To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

@rookiemere
Clearly these 2 people have very different expectations and points of view. There seems to be a lack of compatibility. It is unfortunate that they have discovered this after having a child, but that is often the case.

The OP should do what partners do when they discover themselves to be incompatible. They do not need to play equalizer or get even games. That is beyond childish. They simply need to say that the relationship is not working and to go their separate ways. They can then create the life that they each wish to have.

Bizarre, never heard of this or met anyone with this view, so not ‘many’ if ‘any’.

OP is being ‘open and honest’, her DH isn’t listening.

It is very unreasonable for women to ‘do most of the care’, and is undesirable for an advanced society.

Why don’t you take this up with your husband ?

Do you read? SHE HAS

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago

I knew from the off that it'd be about his children.

It'd be a hard NO from me and I wouldn't get into any deep discussion or detailed explanations as to why, either. I wouldnt be inconveniencing myself going out of the house at 6am. I mean what time would get up to be able to do that, 4.30am?!

Tell him the score, ask what changes he's prepared to make, and base your next actions upon his answer.

Good luck with the children tho. He cant even be bothered with his own 2, and theyre not even little ones. His ex must be breathing a sigh of relief that the shirking, entitled s.o.b. isn't her problem anymore

Yes I did READ but surely she needs to reach a soloution with him ? Not mumsnet

If that’s your view, then why does anyone post anything on here? Or any site anywhere? Including you?

I never ask questions that I know others can’t resolve that’s the difference - browse the titles and offer advice if practical

here it’s an issue between the Op and her partner so only they can resolve it

I don’t create the threads and try to resolve my own problems where I can

posting for entertainment is different or something that interests me free to post when ever I like

I got bored with this one but as you asked will respond

Yes, you're being unreasonable! Bloody hell, have you ever tried golf? The hole is so far away, and you've got to try and use the right stick to get that little ball into it. And not just once: eighteen bloody times! And the poor fella has to do it every week?? Nightmare!

Thats a bit extreme at this stage. I imagine OP doesn’t want a divorce just yet! OP you need to teach him a lesson. I got fed up of ‘holding the baby’ and stormed out one night so he had to cancel his plans and stay in. I suggest you do the same “sorry love, I told you it was my turn this week, see yah”. If that doesn’t work refuse to do any childcare for his children. Explain to them, if you need to, that their dad is being selfish, you love them etc but you are teaching him a lesson about responsibility.
I told my DH he could play golf every day when he retires. Right now he needs to enjoy his children and not miss out on this life stage, that he will never get back. He actually cancelled his expensive membership in the end (his choice, I might add, although he did managed a stint as a cheap local golf club after Covid due to changes in work patterns, which I insisted on as he was getting under my feet 😆). He said he will go part time in next couple of years, which is fine by me.

Loan a horse and take up horse riding. It will teach you to be as selfish as a man without actually making you selfish. Horses need an incredible amount of time and money, that you will actually want to spend on them. Its also exercise and there is always more to learn (good for the brain). You will no longer care what your husband is doing providing you have enough childcare to fit in riding. The horse chores can be done with a baby. You wont care about house chores because you will be to busy with the horse and spend no time at home anyway.

Love this!

He is:

1. Avoiding his responsibilities to you and to his childrten
2. Being monumentally selfish

My response to "why did my friend HAVE to plan it for Saturday when that’s his golf time?!" would be "Why do you expect everyone, both inside and outside our family, to plan their lives around your golf and what you want? Why do you think that your wants take precedence over everybody else's? If you are not willing to com promise on this then you might as well start getting used to your wants being compromised for you"

If Saturday is his day off, then I guess you should have every Sunday off 8-4. Even the night...