Sounds like he has a built in childminder at the moment.

Ypu dont need time to relax, you're at home all week with the baby and can nap when the baby naps and have time to yourself then. He works all week. He needs that time.

And you should enjoy parenting his children. You're already looking after your own so why not his? You dont want to treat them differently do you?

And because he is bringing in money he should be able to spend it his he wants.

Why would you want time to yourself on Sunday when it's the only day you get with him all week?

this is his exact thought process

Reflect on how selfish that is for a while.

YANBU - what a selfish supposed partner. You have been more than accommodating thus far but honestly, this takes the mick. Alright for some having a whole day in peace but where is your break? 🙄🤨 And that also is a day each week that you cannot spend as a family, which assuming weekends are predominantly your time for this all together is a lot. Put your foot down and tell him he needs to buck up, he is just as much their father and a partner and is perfectly happy for you to take on the responsibilities for this which is not okay.

Seriously why the fuck not! I mean you're not even getting full maternity leave with a newborn! Part time work and full time care of a baby and he's the one that gets a day off!?!! Fuck that shit!

Agree with you!
But my point is, yes he's selfish, but you can either bicker about the golf or you can set your own boundaries. It doesn't mean that the OP has to roll over and accept it. But neither party really gets to dictate the terms of every weekend. He might decide that golf every Saturday is less appealing if it means his wife buggers off every Sunday but that's not what the OP wants either.

But I didn't.
Undoubtedly when they were dating it was a minor thing, it's gone up to one day a week as they've settled down and now his kids have moved IN it's all weekend. So it's ops fault for not being psychic.
. Why do we blame women when men change?

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday

Oh my. He saw you coming. Selfish git.
This isn't going to get an better.
Your choice whether you want this to be your life.

I feel sorry for his kids.

I guess you didn't realise he would turn out to be such a shit Father.

He's DOUBLED his golf commitment to avoid. HIS teens.

So I would

1. Dont run round after the teenagers, they sort lifts, get buses, use bikes whatever unless you happen to be going that way. If that means moping round the house on. Saturday tough, daddy can sort them
2. They tidy up after themselves, consequences if they dont
3. if he won’t give up a Saturday to allow you to meet friends, then arrange it for the Sunday, and leave all the kids with him

as you say why should he get an all day break and you dont. Perhaps leaving him all day Sunday with all 4 might make him appreciate what you do

He's being a dick.

I had a hobby which was a massive part of my life - it was how I defined myself for years. How I met my closest friends. My week revolved around it to a large extent. It took up a large chunk of time - two evenings per week and all of Saturday afternoon.

Once my DS was born, I cut back and eventually stopped my hobby - because time with them was more important. Working full time, I see DS for two days per week and that's more important than anything to me.

I've recently started a new hobby - and whilst it isn't the same and never will be - it's much more fitting in family life and much less of a commitment. I don't regret anything.

Hmmnah that’s not good. You can’t really ask him to do less than what he did pre-you, but doubling it…sounds like he’s not that bothered about family.

Your DP is a selfish sexist pig.

If your child was older I might perhaps answer differently, but when you have a baby he should be trying to give you a break at weekends!! My DH works 70 hr weeks in a stressful job and I’m SAHM, but when our child was a baby DP did all the housework and cooking at the weekends, and I did it in the week. (Our baby was a very very bad sleeper.)

When does he think you get a break? It’s not like he’s popping out for a jog or gym class, golf is a loooong hobby. (And a lazy one I mean it’s not like he’s coming home with the body of a greek god after a round of golf is it.

As to how to stop your DP being a selfish sexist pig - if only women had the answer to such questions… 😢

Arguably he's VERY bothered. About how to make the woman do it all.

”Hmmnah that’s not good. You can’t really ask him to do less than what he did pre-you, but doubling it…sounds like he’s not that bothered about family”

@Mariposista they have a two month old baby. When adults have babies, they give up their hobbies to look after the baby. Because that’s what parenting is. OP’s DP is refusing to do any parenting on Saturdays and is also busy all week, that’s the problem. She shouldn’t have to “ask him to do less” it should be obvious to him that when you have a baby you play less golf. Particularly if you’ve just moved in kids from some other relationship and dumped them on your new partner.

The only men I know who prioritise golf and drinking with their men over their children are divorced men.

I’d leave him him to play golf on Saturday and start going out every Sunday.
then if he complains of no family time together, discuss it then and try to agree that every 2nd week you’ll go out Sunday and he can do the same Saturday.

OP,

Kindly meant but could you be more of a mug?

You are his skivvy aupair that he's had a child with to shut up, so he can tie you to your REAL role, which is to look after HIS children.

You poor woman, you really have been sold a pup.

Lots of similar stories on here of men having a child with a young woman so they can avoid parenting their own children.

Not an accident they are now livjng with you, once the baby arrived....text book...

He is a selfish arsehole that cares little for you or any of his FOUR children.

The price of finding a skivvy aupair for his three children was to have another child.

Golf and spending the minimum time with his children is his absolute priority.
Hence the essential drinks on the 19th.

This is your life for as long as you are prepared to put up with it.

Think long and hard about having another child with him, because inevitably women like you eventually wake up and want out as they realise EXACTLY how hard and relentless the slog of 4 or 5 children is.

Never having the joy of a home with just one child, but running around shopping, cleaning, cooking for so many people.

Burnout often happens and then the women realise they have been utterly used and leave.

This is you probably.

It will spoil your childs baby years as you are running after his.

He definitely sees you as a mug and insists he is entitled to golf every week because you being the house skivvy aupair is your purpose and his complete focus is using you.

Wake up and protect yourself because you are really going to regret your choices.

He'd walk out and leave them to it.

His children are neither his responsibility nor priority.

Shit father, shit parent.

What women like the OP sadly don't get was these men were only ever interested in a woman, any woman, to take over their parenting responsibilities.

It was never about them really as an individual.

It's about gaining back their freedom even.if it involves procreation of another one or two.

If the OP dumps him, he'll find another mug.

They always do....whilst portraying themselves as devoted fathers, until the mask drops and another mug is caught🤷🏻‍♀️.

His first love is golf and the 19th hole.

Riiiight so he gets every Saturday to relax and you get family time on Sunday, when is your time to relax? Selfish arsehole