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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disheartened? I’ve left it too late.

290 replies

Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 19:48

I’m 40, 2dc, single mum.

Im in a basically minimum wage job that I was lucky to get given my lack of experience and poor skills.
I’m overqualified (academically) for some things but because I got those qualifications 20 years ago they’re irrelevant in anything that is above minimum wage. I stupidly stopped working when I had my oldest dc, went back briefly in between them and then unexpectedly fell pregnant with my second dc. And again - stupidly - had three years out and stayed home with her.
This has left me largely unemployable. I’ve no money or time to retrain so I’m stuck.
Im too old for a career now. I’m feeling really disheartened that I’ve wasted my life like this and will never have achieved anything worthwhile or interesting.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
mayorofcasterbridge · 08/11/2023 20:20

Mummymummy89 · 08/11/2023 19:57

Do you have a degree, and in what subject?

I've known ex-SAHMs retrain as teachers (I'm a teacher). It's tough going but (imo) no more than if you were a fresh graduate.

If you have a degree in a shortage subject (eg science, maths), or are fluent in another language, you'll find a training place easily. Lots of training-while-working jobs available now.

Depending on the subject, there can be not insubstantial bursaries available. My DC got £26k.

Usernamen · 08/11/2023 20:22

Watchkeys · 08/11/2023 20:19

@Usernamen

Yes, but you're not a cross section of the population. Do kids generally grow up more secure if they have the full attention of a parent?

In my generation no child had that - we were out playing all afternoon and only popped home to eat dinner!

Original poster
Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:22

My degree is in English Literature so it wouldn’t be a very desirable degree I wouldn’t have thought?

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 08/11/2023 20:23

Cross post. You gave the impression you had little experience but you've got lots including leadership! Might you need a bit of help reframing things and generally feeling more positive? CBT?

It sounds like you have a good broad idea of what you do want which is a strong position as it means you can start addressing what you need to do to get there. The jobs you're interested in- what do they require?

GeneCity · 08/11/2023 20:23

OP, you have qualifications, and management experience too - your opening post really didn't read like that.

What would you like to do, and how might you be able to do it?

Original poster
Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:23

I don’t think it benefitted either me or the dc to have me at home tbh.
It was a waste of those years.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 08/11/2023 20:23

Have you done any work for charities before? Usually they like you to have some sector experience but that can be as a volunteer. Do you have time for volunteering? Family volunteering is a thing so you may be able to bring your children.

mayorofcasterbridge · 08/11/2023 20:24

Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:22

My degree is in English Literature so it wouldn’t be a very desirable degree I wouldn’t have thought?

So's mine - don't knock it!! Plenty of transferable skills.

Would you like to go back to teaching? or work in another area in say a LA? There must be some kind of refresher training? There's certainly jobs!

Original poster
Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:24

I don’t even understand what some of the roles are asking for but I know when I read the person specification I don’t have all of it. I have a broad overview of some of it but I’m not expert in anything.
And they all pay badly, but I think that is the charity sector generally.

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 08/11/2023 20:24

Come on.......your in a far better position than a lot of people! They are crying out for teachers, surely you can do some sort of refresher course as they do in my profession (3 months when people have been out of the workplace looking after children for years). Your still young enough for a career, i was a stay at home mum, went to uni at 43 with three kids at school and qualified at 46 in NHS profession. You have plenty of time to do what you want to progress a career.

GeneCity · 08/11/2023 20:25

Well, it's past now, so there isn't much value in worrying about it.

How do you feel in yourself otherwise OP? You sound slightly flat.

ThePoshUns · 08/11/2023 20:26

What would you like to do?
Certainly not too late for a career change.
I have friends who retrained as midwife's, became PCSOs and teachers in their 40s.
Could you afford a session with a life coach? Sounds like you need someone to help you put a positive spin on this

Original poster
Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:28

So one I was just looking at - full time £27k so we aren’t talking masses of money - wants experience of project planning and evaluation. Experience of managing a budget. Experience of public speaking / presentations (have that) and about 50 other things of which I have perhaps half? It’s for a charity.

OP posts:
PurpleSneakers · 08/11/2023 20:28

I don’t think you should regret the time that you spent with your children, but now as they grow, it is time to focus on you - what you want to do in the future (and yes it can be done).

You have a degree, which is a great starting point for post-grad study or you could do a Diploma in something that you are truly interested in. Shorter courses are available low cost often online.

You should be kind to yourself and appreciate the choices you made and valued (even if it was valued at the time, it was valued for a reason) and use this as a point to go forth.

plumcherry · 08/11/2023 20:29

I don't think your teaching degree can go out of date?! If you want to do that still try supply or TA work to find a nice school and ease you back in?

Apollo14 · 08/11/2023 20:29

You are not too old, you are young! I lost most of my thirties to ill health them did a counselling postgrad. The good thing about these is that you have to do placements, so graduate with experience. There were a number of people on my course who were teachers and wanted to move into counselling children. They were successful in this, having a great skill set from being a teacher and contacts. I was 42 when I secured My first permanent counselling job.I am now mid fifties and a Band 8 cbt therapist in NHS. The NHS funded my CBT postgrad. As long as my health holds out I plan to work another 10 years. You are at a great age to make a change of direction. Go for it!

Original poster
Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:29

I feel pretty horrendous in myself generally, worn out all the time and too busy.
But that is life.

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 08/11/2023 20:31

Lostcause999 · 08/11/2023 20:23

I don’t think it benefitted either me or the dc to have me at home tbh.
It was a waste of those years.

I honestly don't think being at home with DC makes much of a difference to them in the long run.

They don't even remember much at all preschool, and then they're separated from you for a lot of the day when they go to school. I have three, and I can barely remember who did what when. I know two walked at 13 months and one at 15 months, but does it matter? They're adults and they all can walk!!

Same as no-one could mark them out as having been breastfed for at least a year each...

I'm really glad I kept on working, and my kids are all doing well in life. I am very proud of them. I spent every minute I could with them, and never left them overnight until they were quite old! I probably spent as much quality time with them as any SAHM because the time I was with them was devoted to them, and I don't care if that doesn't go down well with some!!

@Lostcause999 you have lots of options. You need to set about finding them.

MaryShelley1818 · 08/11/2023 20:31

Of course you're not too old. I'm 45 and just finished my second degree two months ago and have just started a new SW career with it.

TapertandEdkins · 08/11/2023 20:31

I had not worked in nearly 20 years.
At the age of 50 something I found myself unexpectedly divorced.
I took a minimum wage job and worked incredibly hard. Four years later I am on a significant salary in a senior role.
You can definitely do it with a lot of hard work and some luck.

PurpleSneakers · 08/11/2023 20:31

AFWIW I was SAHM for many years, now 45 and currently completing another degree (in a different area). Where there is a will, there is a way!

Flyhigher · 08/11/2023 20:31

I think your primary still counts. Go for it!
Your degree still counts. 40 is no age. Xxx

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 08/11/2023 20:31

I took 10 years off having my kids, went back to work at 39 years old as an assistant, got promoted after 9 months and am now working towards a management role.

I have nothing more than GCSE's and am close to completing a professional qualification.

If you want to go for it, just do it!! It's terrifying going back to work, but you have a lot of qualities I'm sure an employer will want. It's all about how you sell yourself

BMrs · 08/11/2023 20:32

My friend just started retraining as a midwife at 39

MimiSunshine · 08/11/2023 20:32

You sound like you feel 40 us ancient. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull your socks up.

every other 40 year old who went to uni at 18 also has a 20 year old degree now. If you want to get back into teaching, get in touch with some schools and sound them out, pick ip some supply work to ease back in.

you don’t need to tick every box in a job description just most of them. And a team of 7 is more than my manager has responsibility for so start reframing your responsibilities and experience and start selling yourself.