To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Why does it take him 8-4 every week? DH played golf while staying with friends three hours away, teed off at 7 and he was still back before your husband. Did the teens realised he’d go out of his way to avoid them before moving in?

Exactly what I was thinking, @ArseInTheCoOpWindow!

It’s really very simple, every 8 hour block of solo time he gets, you get an 8 hour block as well. Ask to sit down with the calendar and figure out how it is going to work. No, yours does not get to be chopped up into 20 minute blocks while he “watches the baby” so you can do things like shower. He gets that time too. No, you won’t be getting up an hour early to get some time for yourself, sacrificing much needed sleep. This is solid, uninterrupted recreation time that you should get in at least 2 hour blocks.

My friend had a DP who put golf before his wife and child he is now her husband ex. This sort of attitude is just selfish on his part.

When does he start the post golf drinking? If it's at the same place every week I'd be tempted to drop all the kids off there then head off for your me time once you know he has them.

Or perhaps Saturday on a golf course won't be fun for kids yes, but just do it. Drop them off. All the kids. If the little one starts screaming he'll have to stop his game and do some bloody parenting. Should sharpen his mind somewhat, and maybe your suggestion of every other Saturday won't seem so bad after all! He has absolutely no incentive to stop being a selfish bastard, you need to give him one.

Can't believe he binned you off for golf after your c section as well, what a dick.

I feel really sorry for his older children too. Why did they come to live with you? As a rule, a complete change in living arrangements like this is not usually just "because" but involves some emotional upset, even if everyone agrees it's the best thing. But having them there is SOOOOOO hard for him, he has to decamp for half of the weekend?!

And that's not even counting the wankerness of his behaviour to you that many many others on this thread have eloquently and frequently highlighted.

I was this soldier, albeit with smaller kids. For you it’s the range of ages that is particularly hard.
He needs to find the Home Before Twelve (HBT) gang. It’s a sub culture in every golf club. They book the first tee time, eat bacon sarnies on the way (often a little hut or handy way to slip back into the club house) and are gone by noon or thereabouts .
Then you can arrange a whole afternoon away to meet friends, do fitness etc.

I'd put my foot down and tell him I am going out with my friend childfree this weekend. And leave early.

I love KR, and this is a very funny clip. But in her husbands defence, he is the SAHP and she is the WOHP so actually, his golf day is the equivalent of OP taking a Saturday spa day to herself and her dh having the kids every Saturday.

I agree with others the first stage is to tell him you will be having equivalent childfree time every week. Stick to it, even if you end up hanging around at coffee shops or even sitting on your phone in the car! I mean hopefully you'll find something better to do but at the start it's the principle. Bet it won't take many Sundays on his own with 4 kids before he realises how crap it is for you every week. When he (hopefully) realises this is unworkable for family life, you may be able to discuss again and agree to a more sensible schedule for both of you to do your own thing, but also have family time together. Of course if he fights against it and still thinks the current situation is fair and appropriate because you have a vagina, then you've got yourself a misogynistic narcissist I'm afraid. Then it's a LTB.

He's being selfish for sure, but in some ways I can see his point. He works full time and has a busy and demanding home life. He wants a day to himself.
OP would like the same but there's only 2 days in the weekend, so that's not going to work.
Can you make time for yourself/your friends in the week? Perhaps the baby could go to nursery for a day or two every week?
Regarding the teens - do they need lifts? Are they going places? Any buses at all? You don't need to plan your time around theirs always. Saturday could be the day they catch up on homework, chill out. Dad could drop them off/pick them up either side of golf.
It's hard with a small baby but they won't always be tiny.
Don't fall into the trap of tit for tat behaviour around time or childcare but if your DH is inflexible on Saturdays then have some boundaries of your own. Meet your friends on Sundays sometimes and DH can have all of the kids for family time. If he struggles to cope, the extra practice will help.

18 holes of golf - 5 hours tops? Where is he the rest of the time whilst you look after his kids like the hired help but for free?

Absolutely not acceptable. His kids are there for him to parent, so he needs to parent them!

he is totally taking the piss.

His children just moved in!! Your reaction to your children moving in is to tell your wife it’s her fucking problem as more people in the house means you really need more me time? I suspect when you look at that angle you wouldn’t because you’re not actually a shitty parent and partner like this man is. He can have his family days with his children, the op deserves fuck off and claim her me time.

Fuck that shit. he needs to grow up and stop being a selfish prick.

I think I’d either just leave the house before he does every other Saturday and let him deal with the problem (which I predict would involve him engaging a female relative care for his baby), or claim back my opportunity to relax at just about the point each day that I would normally be cooking his dinner, washing his pants, driving his kids about or having sex with him.

I am raging for you OP!

But what is it about some men, who clearly think this behaviour is acceptable?

Imagine, the shoe was on the other foot and wife/mum/woman cleared off out of it every single Saturday, purely to do their 'hobby', leaving her husband to look after her 2 kids from a previous relationship, plus another child and their 2 month old baby? Who knows any woman/women who do this? I don't know any woman who has done or would even do this because they genuinely believe that it wouldn't be fair on their partner to do it.

OP, he is clearly doing it since his 2 teenagers moved in, to avoid spending time with them/having family time which is utterly selfish and I dread to think what his kids think of him. Hope he doesn't expect them to be around for when he needs help in his old age!

I don't know how you can even speak to him when he comes back from his precious 'relaxing' time...I would be so fucking raging at him I'd probably have the strength to bend his golf clubs into S shapes!! 😂

Regarding the teens - do they need lifts? Are they going places? Any buses at all? You don't need to plan your time around theirs always. Saturday could be the day they catch up on homework, chill out

Do you have teens? Saturday is never homework day. Why should op look after her husbands children ?

Have you posted about him before @Starbie? The bit about him sending by relatives round to look after you post-section while he was golfing rings a bell (although depressingly it could be any number of other useless husbands mentioned on here🥺).

So sorry you’re having to deal with this ♥️

I'd be asking him why he's unhappy with his kids moving in and how damaging that is it them.

Fathers are capable of watching their own baby for a few hours. Baby isn't going to be damaged if Mom pops out for a relax for a few hours

How horrid for his children, the teens - they probably feel neglected by both parents

Yes it’s selfish. No parent I know with children (especially a new born) gets to do what they want one whole day every weekend. You give up that luxury when you decide to have children. Me & DP probably do one thing each a month, with agreement. You need to tell him, don’t let this eat you up.

He says we can have family time on Sunday...Also - when is my time alone to relax?!

What's his response when you say this?

Agree!