To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

Take Sundays off 8am-4pm to go somewhere that you "want to go for unwinding purposes"

It is only fairl

The thing is a round of golf doesn’t take this long.

His attitude towards you has obviously changed as you have stated.

He’s not being fair or kind.

If he is so unwilling to change this hobby and reduce its impact on family life, how are you going to find a way forward with the resentment building?

He can def play golf in half the time, my dh goes out at 7 and is back around lunch time. I have no issues at all with him playing golf often multiple times a week in the summer, leaving me with the 3 kids. Keeps him sane, he works hard and needs to get out. Only becomes an issue if I need a break and don’t get one.

I think you should say for his kids sake you are considering separating, they will get more time with him when he loses his live in slave so can’t piss off for half of every weekend.

In a way I think yes let him golf if he's earning alot of money and having children is both of yours choices their should be a line drawn though staying out all day and leaving you to it isn't fair either I think I would just say your going out for a change and that's that

Having his older children who are not the ops was clearly not a mutual decision they both made.

Golf... is selfish.

It takes half to all day. It is the preserve of the childless, those who can incorporate it into their working day, and the retired with adult kids who have left home long ago.
Trying to fit regular golf into a family life is spectactularly selfish.

I really don’t understand why everyone is saying golf is selfish? Have I missed something here. I want my husband to get on the golf course, get some fresh air, clear his mind from work crap, catch up with whoever he plays with or just have some time to himself.

This. Golf itself isn’t selfish, him taking ALL day and seeing it from your point of view is selfish.

Sorry, I think I posted in the wrong place as I didn't quote who I was replying to.

Yes it's selfish and lazy!

Have some empathy to the poster and to the many women who have posted similar comments. Your comment sounds rather smug.

Or at least I read it like that. Maybe i am being over sensitive

Because she's left to look after 4 children on her own every single Saturday all day. I doubt she gets a whole day to herself every week. He needs to prioritise his family. You can still have hobbies. He can surely golf less!

Sounds to me like this guy moved his kids into your house because he has a built in nanny.

He seems uninterested in being a partner and uninterested in being a parent… I’d kick him the fuck out so that he can live his bachelor lifestyle somewhere else.

Men can’t just buy their partners stress, exhaustion, loneliness, and career progression by earning more money.

that is an outdated and sexist point of views.

Sorry, not trying to come across smug. I’m just saying my husband is seriously less grumpy when he gets out to play golf and I’m more likely to get a break myself because he then gets involved with the kids more instead of being grumpy and needing to get out. I’m at home with my 3 little ones all day and he works a lot with business trips away so I totally understand how mental it is and how it could he seemed as unfair for him to play golf. And OP’s husband def takes the piss with looooooooooooooong golf day, I’m just saying maybe if he shortened his golf times it would be more manageable as a family because he needs a break from work just as much as she does .. in a non offensive non smug way!

Of course they can’t, the stresses of men and women are different no matter what roles they take within the family and actually everyone deserves a break/hobby to keep sane. everyone’s plate is full and stresses take over no matter what that plate is full with ‘work or kids etc’ it’s still a full plate!

Sounds to me like this guy moved his kids into your house because he has a built in nanny.

This - sadly. He moves his kids in, then increases his golfing ‘commitments’. Absolutely priceless!

Could you explain how men and women’s stress is different?

Because it sounds like you’re accidentally being a bit sexist there.

Also just wondering when this guys partner gets her time away from everyone to reduce her stress - because he’s explicitly stated she’s not allowed that.

Bloody hell, I’m not accidentally being sexist at all. Weather you have equal jobs, or someone is a stay at home parent or works part time or neither of you work, even if there’s two women or two men or three women in the house, everyone has a different role and everyone as an individual human has a different stress limit and ability to take on and deal with things. Everyone has a plate and it takes different things to fill that plate and no one has a right to say anything otherwise.

you’re trying to find offence in what I’m saying where actually I’m being inclusive. Just because I’m not husband bashing perhaps!

“Individual people have different stresses” is not the same as “men and women have different stresses.” One is not sexist, one is.

Regardless - OP wants time away from all four kids to spend with her friends. Her partner is not allowing it despite him insisting he requires that every week. There’s no “husband bashing” here, only lots of people agreeing that the husband is a total ass and isn’t behaving appropriately for a decent adult.

Irrespective of male/female stress levels, I would not tolerate the ‘teenagers arriving/golf increasing’ situation

Think everyone else has said it all.

Beating the golf nonsense can be done, my husband was of the idea he could incorporate this into our weekend routine. But he did it on the proviso he’d only ever play very early because that’s the only time I’d stomach and do nine holes so he could be back to have family time by lunchtime. He likes a lie in so it’s stopped and he hasn’t played for years. Good. It takes up way too much time and you don’t have kids to never bloody see them and leave it all to your wife.

I think some men need education that it takes two people to make a child and both of those parents should step up and not be selfish arseholes.

Be harsh with him, leave all day Sunday for a ‘hobby’ until the selfish fucker sees the light, that’s my advice.

I’d take every Sunday from 8am to 4pm to myself and leave him with the kids. Fair is fair. If he isn’t interested in family time I wouldn’t be arsed about it either. Just spend Saturdays doing something fun for the kids and then you can have Sunday to yourself all day.