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Original poster

Fil’s ‘manners’

182 replies

ItsMissChanandlerBong · 08/11/2023 16:38

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

OP posts:
reclaimmyboobs · 08/11/2023 21:30

Livinginanotherworld · 08/11/2023 21:25

You mean he acts like a gentleman? Would you rather he farted and swore at you. I’ve heard it all now.

Ah, the two options.

thistimelastweek · 08/11/2023 21:32

Livinginanotherworld · 08/11/2023 21:25

You mean he acts like a gentleman? Would you rather he farted and swore at you. I’ve heard it all now.

There's no.middle ground between performative manners and boorishness?

Like actual consideration for the real person?

OooohAhhhh · 08/11/2023 21:47

He sounds lovely & like a gentleman.

WinterDeWinter · 08/11/2023 21:53

Seriously I’m 55. Literally no one of my age does this elaborate shit unless they’ve made a very conscious decision to do so. It’s not ‘how they were brought up’, he’s forcing himself into your psychological space.

diddl · 08/11/2023 21:56

Because there are wider implications here, it is a very close member of the family.

Ah so of course the woman has to put up & shut up or keep putting herself out to preempt him.

If he's a reasonable adult he would surely rather be told that his behaviour makes someone uncomfortable & would then gladly stop?

However since he causes a fuss about not being able to hold a door open for whom he wants to I suspect he may not be entirely reasonable!

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/11/2023 22:00

diddl · 08/11/2023 21:56

Because there are wider implications here, it is a very close member of the family.

Ah so of course the woman has to put up & shut up or keep putting herself out to preempt him.

If he's a reasonable adult he would surely rather be told that his behaviour makes someone uncomfortable & would then gladly stop?

However since he causes a fuss about not being able to hold a door open for whom he wants to I suspect he may not be entirely reasonable!

However since he causes a fuss about not being able to hold a door open for whom he wants to I suspect he may not be entirely reasonable!

I'm with you there. It doesn't make him sound lovely at all that he couldn't seem to cope when things didn't go his own way.

Does he really do it to be polite? Or does he do it because he believes women need to be controlled and remain in their place which apparently isn't opening doors for men.

MissFancyDay · 09/11/2023 01:45

diddl · 08/11/2023 21:56

Because there are wider implications here, it is a very close member of the family.

Ah so of course the woman has to put up & shut up or keep putting herself out to preempt him.

If he's a reasonable adult he would surely rather be told that his behaviour makes someone uncomfortable & would then gladly stop?

However since he causes a fuss about not being able to hold a door open for whom he wants to I suspect he may not be entirely reasonable!

No, that's not actually what I said, the op doesn't have to put up with it at all. She has to weigh up the consequences of putting up with it as opposed to mentioning it, and go with what she can live with best. Only she can know. I would probably put up with it in this instance for the sake of my Dh, and that's not me being a sad little handmaid, it's taking the less shitty option.

TwoShades1 · 09/11/2023 01:57

Surely there’s a bit of middle ground? If you happen to open a door first then he “take over” when he arrives. But there’s no need to rush to get there first. Or simply choose any seat you like at the table, if it happens to be the one he pulls out, great. If you prefer another seat just say “oh I want to sit by the window/fire/etc for the view/breeze/heat, etc” and go sit there. He sounds lovely tbh.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 09/11/2023 04:11

He sounds lovely and I would lap it up. Sounds like he enjoys it. There aren't enough of these manners around these days

reclaimmyboobs · 09/11/2023 04:45

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 09/11/2023 04:11

He sounds lovely and I would lap it up. Sounds like he enjoys it. There aren't enough of these manners around these days

But OP doesn’t enjoy it. And he actively refused to walk through a doorway because she was holding the door open. Where is the lovely? How is it good manners to make other people uncomfortable or make their coat more difficult to put on?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 09/11/2023 05:11

I hardly think he's making her coat harder to put on

BeauSignoles · 09/11/2023 05:57

This sounds like my ex, who insisted that when we walked on the footpath, he walk on the outside. Why? Because in the old days, people would throw slops or whatever out of their window and the gallant thing for men to do was to take the brunt of it.

needless to say he had other weird ideas about women like how many sexual partners they should have and how they wear their hair.

user1497787065 · 09/11/2023 06:07

So now having good old-fashioned manners is wrong? Both my DH and DS always hold doors open for me.

SecondUsername4me · 09/11/2023 07:12

user1497787065 · 09/11/2023 06:07

So now having good old-fashioned manners is wrong? Both my DH and DS always hold doors open for me.

If you held a door open for them, would they walk through it or stand there and refuse til you went through first?

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 07:22

user1497787065 · 09/11/2023 06:07

So now having good old-fashioned manners is wrong? Both my DH and DS always hold doors open for me.

I'm absolutely astounded at how many women think other women should be ok with being kissed against their will and setting that example for their children to emulate because it's "good old-fashioned manners"

My children are taught body autonomy and that they don't have to accept being touched or kissed by anyone.

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 07:25

WinterDeWinter · 08/11/2023 21:53

Seriously I’m 55. Literally no one of my age does this elaborate shit unless they’ve made a very conscious decision to do so. It’s not ‘how they were brought up’, he’s forcing himself into your psychological space.

That's what I think.

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 07:31

Apart from the small of the back steering haven't come across this kind of thing for about 25 years when I was a much younger woman, but I would gandke it by smiling and saying there's no need and not complying. Holding out my hand for my coat, waiting to go through the door etc. My husband would back me in this. Would yours @ItsMissChanandlerBong? Would your MIL? Or would they be like the women on here who think you should submit to it?

user1471519902 · 09/11/2023 07:37

He's 57 its creepy and shoud stop.

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 07:45

Even if he was taught to do this as a young man in the 1980s (which he probably wasn't) if he treats women like this in the wider world he's had 30 years to learn that a lot of women don't like it.

And yet he still does it.

Lordly · 09/11/2023 07:54

verdantverdure · 08/11/2023 17:05

Forcing attentions on people that they don't want and refusing to step through a door if held by a woman isn't "good manners".

Agreed. There is something controlling about it. As well as sexist. No thanks.

Potofteaplease · 09/11/2023 07:54

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 07:22

I'm absolutely astounded at how many women think other women should be ok with being kissed against their will and setting that example for their children to emulate because it's "good old-fashioned manners"

My children are taught body autonomy and that they don't have to accept being touched or kissed by anyone.

Show quote history

But most relatives kiss on the cheek on arrival and departure!

user1471519902 · 09/11/2023 07:56

Three questions.
Is there a MIL..and does he do the same to her?
Is he working and does he do the same at work?
Would you feel uncomfortable alone with him?
Your next step depends on your answers.

Lordly · 09/11/2023 07:58

Throwawayme · 08/11/2023 19:10

He's just being an old gent. Please just indulge him. Mentioning it or asking him to stop will hurt his feelings.

He is 57. That is not an ‘old gent’.

Lordly · 09/11/2023 08:04

The moment anyone comments about a parent or pil on MN, some people pipe up with the cringey, ‘they won’t be here forever’ type of comments. Without even asking the age. They assume every parent is a fragile bedbound old dear about to expire.

We live in a country with pretty high life expectancy for most. People are not ‘old’ for quite some time. As a general point, we should not accept bad behaviour just because someone might die at some point. The OP won’t be here forever either; why shouldn’t her fil respect her boundaries?!

This fil is pretty young to have such rigid sexist manners. Refusing to go the door is hideously performative. And I hate the coat thing too.

verdantverdure · 09/11/2023 08:14

user1471519902 · 09/11/2023 07:56

Three questions.
Is there a MIL..and does he do the same to her?
Is he working and does he do the same at work?
Would you feel uncomfortable alone with him?
Your next step depends on your answers.

There's no way he's refusing to go through doors held by women at work if there's an HR Department, surely?!

At the end of the day can no woman go home until he's helped her on with her coat?!