To think golf EVERY WEEKEND is selfish?!

[Starbie]

I’m really at the end of my tether with DPs golf hobby. We have four children between us, two of which are teenagers, one a preteen, and a 2 month old baby.

Prior to the teenagers living with us, DP would play golf every other Saturday. It lasts from 8am until 4pm. This worked well as it meant I could also organise child free time on the weekends, or we could have family time.

DPs teenagers moved in with us a few months ago, and DP has now decided he needs to play golf every Saturday as it’s his time to relax. This means I am left with children, sometimes four of them, every single Saturday. I do all of the childcare and night feeds for our baby during the week, despite also working myself (albeit only 10 hours). This weekend, my friend has invited me shopping for a few hours on Saturday morning, but as that’s DPs golf time, he’s insisting I take the baby with me. Sometimes our little one can be a real pain - this morning she cried for an hour in the car - so it won’t be relaxing for me or give me time to catch up with my friend. I rarely ever see friends, and when I do, I almost always have a child in tow.

I’ve suggested a compromise of every other Saturday for golf, but DP says I am unreasonable as he needs time to unwind and relax! I’m just pissed off and starting to feel resentful. He does work hard and earns a lot of money, but I honestly feel like sneaking out on Saturday at 6am so I can see my friend in peace.

If she leaves him and still has the baby most weekends she won't be resenting some selfish tosser, though. She also might have every other weekend child free when the baby is a bit older.

I would say to him that golfing on Saturdays is fine and you don’t have a problem with him doing his hobbies (as I suspect he probably thinks you don’t want him to do what he wants) - but that you are with the kids 24/7 and need a break too, so could he please take the kids on another day so that you’re able to have that break.

Honestly, the more resistant people become to each other, the more resentful they are of each other. The key thing of this is compromise. You both need to be compassionate of what each of you wants without trying to deprive the other.

I don’t see a problem with him needing a day to himself to let off some steam. I think the timing is quite… well… cheeky… and he might well be trying to have his cake and eat it.

but you also can’t fight fire with fire.

Also what is the point in arguing? It’s not going to make this situation any more enjoyable!

I understand your frustration and I know you feel taken advantage of. I know you don’t feel like he’s there.

But I do truly find that men are a lot more receptive when a) there is no arguing, b) you frame it in a way they can understand better, and c) you don’t try to take anything away from them.

so if I was in your situation, I wouldn’t stop your partner going to golf. If anything I would encourage them to let off some steam. But I would ask that in return, they understand I need to let off steam too, whether this is a day on Sunday to myself, or even seeing if he could WFH one day a week and help look after the baby at the same time.

I think you just need to let him know in a gentle, non-confrontational way that this is too much for you, and remind him that you are with 4 children 24/7 and need an escape every once in a while.

I would hope - if he is receptive at this point - that you will get a bit of a break.

I just know when I’ve tried to sort things with arguments, it’s never gone anywhere. But I feel my partner is quite receptive afterwards. We’re always very open and honest and quite vulnerable with each other, but we never deprive each other of doing anything. It’s so so important - especially when you have children - that you still have something to do that you love. It just shouldn’t come at the expense of your relationship so you have to navigate this somehow in a way that will make your partner listen and behave less pigheaded. If that makes any sense?

Ah so when you met his kids were living with their mum and you had one kid? So he didn’t have to parent his own children and he thought he wouldn’t have to parent your child as they are your responsibility, but now you have a child together AND his kids are living with you so he has to run away from his responsibilities every Saturday leaving you with his kids as well? I’d be letting his kids do their own thing unless they wanted to do what you were doing (they are teenagers) and taking the two youngest out for some fun on Saturdays and then taking the whole of Sunday for my own hobby and if I didn’t have one, I’d take up bloody golf.

Live the life you want to have.

Every Saturday have the best days. Take it in turn with the kids and you to decide what Saturday adventures will be. Make them fun and fantastic. Your weekend will be one in 4 where you will meet friends for lunch and they will have babe in pram with them for lunch in a different location nearby.

Life is way too short to harbour sadness and resentment and kids grow up way too quickly. Sunday will need to be study, clean house and home cooked family meal. A family day. But that’s real family and they will love being prioritised on Saturday. Create amazing memories. Then if dad decides to join great but if not it is still great.

So your husband punishes you and your children by being grumpy when he doesn't get his own way. Does that work the other way around? Do you get to be grumpy about not getting regular time to yourself outside the house? How often does he relieve you of your mum duties?

What about his commitment to his children? Are you not concerned that after being away all the time, the only way he can be with his kids is to have more time away from them?

2 of the kids aren’t hers. Every Sunday from 8am to 8am on the Monday would be fair. Which is what I would do. You need to make it really really clear that screwing you over is not. Going. To. Work and is in fact going to backfire terribly for him.

Are you serious?

Id just tell him to get to fuck.

Sorry, not trying to come across smug. I’m just saying my husband is seriously less grumpy when he gets out to play golf and I’m more likely to get a break myself because he then gets involved with the kids more instead of being grumpy and needing to get out. I’m at home with my 3 little ones all day and he works a lot with business trips away so I totally understand how mental it is and how it could he seemed as unfair for him to play golf. And OP’s husband def takes the piss with looooooooooooooong golf day, I’m just saying maybe if he shortened his golf times it would be more manageable as a family because he needs a break from work just as much as she does .. in a non offensive non smug way!

@MrsMcvities so your husband get to opt out of childcare so he's less grumpy, got it. I can't believe what some people put up with.

You can’t change people.

You can change how you frame it and respond to it.

This would be my way hence suggestion.

A little bit of my heart would slip away every time he didn’t care about me.

His loss.

in the meantime creating great memories and lovely connections with the kids is great for them and their souls.

Imagine if she feels like this how those poor kids feel. Moved to Dads and he can’t be bothered.

That is so selfish of him. You maybe do 10 hours paid work but your time looking after the children and doing the housekeeping is looked on as of no value. Sadly a very common attitude by very many men nowadays.

I'm so sorry for you and so sorry for his kids. They have to spend the whole weekend with a father who actively avoids them and a frazzled step mother.

He might be a big earner with a stressful job, but you're working part time with a tiny baby - why aren't you on maternity leave, if he's so successful surely he can support you while you're on maternity leave?

It sounds like he's found a housekeeper and childminder, who pays her own way. How would your life not be better without him?

@N0Childrenyet come back and say that when you've got 3 live-in stepchildren and a baby and your partner happily fucks off you for a full day of "me time" every single week, leaving you with no rest time at all.

@ReadingSoManyThreads
The OP has 2 step children the 3 older child is her child but not her husband's child.

These are both adults who brought children to the marriage. Both knew what it was like to have a new born prior to having the baby. Both knew or should have known whether they were prepared to provide the parenting time required before they had this baby. This baby did not bring any new or unique needs.

They can either address the situation as it exists or spend countless hours and much frustration on talking about how it should be.

In reality , this situation sounds like a situation with experienced parents who both had moved well beyond the baby stages giving it a second try without realizing that they might love the baby but not the requirements and adjustments that would need to be made.

Ultimately, does the OP want some me time or does she want to punish the husband for having found his me time?

Paying for a sitter would provide her with me time. The 2 teenagers probably find dad's parenting gives them access to adequate resources and not much supervision , and from a teenage perspective they are probably satisfied. The OP does not say if her older child is there full time, so it is hard to say what his or her feelings might be. However, there is not much reason for the OP to feel that the presence of his older children is restrictive . They are old enough to manage food on their own, and old enough to be directed to dad if they need Saturday transportation.

The OP has yet to come back and say that they cannot afford a sitter when needed.

This! 100%

Mine plays golf but takes the kids now they’re older so he’s out and interacting with them. That’s normal, this isn’t.

Leaving at 6am is the best option

@barbiedout
Why should an adult live her life as though it is a game? Why in the world would she just not schedule a sitter and be done?

Schedule a sitter for a 2 month old?

Good suggestion 🥴

Do the kids ever spend time with other family? Parent/grandparent?

@barbiedout
Where do you live such that a newborn cannot have a sitter? Many wealthy families have nannies and sitters from day one. Many sitters prefer looking after infants because their needs are easily met.

It's really not normal

Has the golfing always been this important @Starbie

Ah, all sorted then! The OP just needs to hire a nanny. Why didn’t I think of that?

But the dad is able to provide care for the baby. He is just choosing not to. Nanny won't solve that.

How was your day out today OP?

@NearlyMonday
If the OP wants occasional time out with friends which was her initial complaint, hiring the occasional or as needed Saturday sitter is quite a reasonable solution.

If she wants a more compatible husband, then she might need to start by engaging a solicitor.

Either step, may bring her closer to what she claims to want.