To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Golf is not an all day event. DH plays every weekend as early as possible. He’s often back around 11 in summer. It isn’t compulsory to stay for lunch and drinking after the round.

So, you look after the house, kids and him 7 days a week, with never a break, but he gets to go out all day on Saturday and he thinks that's fine..

Sell his clubs on Monday and don't tell him. When he notices, feign ignorance completely.

I play golf, but then we don't have young children.

I belonged to a Golf Society before our girls were born, but regularly missed golf days as it took too much time out of a day. 18 holes, then waiting for others to finish to have our little award ceremony .

I now play irregularly. And generally it fits in with any plans we have made/want to make. And I tend to leave as soon as my game is over.

Your OH is a selfish bastard, although I bet he acts the family man with his golf buddies (there was one in our society, it was just everyone knew he was a selfish twat (and he cheated)).

Every other week was fine, but the minute he doesn't have to parent his children, because they are in your house you can, he pisses off every week.

Time to put your foot down.

Did he actually want the baby?

It sounds like he has totally checked out of parenting.

A friend of mine married a guy who had two failed marriages behind him and three kids. They went on to have two further children at her insistence.

He also has a hobby that takes him away for whole weekends. As you can imagine, it's caused a LOT of resentment!

Urgh what is it with men and sport? And their freakin' 'hobbies?!' And why are they nearly always hobbies and interests and sports that take them away from the house a lot? Imagine if women did the same? Just fucked off for hours on end - 6-7 hours - or even longer every Saturday and even Sunday too, to pursue a 'hobby' - and just left the husband to look after the kids alone? She would be vilified and attacked for it, and called a bad mother. By her own family probably! Along with neighbours and acquaintances.

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said @Starbie but you have my sympathy. Many men are so selfish and thoughtless and do see the parenting as wimmins work!

This. I think you move out Sunday morning till Monday morning every weekend till he changes his mind! the extra night you are taking compared to the day he takes for golf is fair as they are all his children.

YANBU

I think it’s really important for people to have down time and hobbies but he’s got 4 kids and cannot disappear all day.

He needs to either go for a much shorter time each week or go EOW.

He’s taking the piss.

I would genuinely get a hobby on a Sunday 8-4 just to prove a point.
At first he’ll probably act supportive but give it a few weeks and he’ll soon start talking about how you need family time etc.

Not acceptable under any circumstances. He sounds selfish in the extreme.

What a selfish cunt. Seems he thinks his high earnings ‘buy’ him this right. You need to decide if you agree. Personally, fuck that.

Oh, and you perhaps need to develop a passion for golf.

It only takes him 4 hours to play though. My DH has a quick drink after with the ones he has actually played with then comes homes. Then checks the scores on his phone.

This is not every weekend either as we do go away some weekends. I don't mind this as I like get a rare chilled morning and then we do something when he gets back.

No way would I like him being out the house 8 hours every weekend.

He does do his fair share of housework and works full time. He does the school run 2 days a week for his DC.

I work 10 hours, look after the baby almost exclusively and do the other half of the housework.

Either way, I don’t think it’s okay to have every Saturday 8am - 4pm ‘off’. I really wouldn’t mind every other week, I’ve told him that many times, he just thinks I am unreasonable and he should be ‘allowed’ to relax and play golf every Saturday. After months of this, it’s started to build resentment. He even played golf after my c-section and got various family member to come and look after me and the baby. I’m really starting to feel cross and resentful.

YANBU, but sorry OP that's what you get for having a relationship witha golfer.

@Itsnotchristmasyet I quite fancy my hobby being the local spa for 8 hours every Sunday.

@IvorTheEngineDriver It only used to be every other Saturday and I genuinely didn’t mind. It’s been since his teenagers moved in with us, and he’s had the extra work / stress of them, that he’s started playing every single week.

He even played golf after my c-section and got various family member to come and look after me and the baby. This is absolutely awful OP. Echoing others… wonder why his first marriage failed…

@goodkidsmaadhouse It really upset me at the time but I rationalised it as him being stressed at having to look after me, the baby, all the housework, the 3 other DC…

If feeding the 2m old can be done by your husband I would definitely start going out the same hours on a Sunday for your ‘new hobby’. He’s not going to understand the work involved if he never has to do it.

Yeah I’m sorry but I don’t think this should’ve been rationalised. He could’ve enlisted those family members to help with the housework, other DC etc. And focused on you and the baby.

Arrange shopping for Sunday and text him saying I’ve arranged to go shopping at 10 on Sunday and then for dinner on Sunday. I won’t be back until after bed time. Repeat every week until he starts golfing every other week again

Tell him from now on you each get a childfree Saturday so his golf will be only every second Saturday.

If he queries this ask him if he can remember the last time you had a childfree day to yourself.

Don't take this lying down. This is a hill I would be prepared to die on.

You should definitely do this! You have asked him to do every other week. The only way to handle this now is to leave him on a Sunday. When he says he can’t do it then you explain that you want the same relaxing time as him.

i wonder if he will then pick up a hobby for every Sunday. But at that point your marriage is over anyway

Have you asked him all of this?

YANBU. My partner plays football all day every Saturday and trains on a Wednesday night. We have 2 DC one who has autism so it’s really hard work. It’s caused so many arguments in the past and it still does now and then

Well, I can see why he isn't with the mother of his teens. Bet she's fucking snorting laughing into her tea.

Have you asked him when he sees fit for you to have a break?

I'd leave him tbh. At least that just leaves the preteen in your full time care and eventually 50/50 care of the joint child.