Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

414 replies

Starbie · 09/11/2023 09:54

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

OP posts:
secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 15:45

But do you work 10 hours a day or 10 hours a week? That make a huge difference. If you are working full time, then he needs to compromise - but if you are free 80% of the week to do your own thing, that puts an entirely different slant on it

Cowhen · 09/11/2023 15:48

Ponderingwindow · 09/11/2023 12:33

It’s really very simple, every 8 hour block of solo time he gets, you get an 8 hour block as well. Ask to sit down with the calendar and figure out how it is going to work. No, yours does not get to be chopped up into 20 minute blocks while he “watches the baby” so you can do things like shower. He gets that time too. No, you won’t be getting up an hour early to get some time for yourself, sacrificing much needed sleep. This is solid, uninterrupted recreation time that you should get in at least 2 hour blocks.

I agree with this. I don't see how he can have a comeback to this.

YourNameGoesHere · 09/11/2023 15:49

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 15:45

But do you work 10 hours a day or 10 hours a week? That make a huge difference. If you are working full time, then he needs to compromise - but if you are free 80% of the week to do your own thing, that puts an entirely different slant on it

She obviously works 10 hours of the course of the week which doesn't make any difference as she's not free 80% of the week given she had a baby 8 blooming weeks ago and to be honest there should be no expectation of her working at all. Her job is to look after the tiny baby.

BATIRA · 09/11/2023 15:52

OP - what happens when you actually talk to him about this?
when you have a rational conversation and raise the issues of 1) your equal “time off” 2) family time 3) the bind this represents to your Saturdays.

How does that conversation go?

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 09/11/2023 15:53

I guess you could hang out with someone very attractive for those 8 hours whilst he's golfing and see how he "likes them apples"?😆

Andylippy1 · 09/11/2023 17:07

Totally selfish, I have experienced this. My advice is to steer clear of males with sporting habits every Saturday or Sunday. Habits that are for long hours on a weekend are a definate no from me!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/11/2023 18:11

It takes 4 hours for a group of 4 people to play 18 holes.

I feel like some people wouldn't ever question a whole day but actually it only takes half a day max!

towriteyoumustlive · 09/11/2023 18:18

Starbie · 09/11/2023 12:14

@goodkidsmaadhouse It really upset me at the time but I rationalised it as him being stressed at having to look after me, the baby, all the housework, the 3 other DC…

YANBU!

Every Saturday 8am til 4pm?!?!?!

You need to be assertive. TELL him next Saturday you're going out with a friend for the day.

If he sneaks out I'd turn up at the golf course with the baby, hunt him down and hand the baby over.

You also need time to relax and he is being a selfish prick playing every Saturday.

Codlingmoths · 09/11/2023 21:08

Mariposista · 09/11/2023 14:38

Hmmnah that’s not good. You can’t really ask him to do less than what he did pre-you, but doubling it…sounds like he’s not that bothered about family.

Show quote history

You certainly can ask that if his children move in.

rookiemere · 09/11/2023 21:42

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 15:45

But do you work 10 hours a day or 10 hours a week? That make a huge difference. If you are working full time, then he needs to compromise - but if you are free 80% of the week to do your own thing, that puts an entirely different slant on it

Free to do her own thing with a baby in tow ?

OP only thing that will work is the go out on Sundays for a while. You have to be consistent and you need to make it a good few hours. You're doing it for long term family goals, it's the only way he'll appreciate what an arse he's being.

Theyvegotatrex · 10/11/2023 06:42

DH plays golf weekly and I think it’s brilliant BUT 1, he can do it during a week day, and 2, it doesn’t take him 8 HOURS!!! Max he’s away is 5 hours so early tee time means it doesn’t eat into the whole day.

How on earth is he away that long? Either he’s awful or he’s getting in two rounds which is very selfish. I’d be taking the kids up to the course and leaving them with him.

DanceMumTaxi · 10/11/2023 06:52

I agree OP, he’s being incredibly selfish, every other Saturday should be enough. He’s acting like a bachelor with a nanny/housekeeper at home rather than a wife. I’d be very pissed off too in your position.

aloris · 10/11/2023 06:55

When is your full day to go somewhere by yourself and "relax." He sounds awful, frankly.

Eddielizzard · 10/11/2023 06:57

I would book a few Sundays in a row, to go and do your thing as 'it's YOUR time to relax' and keep on. Him having to look after 4 kids every weekend might change his viewpoint

Singlespies · 10/11/2023 06:58

When I split up with my husband I gained so much time. He couldn't disappear all evening to tennis twice a week.

Anna79ishere · 10/11/2023 07:04

I understand you have e baby and work 10 hours, but I assume you don’t exclusively breastfeed as you are talking about leaving the baby for a spa. can you just take a babysitter during the week and have a one weeks day for you?
it does not solve the fact he won’t be him taking care of the 4 kids alone, so it won’t know how hard it is. For this you need to take Sunday off.
however, man can barely understand how hard it is to be at home with kids and they think they are entitled to rest time if their wife does not work or work really little outside the house. So you either show him by taking every Sunday off or work around and take time off during the week using a babysitter

Canisaysomething · 10/11/2023 07:14

Me and DH used to play sport all weekend pre kids. Neither of us do that now we have young kids because neither of us are arseholes. We both build in sport and relaxation in the week and weekend mornings only.

He needs to find other ways to relax and have a family like the rest of us.

Pipsquiggle · 10/11/2023 07:14

Just came here to say he is being a complete dickhead.

Original poster
Starbie · 10/11/2023 07:15

I could get babysitters or get family members to help out and I could do something midweek, but that’s not the point (in my opinion).

I’ve explained to my DP why playing golf each and every Saturday for the amount of time he does makes me unhappy. I’ve explained I don’t want to be left alone with all of the children every Saturday for hours, that I’d like us to have family time and be able to use Saturday for other things. I’ve offered the compromise of every other week, which I think is very, very reasonable given our circumstances… we have a two month old for gods sake. And DP seemingly doesn’t give a shiny shit.

We had an argument last night which resulted in me calling him selfish and we’re still not talking this morning. He’s reluctantly agreed I can use this Saturday to see my friend, but kicked up such a fuss (why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!) and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it.

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 10/11/2023 07:19

He just doesn’t sound like a good person. Ex wife is well shot of him. Stop being resentful - he won’t change, and split.

MonsteraMama · 10/11/2023 07:19

Don't let him spoil it for you OP, that's probably what he wants so you won't dare try and interrupt his precious golfing time again! Go, enjoy yourself, have a lovely time with your friend.

Honest to god I've told my husband if he ever takes up golf I'm divorcing him. I'm only partially joking.

YourNameGoesHere · 10/11/2023 07:19

Given your update I would genuinely look into splitting up. He sounds controlling, selfish, petulant and a shit father.

PrinceHaz · 10/11/2023 07:22

Don’t waste your precious energy arguing with him. It will do nothing as he can’t be reasonable. Direct your energy towards planning to leave.

laclochette · 10/11/2023 07:23

I feel like he's justifying his need for time to unwind because he has a demanding full-time job. Well, so do you - caring for a 2-month old. (Plus your pre-teen.) And that involves longer hours, and is every day of the week - it's certainly no less demanding than his job. Plus your 10 hours of work. Just because it isn't paid, doesn't mean it isn't work. To think otherwise is to massively disrespect the work - some of the most important work in the world! - of caring for a baby.

He needs to reframe that sharpish. If he can get his head around the fact that you BOTH work, therefore you BOTH have equivalent needs, he would be able to see that he doesn't have a greater need for time to relax that trumps yours.

It's important to have both time to ourselves and time as a family outside of work. If he wants to treat Saturday as "me time" and Sunday as "us time", it's not reasonable for him to be the only one who gets Saturday "me time". It needs to alternate, so he gets to golf sans kids every other Saturday and you get to do whatever you want sans kids on the alternate Saturdays.

Anything less is selfish, disrespectful and uncaring.

SecondUsername4me · 10/11/2023 07:23

He’s reluctantly agreed I can use this Saturday to see my friend, but kicked up such a fuss (why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!) and made me feel so terrible, It’s put a real dampener on it

Seeing as he doesn't appear to need your agreement every single Saturday, to take care of his 3 children in addition to your own, he has no fucking right to feel he has the authority to agree to looking after his own three children plus one of yours for one single day.

What a twat.