Fil’s ‘manners’

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

I think it's quite normal to greet and say goodbye to family members with a kiss on the cheek. He sounds lovely. The only thing that would annoy me is trying to put my coat on. It's not something that I'd complain about to be honest.

@justalittlesnoel I think I feel like it infantilises me more than from a feminist perspective (although yes it does bother me that it’s only because I’m female). Especially the coat thing. I feel like a child having my coat put on 😬

I think that having elaborate, markedly different behaviours for one sex sexualises these exchanges (by making the woman feel very conscious of their sex) and in fact were developed to do just that. 'Manners' is just the flipside of the oppression coin. The other side is treating some - race, class and occupation is critical here - women abusively.

I don't know how you'd deal with it with FIL though - he's probably unconscious of the impact on you. Again, though, that says it all - as does the fact that you're probably secretly worried that he will be enraged and make things very difficult if you mention it, rather than apologising and changing how he behaves to you.

My own father did it and it was very creepy.

Aw I'd indulge him. It's clearly very important to him. I think it's lovely.

He won't be around forever 🥰

Agree.

It makes OP uncomfortable regardless of his intentions. She shouldn’t have to tolerate it just because it’s how he chooses to be.

@Vinrouge4 there’s been no fuss at all, I’m just an awkward person and don’t want to upset him. Just wanted to know if I was being rude by avoiding the coat thing etc. Happy to be told I am and change how I am with him 😊

I once read that true manners are making sure the other person feels at ease. Any "manners" you impose that make them uncomfortable are not a polite as you think.

I think it depends how much it bothers you. My dad has always held car doors for me my whole life without ever doubting my capabilities. But I am also 100% sure he would stop if I told him it bothered me. Because I know this, I don't need him to stop, I can just accept it in the manner it's intended. That's the difference to me between being genuinely polite and something a bit more complicated.

Yes we should all put up with being dressed like we are little girls.
Watch old films and see how women were infantilised, which fed into the beliefs around our husbands having the right to control us and the police not taking us seriously.

@Seren00090 oh no I’m not offended! I know how lucky I am. He’s amazing. I just feel awkward having coats put on me, not being able to hold a door open for him etc but from the responses on here I need to suck it up and appreciate how lovely he is. It’s obviously my issue

@ItsMissChanandlerBong

If FiL treats you with respect, if he doesn't denigrate you or women in general as 'lesser than' then I'd just let it go. It's old fashioned manners and he's not making some sort of statement of your or a woman's status in society.

My DH still opens doors for me, helps me on with my coat, and I occasionally find him walking on the street side of the pavement. I certainly don't take it as gestures of disrespect. Rather, I see them as harmless gestures of affection.

@WB205020 this is a really helpful response. Thank you. It is refreshing and I should appreciate how nice he is to me

I think it’s charming. I thought this thread was going to be about how rude he was. He sounds delightful

It’s quite lovely I think. It sounds like he’s very fond you. Maybe not a hill to die on.

I hate it too... its sexist and infantalising, nothing 'charming' about it.

charm means 'to delight someone' if OP is not delighted by these actions (in fact irritated and a little offended) then its in no way 'charming'.

Its fine for a man to hold the door if he is there first but to refuse to walk through a door your holding or to race me to the door like a child because a woman couldn't possibly... ewww no.

I had a ex that did it and everyone thought the sun shone out of his arse but honestly it was the dullest relationship in the world and I couldn't stand it (needless to say hes an ex).

Why assume he's an old codger? You can be a grandfather at 40. This sounds very much like the sort of thing people like Jacob Rees-Mogg would do (shudders).

Also the 'suck it up, your comfort doesn't matter since hes being a nice guy'... is so sickening to hear coming from other women.

Just want to reiterate that I know this is not even an actual problem and I do know how lucky I am. Fil is great and there’s no bad intent.

Thinking about it, it’s really the coat thing that bothers me. But the talk about how he won’t always be around has made me realise it’s a small thing to put up with. I would never make a fuss about it and haven’t mentioned anything to DH. I suppose I just wanted to see what other’s perspective was

I don't kiss or hug anyone I don't want to, so I'd say something about the cheek kisses. The rest I'd not raise as it's harmless quirks.

However, your children - do you have boys and girls? I'd raise any disparity in the way he treats them.

@Haydenn 😂 he’s 57 so not really old

Not a very pleasant or respectful way to describe an elderly man.

This.

MY (late) used to eat like an animal, fart and belch - no matter who was there, sit down without leaving a seat for anyone else (he'd put his legs up on the settee), scoff the last of the potatoes/veg/dessert/wine. etc., without waiting to see if anyone else might like some.

Be glad your FIL is a gentleman.

Cracking up at “elderly”! The “old codger” is a decrepit 57 😂

He’s a man of his time. I’d leave it.

Oops! I’ve just seen his age! He’s 2 years older than me! Well. That is verrry unusual behaviour!

Oh FFS... Have you not heard of chivalry? Surely this is better than some arsehole going through a door first and letting it slam in your face. It's gentlemanly manners is all. After reading about the abusive and nasty arseholes in so many posts on here you should thank your lucky stars you have a gentleman as a FIL.

Yes. I don’t want my coat put on for me or to have to do a silly dance to change around who’s going through a door and who’s holding it instead of just behaving normally. But because it’s “manners” OP has to indulge him? Whereas if he were a mouth kisser or a hugger, does she have to indulge him there too, because he means well and he wants to do it?