To be so disheartened? I’ve left it too late.

[Lostcause999]

I’m 40, 2dc, single mum.

Im in a basically minimum wage job that I was lucky to get given my lack of experience and poor skills.
I’m overqualified (academically) for some things but because I got those qualifications 20 years ago they’re irrelevant in anything that is above minimum wage. I stupidly stopped working when I had my oldest dc, went back briefly in between them and then unexpectedly fell pregnant with my second dc. And again - stupidly - had three years out and stayed home with her.
This has left me largely unemployable. I’ve no money or time to retrain so I’m stuck.
Im too old for a career now. I’m feeling really disheartened that I’ve wasted my life like this and will never have achieved anything worthwhile or interesting.

I don't think you're too old for a career. Have you looked at finances if you were to go back to Uni? You used to (and may still do) get some funding as a single parent.

OK, some careers are not really that feasible at this stage. But there are plenty of people who retrain in their 40s and go on to progress and thrive in meaningful work and careers. My mum was one of them.
How old are your kids? What are your qualifications? What kind of things have you already looked into and have you explored what financial help you could be entitled to while retraining?

Meh. I've always worked. Not minimum wage. And also feel like I haven't achieved anything worthwhile- but I missed out on all my kids early years.

How old are your kids? How much family support do you have? What type of qualifications do you have?

You have nearly 30 years of working life left, so it isn't too late at all. You need to formulate a career plan to work your way up - perhaps join a large organisation where there will be multiple progression paths. Your qualifications, no matter how old, show capability even if not directly relevant to a role. You could even consider an apprenticeship where you'd have the opportunity to study for further qualifications.

Wasn't it worthwhile having children?

Contact JobCentrePlus. They have careers advisors.

I didn't get a 'proper' job until I graduated at 49. I was 45 going to university. Its not too late.

It’s definitely not too late. I got back in to a new career after having a lot of time out. There’s loads of free training you can do online. You may have to progress up a bit over a few years, but definitely go for it.

what are you interested in?

What sort of work do you do? Is there scope for promotion to team leader, manager, area manager etc and to forge a career that way? You don’t necessarily need to retrain or to have more qualifications: my brother started as a checkout boy and got himself up the ranks through being constantly noticed for his brilliant customer service, attitude, work ethic and initiative. He’s now a regional stores manager for Waitrose - great pay and perks and really enjoys what he does. Minimum wage now doesn’t necessarily have to mean minimum wage forever, what you lacked in experience when you started you’ll have gained along the way.

The deputy headteacher at our local school went back to work as a TA at 40, then moved on to being a cover supervisor, then did 'on the job' training to become a teacher and was qualified by 44, and now at 52 is the deputy headteacher.

40 is not too old! You still have over 20 years of work to go!

So many options for 'on the job' training in the NHS too - take a look at their website. Nurse apprenticeships are one thing that comes to mind.

My work does apprenticeships which come with qualifications while being on a relatively good wage and you do come out up the ladder - what do you want to do? What are your qualifications? What were your roles pre dc?

Ps where in the UK are you based?

Do you have a degree, and in what subject?

I've known ex-SAHMs retrain as teachers (I'm a teacher). It's tough going but (imo) no more than if you were a fresh graduate.

If you have a degree in a shortage subject (eg science, maths), or are fluent in another language, you'll find a training place easily. Lots of training-while-working jobs available now.

Is there opportunity for progression in your current job? If you retrain or go to uni at night even? I retrained for a new career at 35. But plenty of people with me at uni were older, some in their 50s. I’ve been plodding along since then while the kids at school, working in the new field but only part time, and taking the full time permanent plunge next year at 42. So it feels like I’m starting my career then.

I went back to work after 12 years at home with kids around the same age as you OP. My qualifications were pre kids and as I got pregnant with my first at the end of my course I had no experience in a job using them.

I did another short course to qualify me to work in the same industry but at entry level. I was then able to get a job using my actual degree and after a year advanced further. I’m currently training graduates some of whom are older then me so it really is not to late

Definitely not too old. Look into joining the civil service

I have a primary teaching qualification and taught for 6 years before the kids but it was now 14 years ago so I don’t think it counts?
Ive got a degree, but again, 20 years ago, so it’s not really relevant anymore.
All the things I look at want experience in loads of things I don’t have - I’m looking at sort of family support type roles / roles with charities.
Im a team lead at the moment but my team is only 7 people so it’s not very impressive.
There’s nowhere to go in my current organisation. I have my parents but they are elderly and my mum isn’t well. They do a lot already really.
I feel caught in a loop of despair at being so old in terms of having a career and then thinking well I won’t get any younger than this!

And no, fundamentally, the time with my kids wasn’t worthwhile. Plenty of my friends put their dc in childcare at 6 months and their dc are doing just as well, or better, than mine are. So I question how much benefit it was to mine to have me at home. Someone else would have done just as good a job I think. Maybe better!

Something in counselling? Social policy or even criminology maybe might work with charity work too?

Im a team lead at the moment but my team is only 7 people so it’s not very impressive

I think it's to do with how impressively you lead your team, rather than how impressive your team is... You just seem to have a downer on yourself. If you don't have experience, find a way to get some. A year or two down the line, you'll be in a different position, and much more able to do the things you won't.

All is not lost!

40 is no age! What do you do and want to do?

Assuming you've already taken out a student loan in the past, you can get postgrad loans or loans/ bursaries for some STEM and clinical subjects. Apprenticeship? Opportunities within your current company? Civil service is really good for moving up and into interesting roles once you get in at entry level.

If you're not sure what youd like to do then what about some voluntary work while you research, or online courses maybe or an extra part time job to give you more to talk about on your CV. School govs maybe, something like that would be good- quite responsible and serious but not a huge drain on your time.

Outside of sports and parts of the arts, I can't think of anything you're too old to train as. I even know a few people a similar age training in medicine.

OP you sound so fed up and disheartened but I think you need to just stop telling yourself these depressing things! Of course your kids benefited from you being there- sure, there are other ways you could have lived your life - some may have had better or worse outcomes - but that doesn’t invalidate the choices you made.

And will you look back on feeling demotivated and hopeless at 40 or will you look back and say “that’s the year I turned my life around and got myself back on track”?

If you taught for 6 years that’s a really good experience - I would expect you can still build on that. Knowledge and skills can be brushed up; if you were capable once you can be capable again. Don’t give up.

And no, fundamentally, the time with my kids wasn’t worthwhile. Plenty of my friends put their dc in childcare at 6 months and their dc are doing just as well

So there was no worth in spending the time with them, for you? It's just about comparing outcomes with regard to how well they're doing? How d'you know that they might not have healthier adult relationships, as a result of you staying home with them, or be more secure, emotionally?

I've always worked too, decent salary but been badly eroded over the years due to public sector pay freezes, BUT I have a decent pension to come.

I don't feel I missed out on anything. I'm glad I did it.

@Lostcause999 you are far from too late!! A friend of mine took 20 years out of the workplace to stay at home with her kids. Took a number of courses like computing etc, and has been successful in getting several jobs since.

You could look into low-cost training - or does your employer offer anything? Online training?

I can relate to the OP from the child’s perspective. There was a SAHP for much of my childhood and I have not turned out any better than my peers who grew up in households with two working parents (objectively worse actually). The SAHP also bitterly regretted giving up their career although has now made peace with this some 40 years later.

@Usernamen

Yes, but you're not a cross section of the population. Do kids generally grow up more secure if they have the full attention of a parent?