To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

A round of golf takes 4 hours on the course, so assuming he has 30 minutes drive there and back he's spending a nice 3 hours for lunch and in the bar afterwards. How about you have from 4pm to midnight for yourself? You can start with a swim, yoga or what ever and then meet your mates for a meal/ drinks/ cinema/ theater and then onto a club. Rock up home at midnight and share the early morning child care in the night / next morning. Only fair.. !!!

I literally have no idea how people find themselves in these types of situations, it's like we haven't moved on from the 1940's.
I think it's completely find if your husband wants to go to golf every Saturday, as long as everyone if happy with that arrangement, however, the fact he is point blank refusing to miss something he does regularly so that you can do something you rarely do speaks volumes.

For example, I have plans every Monday, my husband takes our son to yoga, but if my husband said "a friend has invited me out in Monday night." I would give up my plans without hesitation.

In all honesty from what you've said, in regards to the general lack of support, your husband sounds like a right part.

My DH was still on hand when DDs were only 2 months old, such a tiny baby!

What on earth that he’s lost interest in her already, wee soul, but then he’s hardly parenting the existing ones either so no surprise.

We work as a team or it just doesn’t work. Gold isn’t the issue here, your entitled, selfish DH is.

It’s only going to build as an issue if you can’t find a way forward.

You sound so nice. Please accept my apologies for suggesting any smugness. I was in a foul mood this morning (not an excuse).

I hope you had a good time with your friend today

I havent RTFT however i have formerly worked with men going to “play golf”…..
well one of my former colleague is now married to the “golf player” (their shagging time was while he was “playing golf” while married to his first wife). He isn’t the only one I know either.

I‘m assuming your DP has good points or you wouldn’t be with him. But he sounds entirely selfish, entitled, & self-absorbed. I’m amazed he found two women to have kids with.
Do his teens know he changed to weekly golf because they moved in? Can I ask why he split up with their Mum?
Hope you can sort something with him soon or you will get more resentful & this will turn into a massive issue. Good luck.

Both OH and I play golf, we tend to split the weekend into 4 quarters and both golf on a quarter and then have the other 2 for family or other things that crop up. A round plus travel and a quick drink should be maximum 6 hours. It means an early start but it’s our compromise and generally works .
I read out 8-4 to my OH and he laughed out loud- far too long!

The more I read this thread the more is smacks of golf being the OW. He’s so much less stressed when he returns - it’s because he feels guilty briefly for having been with the other woman all day.

Oh and his golf pals will vouch for him.

Hope it’s not the case but……yeah…..

Whose kids are they?

Do you really, really want things to change? I think the only way is if you make the changes. Otherwise everything will stay the same.
1st. Stop clearing up after everyone on Ssturday. Make it crystal clear what each child's responsibilities are and stick to it. Ignore tantrums. You're in charge.

2nd. Take half of Sundays for yourself. So there's still time for the Ready for next week stuff.
But for a few hours, go out. On your own.
Meet a friend, go for a walk,or a drive. Or take up golf! Whatever you feel like.
There will be more tantrums. But discussion hasn't worked. So stay calm and go out. Leave him with all the children. Explain nicely that if it's OK for him, it is OK for you. You are equal partners, yes?
Time he acted like it.
Also, calculate how many hours you work in the week. So 10 paid job hours, plus all the other work ; childcare, shopping, cooking, housework, etc. Add up every minute, then you're ready to reasonably counter the But I go to work argument.
Good luck!

I actually divorced my husband because of golf. I had two small children at home and he became the 3rd child.

Oh no worries at all. You’ll see by my original message being posted at stupid o’clock prob 3am because my 3rd child DOES NOT SLEEP.. so maybe I didn’t word my comments very well. (I seemed to cause offence to some people)

Hope OP had a good day and doesn’t leave her husband like some people seem to think the solution is (unless he is horrible and abusive and a total dickwod)

I think you need to lay it out for him. If he continues you will not be able to stay in the marriage as you get no time off. If you split he will have the dc every weekend or half the week and every second weekend. Either way you will get time off and he will get a fuck of a lot less golf than every second weekend

So he isn't at available ....ever? He works full time and on saturday he goes out with his friends. On sunday he'll be fysically present but you do all the work? Maybe there is a reason he was divorced before, and probably it's not the reason he's told you.

I'd love to get his first wife's take on why they are divorced. Bet it is substantially different from the reasons he gave the OP.

Selfish man and a poor father.

I know that it's unfair but, if you want your marriage and family life to be happy and successful, I wouldn't push it. Mum is always left with the baby I'm afraid, but trying to restrain a golf mad partner isn't usually successful.
Unfair? Certainly. But true.

Yes, hopefully OP got her day off and he'll soon see the error of his ways.
Sorry your child keeps you awake. I'm a poor sleeper so totally empathise. All the best

How does a round of golf take that long. We had an arrangement that golf was 8am, so he was home at lunch time, and we still had the rest of the day, or I could do something in the afternoon. 8am till 4 for too long.

… so when is your time to unwind and relax?

I had one like that. He’s now my ex.
Tell his teens that they have to pitch in, at the very least their own laundry and keeping their room(s) clean and tidy. Don’t be tempted to clear up, if they want to live in squalor shut the door and let them.
It’s hard for you with a young baby, but I certainly would be planning to leave.

I would resent him so much, just gets a Saturday off every week and you need to ask for one Saturday to meet your friend and he goes in a mood? What a selfish prick

Holy shit

You know the answer to this, he's a selfish AH and needs a good talking to!

No! Golf takes 3/4 hours max. All the golfing dads I know get home straight after. As a dad he’s lucky to get 4 hours off a week. With 2 teens and a pre-teen a proper dad would be taking them to golf lessons and encouraging them out on the course by playing with his children. Your partner is using golf as an excuse to avoid childcare, gardening and housework. Insist he takes all 3 older kids to golf every Saturday afternoon. Or stays with the little one while you do golf lessons with the 3 older kids.