Fil’s ‘manners’

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

Just say 'Please stop, I get that you mean well, but it's annoying me.'

It sounds annoying, but I'd let him or turn it in to a silly game - he wont be around for ever

It’s charming and makes him happy. Indulge the old codger.

I’d just let those things go; they aren’t harmful.

Can I ask why it makes you feel uncomfortable? Is it because he doesn't do it for men?

I'd be tempted to just let it go as it's not actively harming anyone and it's probably his way of being polite / showing respect.

If it annoys you, tell him to stop. My DP holds my coat for me and opens the car door for me. I like it, so I don't tell him to stop.

One of the cutest things I've seen in years was in a restaurant a few years back. The elderly couple at the table next to us were preparing to leave, and the old man was holding his wife's coat up for her. She however was bimbling around, looking for her handbag, talking to the waitress, wondering where her reading glasses were...all those sweet bimbly things old people do. The old man just stood there patiently holding up her coat...he had the look of a man who'd been doing this for many years and would contentedly go on doing it until no longer needed.

Why make life awkward? Just go with the flow and let him continue to do these little polite things.

Why is this such a big issue? I grew up with a grandad who did all of this and while I appreciate the feminist perspective, I don't see it as him undermining my gender. He did it because that's what he's been taught to do as a child a part of "good manners" and was absolutely pro gender equality in all aspects (he taught me how to wire plugs, drive a motorbike and I still have a hammer he gifted me when I moved out).

I'd just let it slide, although I do see what you mean and I would find it mildly irritating too.

Not worth hurting his feelings over.

He has old fashioned values and personally would just indulge him. It's not hurting anyone and think he's just trying to be respectful/gentlemanly with the gestures.

For some people of that generation good manners are ingrained into them. My dad is like that, I appreciate it to be honest. I know times have moved on for other generations but there's no need in my opinion to make a point, when the way he's behaving is respectful and polite.

What a lot of fuss over nothing.

It's called being a gentleman.

Forcing attentions on people that they don't want and refusing to step through a door if held by a woman isn't "good manners".

@ItsMissChanandlerBong I understand in today's society it is annoying but he is obviously from a generation where women were the 'fairer sex' and you held doors open....'ladies first' and all that. Men would tip their hats at ladies and say good morning. People actually spoke and greeted each other as they passed in the street.

It's actually refreshing to hear it still exists as in some respects its a dying tradition that when his generation have gone it will seldom exist.

You could either ask him to stop or go along with it. Personally I would indulge it. There may come a time when you think back to your FIL when he has gone and no one holds the door for you and remember the manners he had with fondness.

He means well, I'm sure. I'd just go along with it to be honest, he's not hurting anyone.

Indeed. If your behaviour is consistently annoying to someone else, it's irrelevant whether you think you're being 'well-mannered' or not. The right kind of 'good manners' presumably pays some attention to the person on the receiving end.

Such a shame you feel uncomfortable. He’s not going to be around forever so maybe you can go with it without bad feeling?

My son in law is in his 40’s. He takes care of me a bit like this when I visit them. I enjoy it and am so glad he’s got old fashioned manners taught to him by his dad. A rarity these days.

Given my FIL is very rude and disrespectful towards me, and also has no manners (table manners or related to general politeness), I’d honestly count my blessings. It’s annoying but it’s a high quality problem 🤷‍♀️

He sounds lovely - there are so many complaints about in laws on here but being really nice and polite usually isn't one of them.

What on earth is the problem?

Just be gracious and thank him!

He sounds misguided but lovely. I understand his actions are not aligned with feminist values and today's society, but in this case it would do more harm to mention it.

He is not going to change his thinking and the only result of you mentioning it to him will be too cause him hurt and to maybe put a little distance between you.

I have recently got married to my partner of 30 years and have not changed my last name. There are a couple of older relatives that just do not understand and insist on addressing letters etc. with my husbands last name. It causes me annoyance but I love them and would not want to damage the remaining time I have with them.

Jesus ducking Christ.
Imagine being offended by your family trying to be nice to you.

How old are your kids op? I wouldn't want mine exposed to this kind of infantilising exist behaviour.

I'd let him tbh. Not sure why you feel uncomfortable about it?