Fil’s ‘manners’

[ItsMissChanandlerBong]

This is a bit of an awkward issue, and I’m hoping for some advice on how to deal with it!

My fil is THE loveliest man. We have a great relationship and he’s an amazing fil and grandad. But one awkward thing keeps cropping up, his insistence on ‘old fashioned manners’. These include opening all doors for me, pulling out chairs, kisses on the cheek on greeting and leaving, all of which make me very uncomfortable! He even attempts to put my coat on for me by picking it up and holding it out.

I once got to a door first and held it open for my husband who was carrying our son. My fil refused to walk through unless he was holding it open as it would be rude! This led to a weird awkward standoff.

I suppose I want to know if I’m being unreasonable and should just let him do these things for me (which he NEVER does for his son or any other male) or do I keep doing what I’m doing (rushing ahead to get to the car first, grabbing my coat as soon as we’re leaving and deliberately choosing a chair no where near him at dinner). Or do I brave it and say to him I’d rather do it myself…

Does it anger you when someone says, “You first?”
Do you get irrationally angry when someone holds the door for you?
Does it piss you right off when someone is polite to you?
Then buy my latest book: TEN STEPS TO GREATER WARMTH AND CHARMTH

He is five years older than me. He is 57. This is not an elderly Vera Lynn generation.

Indulge him, please.
It won't last forever.

He’s 57, not 87. OP shouldn’t have to put up with unwanted cheek kisses etc for potentially 20+ years just to please a man.

It makes her uncomfortable and if he’s such a ‘gentleman’, he’d be considerate of OP’s feelings too and not want to make her feel like that.

It's always him isn't it?

Indulge him
Be kind to him
Appreciate his quirks

Fuck that.

Exactly.

Why does a mans feelings always trump a woman’s?

Fuck that indeed.

👆this

Did you "indulge him he's not hurting anyone" posters not read the part where he's making a woman uncomfortable or doesn't that matter?

I think so too.

Why is there a lack of understanding from some on here that actually, its more "respectable and gentlemanly" to not act in a way which treats her differently to how he treats men? To do things she is uncomfortable with? To not walk through a door she is holding open?

This would make me very uncomfortable. Personally, I compromise with some things, for example, I thank people, young or old, of any gender, who hold open a door for me, and I politely decline 'assistance', or being touched when I don't want it. I put in my own coat, and avoid kisses/being steered, as this is what I'm happy with. YADNBU

Because his manners are traditional and most women wouldn’t object. She can make her feelings clear but she can expect a lot of eye rolling.

He refused to walk through a door she was holding open for him! He cannot insist he is treating her respectfully if he refuses to allow the same treatment back to him from her.

I agree it only matters that the OP isn’t comfortable with it, not whether any of us would be.

I personally don’t like it when men hold doors for me so that they then walk through the door behind me. I don’t like men walking close behind me, I like them where I can see them.

I wonder how many women want to object but are made to feel like they can't because it is 'traditional'? OP is probably saying what a lot of women are feeling but don't actually say because they want to 'be nice' and feel as they have to put a man's feelings above their comfort.

If a man is such a gentleman, he'd hate the thought of making a woman feel uncomfortable.

Oh god, I was expecting him to be in his 80s!

I was going to say that I would just let it be as it is harmlesss, but for some reason him being closer to my age (42) than I expected is making me feel a little differently about it. Tough one.

Wow men with manners is a rare find these days, whats there to be upset about hopefully your son will take a leaf out of granddads book.

Last time i had anything to do with stranger males i was on public transport,8months pregnant with a massive bump as has extra amniotic fluid due to diabetes- i was worried for my bump as men literally pushes past me to get onto a train and no one gave me any space i had to keep my hands on front of my bump to keep people away.

not sure still why are you upset?

Helping you with your coat isn't dressing you like a little girl, it's showing you respect - as is opening doors and pulling out chairs. My husband, father and father in law all do these things, as well as stand when a lady leaves or enters the home. Its sad that there are so few people left with proper manners that it's seen as odd, infantising or patronising.

But that's how OP feels which isn't wrong just because you might not feel the same way.

I feel the same as OP and would hate for a man to do any of those things just because I'm a woman.

But it's always been a British cultural thing that men from "good" families are raised to do these things. I mean, if you don't like it personally then shout up at the time.

Yeah but why?

Why is it a "thing" that specifically men treat specifically women in a certain way?

Due to sexism. It's time we move on from treating women differently.

Or at least be mindful that it's 2023 and not all women like it.

My husband has lovely manners so he would never refuse to go through a door held by a woman.

He doesn't kiss women in greeting, pull out their chair or put their coats on for them either.

Of course you’re being unreasonable.

And unmannerly. Part of care for others (which is what manners are) is accepting kindness with grace. You don’t sound very graceful.

In that case, FIL is unmannerly too since he refused to step through the door when OP opened it because he felt like he should’ve opened it.