Fil’s ‘manners’

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

He's just being an old gent. Please just indulge him. Mentioning it or asking him to stop will hurt his feelings.

My bloke does this and I love it. It’s such a shame that it’s dying out.

Let it go. No harm done!

I do agree with you, OP definitely shouldn't just accept anything that makes her feel truly uncomfortable. It's a fine line though, and a difficult thing to judge, which is why there are conflicting responses on here.

I suppose it comes down to intent. Does he intend to make OP uncomfortable? If not then there could be gentle ways to show she doesn't like it.

Op finds it uncomfortable-doesn't that matter?

Oh no of course-she's a woman-must "be kind" even at her own expense.

He is 57!

Would would Op miss what she doesn't like?

@Tribblesarelovely im horrible for feeling awkward when someone puts a coat on for me and refuses to walk through a door I’m holding open?! I’ve never said anything to him. The only difficult moment was when he declined to walk through the door. I’m not horrible

My FiL used to do all these things the OP described and it irritated the fuck out of me. (If he were still alive he would be about 110.)

He might well have seen it as courteous and gentlemanly; just seemed patronising to me. Like I couldn't even out of a car without his help.

Anyhow, I put up with it. Wasn't worth causing ill-feeling but I'm still not convinced he didn't see us women as lesser.

OP already rushes to the car door first, grabs her coat quickly as soon as she's leaving and doesn't sit anywhere next to him at dinner which are all ways to show she doesn't like it.

He's only 57?! Not a Captain Tom style old gent then. Really, it's weird behaviour. He's making a point. If it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn't be doing it.

Is this a joke?
He sounds lovely!
You're being totally unreasonable !!!

If he was 87 then you know, maybe, bit a man of only 57 knows some women don't want this and after the awkward moment ge must have a pretty good idea that @ItsMissChanandlerBong doesn't want this.

And yet he still does it.

I don't even like men pushing me in the small of the back to steer me.

I wouldn't handle compulsory kissing At All.

If it's manners and nice and no big deal why don't they do it to other men?

See my post above.
My FIL was way older than this guy and even allowing for the generation difference, I didn't find it lovely.

I totally get what the OP is saying. It's all about him and how he wants to he seen. It's the softer edge 9f the objectification of women.

Don't people have boundaries about who kisses them anymore?

He's being a gentleman and looking after you. He's doing it not because you can't but because he wants to. I find it charming and enjoy being looked after like this, especially after being in the rat race all day

Imagine actually saying that out loud in the real world 😂

Now imagine you didn't want it and he still did it.

Is he still being a gentleman?

Yup, he's doing it because he wants to and doesn't give a flying fuck about how you feel about it.

OP doesn't find it charming and doesn't enjoy it though.

I think it's really sad how many women think that Op should tolerate this because they would like it, he means well, he sounds lovely.

A man is doing something that makes a woman feel uncomfortable.

Why should this be excused at all?

Because there are wider implications here, it is a very close member of the family.

If this was a man at work, or a social setting, I would agree with you. But the OP has to consider the effect any mention of his behaviour would have. It might impact on family gatherings, only the OP can say.

Obviously if she felt there was any sinister intent on his part that would be different, but there doesn't seem to be.

You mean he acts like a gentleman? Would you rather he farted and swore at you. I’ve heard it all now.

I really hate those sorts of things but if it was my FIL who I was very fond of and was a lovely person, I’d accept it as his way and just get on with it.