To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

He's a selfish arsehole. HTH.

What a selfish man!

A suggestion @Starbie ... Put 2 jars on the table, one for you, one for DH. Put 3 marbles in each jar. If he goes out for time to relax, he has to put one of the marbles from his jar into your jar. If you go out for time to relax, you put one of your marbles in his jar. If you don't have any marbles in your jar to spend, it isn't your turn to go out.

The baby is very small and needs to stay with you. But all the other kids, should be fair share of parenting between you and partner!!

His two kids moved in with you and now he has to go out for a full day every weekend to get some “me time” whilst you look after the baby and make lunch for his kids? Fuck that.

Funny on MN how men's jobs are ways very stressful while women's aren't.

Golf every weekend is not acceptable unless you have the same time to indulge in your own hobbies. My DH is a keen golfer but pretty much gave it up while ours were small, and I didn't have to say a word, because he's a caring man and a responsible parent. He also works long hours in his own business, but weirdly he looked forward to the weekends to spend time with his family!

Wonder why your husband's first marriage broke down?

This sounds like the sort of technique you’d employ to explain responsibility to a child. In reality OP is parenting 5 children not 4 - and she’s failing massively on the overgrown man baby

Absolutely every need imo on a site where opinions are asked and the poster berating me felt comfortable in so doing.

There was a reason to suggest teens could take care of their sibling and that was to give the OP a break in a situation where by her own admission her DH will not give up his golf for her. I guess it depends on the teens in question and how responsible and how old they are . I have a big age gap between mine and my oldest son was more than happy to look after his baby brother to help us out. Certainly he would have offered to help me if I was at my wits end as I this situation or responded had I asked for assistance.

That is really selfish, I agree OP. My DH absolutely loves golf, but he didn’t play for years when our two were really little. I encouraged him to take it back up when they were about 7&5.

Sounds like he’s opted out of family responsibilities. What a selfish man.

If he’s out all day, it’s not just a round of golf, is it? If it was just the game, the fresh air and the exercise he wanted, he could book the first tee time and be back home before the teenagers were out of bed. My DH is a golfer and regularly does this on his days off. I get a lay in and he’s home in time to go out for the day. Even the serious, obsessed golfers I know can get themselves back home by lunch time if they want to. What he’s doing is having a laugh with his golf mates, entering competitions, having lunch in the club house, having drinks after the round etc.

That’s not necessarily a problem if you’re getting the same time to yourself, and he’s making time for the family as well. Everyone needs a bit of downtime. But he is only thinking about himself here. When is your downtime? Or does he think that your contribution to the home is so little that you don’t need any time to yourself? Like he’s the only one that needs to unwind?

He’s being seriously selfish. Maybe ask him how he’ll manage to play golf when you explode, leave him and he has two young children to look after every other weekend.

Oh it’s a special kind of arsehole that thinks golf is an acceptable hobby when they have a young family. Amazed he’s not under the patio with his golf clubs. YANBU.

If he plays at 8, why is he there until 4? Even the slowest rounds are 5 hours maximum, and decent golf clubs are usually somewhere between 3-4 hours. I think he's sneaking in breakfast and quite a few beers in afterwards. Compromise here. If he plays at 8, he should aim to be home at lunchtime so that you can have the afternoon to do your thing, or spend time together.

Your DH is an arsehole, not to put too fine a point on it. I imagine he's one of these big important men with a Big Job that thinks having a baby is your hobby so of course you'd be fine for him to go off an do his hobby every weekend. Are you a SAH mum or are you on maternity from work? Both are equally valid, just wondering if it's always like this or if he thinks your off on 'holiday' so should be available for childcare 24/7...

He's taking the piss. My DH likes golf and also used to have a season ticket for a premier league football club. Both stopped when we had DD - now she's 5 and a bit easier, he goes to the occasional game and plays a round of golf maybe once every 4-6 weeks, and always checks if it's ok with me first. Next weekend he has a day out in London with his mates, the weekend after I'm travelling 2 hours away to visit my sister for the day.

I appreciate this is easier with only one DC but your DH needs to understand you need downtime too. What do you think he would say if you had it out with him?

Golf takes, at most, 4.5 hours. Why is he out all day?! There may be the odd competition where it's all day but every week for a full day is taking the proverbial.

Every other weekend sounds like a very reasonable compromise.

People in my family are keen golfers but this is really selfish and they wouldn't behave in this way.

Men and their bloody hobbies! My DH is into motorbikes, so at the weekends especially in good weather, at least one of the days is taken up with this activity. Sometimes whole weekends away.

Our two DCs are now late teens/early twenties so I am not impacted as much now, but when they were little, I got so fed up. Any question about what time would he be expected back was met with arguements about how he couldn't do anything with his life etc.

I see it time and time again - women have the children and men have their hobbies.

Sorry, OP not helpful but I totally symphathise.

I really don't think every weekend (barring special events/holidays etc. is a problem if he just got on with it and kept it to a half day, and made allowances for you to pursue your interests and you all to enjoy some time together. Honestly, in the time you've quoted he could play 2 rounds and still have time for pint.

Sounds like he didn't want the baby, never mind the teenagers. Never mind fantasising about an occasional spa trip. This needs a massive reset so he stops taking the piss and properly parents the children he's made. Choosing to have four kids means he doesn't get to please himself all day every Saturday, especially when one of them is 2months old and two aren't your DC to parent. This attitude where you end up running around doing everything because you feel bad for the kids is your downfall because he'll rely on that and do nothing. You need to lay it out to him in no uncertain terms or you'll be a doormat for as long as this marriage (if you are married?) lasts.

So the poor little lamb needs some 'me time' every bloody Saturday but he doesn't see that you need and deserve me time too. What does he think you do all week? Sit twiddling your thumbs?
I'd be having strong words with him!

Am I right in thinking that the 2 teenagers are his and that before they moved in full time he only played golf every other weekend as it was his contact time?
How do the teenagers feel about babysitting the pre-teen (who I assume is only a step-sibling)?
If fortnightly golf was fine before the it's fine now too - especially with a small baby in the mix. Your DH is a selfish arse and needs to stop prioritising his own needs above those of his children and wife.

Personally I’d leave the house early on Saturday before him. Turn phone off.

That’ll learn him.

I think if every other weekend worked OK(ish) for you before, then I’d definitely be telling (not asking) DP that’s what’s going to happen - especially with such a tiny baby. Taking out effectively every Saturday is massively unfair (you said you live rurally so sounds like it’s travel time, 4 hrs for a round, and then a longish lunch).

Can the teens help with preparing lunch to give you at least a bit of a break on golf days?

I'm afraid I'm wondering why you had another baby after a big gap with already 3 shared children, but that won't help you.

YANBU. He is being extremely selfish playing golf every Saturday.
Either go out at 6am to have some time with your friend or you have the Sunday. And as for family time - he doesn't care about that when he pisses off all day Saturday does he!
Fuming on your behalf OP. It's so unfair that men have 'stressful jobs' and need hobbies to relax and women just have to crack on looking after kids whilst working, fitting in housework and life admin. Sadly these kind of threads are very common on Mumsnet now (I'm no exception).

Please put your foot down, and I hope you get some time for yourself.

The OP hasn't suggested he shouldn't play at all. She's suggested every other weekend which seems eminently reasonable. He isn't being reasonable.

Why is he out for so long? My husband would play golf on a Sunday, he’d tee off at 7 and be back for 11 so think he’s taking the piss there as it doesn’t have to be an all day thing. I never minded him going as he was back early enough for us to do other things and we only have 1 child not 4 who is a dream to look after tbh.

My guess is the teens are his. The pre-teen is hers and they’re one of those couples that just HAS to have a baby together to validate their relationship no matter the age gap or issues it’ll cause. 😇