To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Of course YANBU. Unless you get the whole of Sunday child free for your hobby/seeing friends. And that assumes you’re happy with never having time as a family.

Of course you're not unreasonable. If he wants to golf every Saturday he can take the teens with him. Leaving you with all 4 kids for the whole day including a tiny baby is ridiculous!

He says we can have family time on Sunday. So everything has to be planned on a Sunday, again revolving around his golf. I’ve tried to explain, things shut early on a Sunday, its not always possible to do things only on a Sunday, we have to prepare for school and the week ahead etc. Also - when is my time alone to relax?!

I hope you can find a similar hobby so you can relax.

I used to resent my late husband's golf hobby, I'd be alone with the kids most Saturdays and sometimes on a Sunday. He had a very stressful job and when he died, on reflection, I realised he needed the relaxation at the weekends to face doing his very stressful job. I hope you can reach a compromise.

To be fair, the teenagers are old enough to be left by themselves. I still end up doing lunch for us all, tidying up after everyone, arranging something for us to do, or giving them lifts (we live very rurally) as I feel sorry for them just sitting around the house all Saturday.

I always look in these AIBUs as what would happen if you split up.

A) the teenagers wouldn't be your problem
B) you'd get more time off than you do now
C) he'd actually spend some time with his children when it was his weekend.

He sounds awful. I'm not suggesting this as a serious solution, but perhaps if you left the house from 8-4 every Sunday, he might change his ideas. More likely, the grandparents would be sought to help.

He needs to sort this out and you need some sleep.

When you DO get childfree time and a chance to relax? Or is that not something you need to have becuase you are a woman!?

The teens are sort of irrelevant to your plans EXZCEPT it certainly doesn't say good things about your DP - he promptly UPs his time away from the house the moment his teenagers are actually around? What a wanker.

What about the pre-teen?

So it was every other week but now you have his older DC living with you he needs to golf every week? He's taking the piss Op

God I just think golf should be made illegal, it's such a wanky hobby. Golf courses also have such an unnecessary environmental impact too. Just away with it all.

Time for you to take up an all day hobby on Sundays I think OP. Play him at his own game. Take up horse riding or sailing or cross country skiing or paintballing, whatever, just something that takes all day and requires him to sit at home like a mug all day like he expects of you.

If the teenagers are old enough to be left alone can they not look after the baby while you go for your coffee?

Sneak out Friday night, stay in hotel or with friends... spent Saturday with friends and relaxing.

If he objects, just tell him, you needed to unwind and some relaxing time!
Then come to a compromise, every other week it is golf/ your time and Sunday Family time!

Pre-teen isn’t old enough to be left by them self, but can be looked after by the older teens. That’s the expectation that will be on the 3 children if I want to meet my friend this Saturday, and I will just take the baby. I just think every other weekend is reasonable and I wouldn’t mind, I feel every Saturday is taking the piss.

Why should they though? The child is 2 months old and has 2 parents one of which seems to want to take no role in actually parenting. The teens shouldn't be used as childcare because their dad seems incapable of being a responsible adult.

@Spirallingdownwards I wouldn’t want to leave the teenagers with the baby. She’s very small and can be hard work - this morning she screamed for an hour solid - it wouldn’t be fair on them and I couldn’t relax worrying about them all.

do you work or get down time during the week?

Could he take his teens with him?

Could he take all the children with him every other week?

It takes 4 hours for two people to play an 18 hole round of golf. So he could do it in half that time surely, unless it's a long way away?

Also, golf courses are open on Sundays.

He just doesn't want to get bogged down in weekend commitments and responsibilities does he?

He could take the teenagers and pre-teen. Lucky them - spending hours on a golf course! It would still be monumentally selfish in my opinion. What’s wrong with every other week? It’s the fact it’s a hobby that literally takes ALL DAY too.

He could take the teenagers and pre-teen. Lucky them - spending hours on a golf course! It would still be monumentally selfish in my opinion. What’s wrong with every other week? It’s the fact it’s a hobby that literally takes ALL DAY too.

@Whatineed He goes in a big group and they all compete against each other. He also goes for drinks afterwards with the same group. Just infuriating.

The more I write, the more I want to book that spa night for myself on Friday!!

Golf doesn't take all day, so that's double piss taking. Is he spending all afternoon in the clubhouse bar as well? at the very least he doesn't get to do both. He either plays in the morning and comes home at lunchtime, or you go shopping on Saturday morning while he looks after DC and golfs in the afternoon.

I think I already know the answer to this, but I might as well ask, how often does he care for the baby by himself and when is your 'time to relax'?

It doesn't take all day though, he's choosing to make it last all day because he knows you'll just bend over look after the kids and ferry them all around.

Honestly he won't change unless you give him no choice. As a previous poster said if you split up you'd actually get more free time, it's worth thinking seriously about that prospect.

Just a suggestion so she could get her break.

Calm down dear.

No need for the patronising calm down nonsense. It's an illogical suggestion to say the teens should look after a 2 month old baby so the OP can get a break when the child has another parent and I doubt many parents would be comfortable leaving teens in charge of such a young baby.

Can see why it didn't work out with his ex given how selfish he is

If he can't see that he's being selfish then you have two options - leave or put up with it

Hi is being incredibly selfish. Put your foot down OP.