To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

@Ishbel38
The 3 older kids may very well prefer to stay at home or to make plans with their friends. Why should they be inflicted on dad or have dad inflicted on them as some kind of crazy equalizer or punishment for dad. There as nothing to suggest that these older kids are looking for or feeling the need for any additional family time. As teenagers and late preteens , they probably feel that they get more family time than they need or want.

Given the ages of these older children, it is probably only the OP feeling unhappy with the existing situation.

The thing about teens is whilst most of them need less hands on parenting , they do notice and can be hurt by a lack of involvement.

So for example this morning DH went to see DS 17 playing rugby for the second half - as it turned out he didn't get on the pitch at all ( substitute) but the message is that he matters and his DF wanted to see him play. DS was going to a pals tonight - he could have got the bus, but I needed to go out for something anyway so gave him a lift.

Another weekend possibly we would be away or have other plans, but I think to teens it is important to show them that you're still interested and be involved on their terms, whilst still letting them gain their independence of course.

Here the DF has just shrugged off his parental responsibility and dumped it on the nearest female. Do we think his DCs will be voluntarily rushing to have a relationship with them once they are adults - I sincerely doubt it.

2 of them are only his children. It’s only ‘fair’ if she goes out from 4 and also stays out all night and lets him make sure his dc get off to school while juggling his little ones.

Men who want to play sport and watch sport all weekend shouldn't have children.

Hi there, I read your post and I thought you might appreciate hearing a blokes POV & perspective on this subject (I hope you don't mind 🙏🏼 🙌🏼) LOL!

So.. The long & short of it is that, yes he is being inconsiderate and selfish imo.

I don't like using the word 'gaslighting' but in my personal opinion on this occasion it does feel like that is the case. The reason why I say this is because of the words he chose in his response to you 'you are being' and 'I need', which is causing you to second guess & question yourself. Which isn't fair if I'm being honest. He has also on his own accord decided to switch up how many days he plays golf without first having a conversation with you about it, which is somewhat unfair. There has to be compromise on both sides in a relationship.

Everyone needs a little bit of their own independence and downtime to either relax or meet a friend for a coffee or lunch. You're not asking for much imo.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your husband and have a civilized chat with him. Explain that you completely understand his perspective that he needs his down time but so do you. You allow him to get a full nights sleep every night (which isn't something you get).

Ask him to see things from your perspective and if he starts getting defensive or trying to make out that you're being unreasonable or he's unwilling to see the situation through your eyes, then he's being a narcissist.

If that is the case and he point blank refuses to budge or compromise, then I would then calmly turn round and ask if he thinks he is being fair to you. He will most probably try and deflect it back on to you.

I would then at this point, calmly say that you are being unreasonable and unwilling to compromise with me, why don't you try asking your parents or close family or friends to babysit for a few hours to allow you to have a bit of free time to switch off and have some down time with your friend. He is wanting the time away to relax so he should ultimately be the one to source someone to look after the pre-teen and little one.

One other thing you could if you wanted to try compromise with him is ask him to perhaps not go for a full day of golf each Saturday but instead go to the driving range every other week instead for a couple hours first thing in the morning, then you could then go meet a friend for a coffee or whatever at lunchtime. Might be a win-win situation for you that option.

If he is unwilling to do any of these things then, you're fighting a losing battle. Maybe look at taking a break from one another, because you cannot continue the way you are. Sometimes we don't realise what we've got until it's gone.

I hope this advice helps you in some way. Good luck 🤞🏼 👍🏼

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

He's a cheeky fucker pissing off to the golf course leaving you to deal with all that.

I am guessing the oldest 3 are his? Then he needs to step up to the plate and be A PARENT!

I'd be at the end of my tether too in that set-up and tell him to fuck off with his kids.
Single motherhood is not at all bad. Been doing it for 32 years, since he was 6 months old. Not easy but it's just you and them. It all works out anyway.

Please stop being a skivvy to a man who does not respect you, love you and just sees you as the "housekeeper and nanny"

go meet a friend for a coffee

Doesn't work with a 2-month-old baby. Just ask her/him to come over for coffee.

Just doesn't seem to bode well for your relationship that he doesn't see the problem and that he's acting like he is past the whole baby stage of parenting having been there and done that.

2 questions that may or not be relevant (they’re not relevant to whether you’re being unreasonable - of course you’re not, he’s behaving like a selfish ***) -

• why did his teenagers move in? Has whatever led up to it caused a change in their behaviour, or have they moved in because their mum couldn’t cope with their behaviour? I’m just wondering whether there’s a bigger issue here which is then causing stress and leading to him effectively running away weekly. Why don’t they go to their mum’s every other week like they used to see their dad every other week?
• Did he actively want to have a baby or was this something you really wanted? I have a teen and a pre teen and the thought of going back to baby stage makes me feel cold with dread.

While he is definitely taking the mick, he appears to be pulling his weight with other things and must have been a decent parent if his teens decided to live with him full time. I’m just wondering if there’s a deeper issue here that he’s ‘running away from’ - that perhaps you could try to get to the bottom
of along with solving the immediate problem?

His teens, though they may not say anything about it, are probably feeling this more keenly than you. Imagine moving in with your dad only for him to disappear and leave you in a rural area with little ones ever saturday. even if he dropped them off to their own activities or into town before he went to golf them picked them up they'd probably feel there was more input from him.

Massively selfish, every other Saturday would be my way forward, also golf clubs are open and very busy on a Sunday

Fair would be he has alternate Sat to himself and so you do, Sun family day.

This is something women need t be honest and open about.

For many women, having children is their hobby of choice. It is usually women who want the children. If that is so, it isn't unreasonable for women to do most of the care.

What you’ve got to do is to ask yourself is why does he want to play golf instead of spending time with you and the kids because perhaps he gets more enjoyment playing golf than being with you

Are you a man? Because usually I hear this sort of claptrap from misogynist men who don’t think anyone male should have to do a damned thing with their own offspring or the house they live in.

Utter fucking crap.

And this piece of spiteful horseshit!

Jesus wept.

Exactly this. He married her for free childcareit seems.

What the fuck? At least half of them are. Not. Her. Children. She did not grow them, she did not give birth to them, she did not plan them and invite them into her life, she is not biologically related to them. They are his children, who moved in with them. They are not and never will be ‘her hobby’.

Thing is what did you sign up for? He probably thinks because he earns all the money..then he gets to choose. And his relaxation, means to him, playing golf! There's probably part of you that sort of feels you can't really complain about that. He too probably thinks he has all the power. However you are probably feeling somewhat used and dismissed. You somehow need to gain some balance in respecting each others needs and responsibilities.

Would it be acceptable to the OP , if the husband would engage a sitter on 2 Saturday's a month thus freeing her up to do as she chose ? Would the OP still feel put upon?

Perhaps they might revisit the idea of the OP becoming a SAHP. In situations were both people have to contribute to all aspects of household functioning both financial and domestic, there tends to be a better understanding of what is required to have a fully functioning household, and it allows both parties to understand how removing some aspects of contribution will fully devastate the families ability to survive while removing other aspects may be damaging or unpleasant.

If these 2 people cannot figure out how to arrange matters to the satisfaction of both them, their marriage will probably not survive, and tbh, the OP will not likely end up in a position that makes her any happier. We all know that once divorced , father's cannot be compelled to spend time with their children regardless of what the custody order may say.

The possible solution seems so easily put in place compared to the alternatives. In so many insistance the ultimate question becomes do I want to be right or do I want a solution ?

As others have said - an early tee time , 18 holes , can be back about lunch time even with a quick half at the 19th. Competitions etc which may take longer can be scheduled in. If he takes 8 hours to get round 18 holes I am amazed the club tolerates him on a busy day ( yes I realise he is having a drink and a chat afterwards. )

It's about respect, isn't it? And you're carrying 100% of the family load while he walks out the door sticking 2 fingers up to you on the way.

I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell. You're already doing it all, and will have less responsibility without his kids. Win win surely...

You can’t leave teenagers to look after a 2 month old!

What on Earth are you saying??? This is the stupidest thing I’ve read on this site

Whilst I'm all for contracting out work if the household finances can afford it, if I was married to an H who thought his penis meant he could outsource his childcare 6 days per week including his young baby, then personally I would rather be divorced than married to such a specimen.

I'm all about solutions as well. OP joins a ritzy spa ( same price or less than a golf club) and hangs out there every Sunday from 8am-6pm. Baby gets looked after by his own DF, his teens get to see him. He realises what a selfish arse he is.Job done.