Fil’s ‘manners’

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

The OP isn't being in the least unreasonable.

The FIL is exhibiting remarkably bad manners in forcing his antiquated, gendered ideas about 'good manners' on someone who visibly doesn't want to be subjected to it.

If good manners involve making the other person feel at ease (cf the apocryphal story always approvingly mentioned on here of Some Royal (who has been everyone from Qeeen Victoria to Prince Philip) drinking out of their finger bowl because some flustered guest had done so in error), then he should note from her behaviour (avoiding sitting near him at meals, rushing into her coat and ahead to the car) that his 'manners' are making her uncomfortable, and stop. It's not rocket science.

Though you'd have to be fairly dense not to notice that when a woman holds a door open for her husband because he's carrying their baby, you're really not making anyone's life easier by then refusing to walk through it, because you're a man and she's a woman, and it's wrong, even though said woman is just trying to get through a fucking door with her husband and a child, not needing some display of chivalry.

I'm going to assume the FIL is well-meaning, but not very sensitive and that the OP, if she values their relationship, is going to have to tell him to stop, gently but firmly.

How dad that traditional manners are now seen negatively

How sad that women who are on the receiving end of actions they do not want are still being told to shut up lest it hurt the man's feelings.

Hear hear, @SecondUsername4me.

Women should not be telling other women they need to put up with behaviour that makes them uncomfortable from men.

I just think no wonder there's so much child abuse and domestic abuse when women police other women's boundaries and apparently don't think we are allowed any.

I can only imagine what children take from the attitude that you should just shut up and put up with whatever a man wants to do to you.

Bit of a leap from showing manners towards a lady and putting up with abuse.

Not really. If a woman's boundaries aren't respected for the basic stuff such as not wanting a kiss on the cheek, why would their boundaries suddenly be respected when it gets more serious?

Women are expected to put up and shut up and well, we already know the consequences of that in society and it isn't great. It's all part of the problem.