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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS hurt another child, so humiliated

288 replies

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 16:34

So there's a boy that annoys DS. Seems to revel in winding DS up just to before the point where he's actively naughty. Not an excuse, just context.

Today the child, C, did something annoying but not something that harmed DS - screwed up some paper on the table. DS thought he was going to throw it at him so DS pushed down on C's hand to make him drop the paper, hurting C.

Happened right at the end of school so DS was told off and sent to another classroom for the last half hour but no time to discuss punishment with SLT.

I just feel so humiliated that school will think he's a violent child who witnessed violence in the home and it just acting out his upbringing. This isn't the case.

I've told him he's looking at an internal exclusion (for deliberately putting hands on C to hurt him) and once I can talk to DH tomorrow a punishment at home. I've told him if this happens again he'll end up excluded permanently and he won't be able to see his friends. He hates the idea of being homeschooled. I've explained that being internally excluded could mean him missing photo day with his brothers in school and a cultural day. No pint grounding him, he doesn't go out without us, even Cubs he goes to with me. He's not allowed to play his game tonight or on YouTube later.

What punishment would you give and how the fuck is this my life and my child? I don't understand where we've gone wrong or how I'm meant to stop this given I don't know where I've messed up as a parent.

I'm so angry with him and me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2023 16:36

You’re spiralling and catastrophising. Take a breath.

SoupDragon · 08/11/2023 16:36

Massive overreaction on your part. He pushed a hand down, he didn't punch him or something equally aggressive.

how old is he?

Ratfinkstinkypink · 08/11/2023 16:36

You are making some massive leaps here. how old is he?

EvilElsa · 08/11/2023 16:38

OP, kindly, you are totally over reacting. He pushed someone's hand down. No, it wasn't the right thing to do, but he's not on pathway to being a career criminal.
You've told him it was wrong, he was removed from the class. He's not on YouTube tonight. That's enough.

AutumnNamechange · 08/11/2023 16:38

Doesn’t sound too bad - how old are the kids? You are completely over reacting, if he is being punished at school why are you also punishing him at home? Seems really over the top for a fairly minor incident.

Dacadactyl · 08/11/2023 16:38

You've gone way OTT! Kids fuck up!

Just make his punishment fit the crime. See what school say and tell your son once they've been in touch about it he may have to lose his electronic privileges for a week, but it depends on what's actually happened.

Topseyt123 · 08/11/2023 16:38

Why the fuck would he be excluded for such a non-event?

You're catastrophising big time and now you have worried DS about something which won't happen.

Smugandproud · 08/11/2023 16:39

Well if he ever does something really bad I don’t know what punishment you’ll have left.
He needs one punishment from you appropriate to the behaviour.
School will deal with it too.
Do it quickly and start a new sheet.

Cheeesus · 08/11/2023 16:40

Gosh he won’t be excluded for that sort of thing. Is he 8-10?
I’d think that school can handle it, plus the night of no screens that you’re doing.

KissTheRains · 08/11/2023 16:41

I wouldn't punish him.
The school already has.

I'd tell him violence is wrong, hurting people is wrong, but he and everyone in the world has a right to protect themselves from harm.

Sounds like C is the one that needs their attitude adjusting to me. If they keep pushing people, eventually someone will be pushed too far and they'll really get hurt.

Theunamedcat · 08/11/2023 16:41

Tell the school to separate them they don't get along and it's not in any9nes best interests for them to be anywhere near each other

RoseBucket · 08/11/2023 16:42

Oh my days!

Thesearmsofmine · 08/11/2023 16:43

Wtf! He must only be around 8/9/10 if he goes to cubs, why are you being so over dramatic?

LessOfMe99 · 08/11/2023 16:45

Really op? Humongous overreaction on your part....
He doesn't need any punishment at home for that- he has been punished at school. You are never going to get through parenting teenagers if you don't take a step back and calm down and learn to cope a bit better with what is a minor incident.

Tobacco · 08/11/2023 16:45

Is this the first time he's hurt someone? Just explain what happened to the school. They're not going to think he's got a violent home life over one incident, nor will they throw him out the school. Is there some information you've left out like he's constantly lamping people?

Crunchymum · 08/11/2023 16:46

You may not be a violent home but you sound very over zealous with punishment!!

GwenGhost · 08/11/2023 16:46

The threshold for permanent exclusion is way beyond this OP. He might be asked to apologize to the other kid, you may well be asked to come into school to discuss the incident and he was already sent out the classroom for the rest of the day.
The most useful thing here would be for you to talk to him about how to express his annoyance/anger verbally (not shouting, just normal volume) and also to learn to remove himself from the situation when he feels like physically retaliating.

Tobacco · 08/11/2023 16:49

Crunchymum · 08/11/2023 16:46

You may not be a violent home but you sound very over zealous with punishment!!

NerrSnerr · 08/11/2023 16:50

If he's in cubs he must be year 4, 5 or 6? Is that right? He won't be suspended or excluded for this- nowhere near. You need to chill out. Let the school deal with it, have a chat with him and take a massive deep breath.

OnlyFannys · 08/11/2023 16:50

Jesus chriat op you need to calm down and fast! Your poor child you must be making him feel like a bloody criminal. If anything you should be discussing with the school the behaviour generally of him and the other child as it sounds like the other boy has been deliberately provoking him and your son has reached the end of his tether, you should be supporting him rather than punishing him. Most importantly it's not about you or how you perceive it makes you look, you need to get a grip before you cause your child mental harm

Tobacco · 08/11/2023 16:50

@Crunchymum Sorry didn't mean to quote you. That was for the op

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 16:51

He's 8, year 4.

Maybe I am.

I was in school two weeks ago because a DIFFERENT child pushed him over and we ended up in hospital but now he's hurting others.
He's also really physical with his 3 yo brothers, slapping their hands of they're holding something he wants, being really rough with them of they upset him so I'm conflating my annoyance.

He struggled to control his temper and will say he lost control and it happened by accident
Obv I correct the use of the word "accidentally"

OP posts:
DistrictAndCircle · 08/11/2023 16:51

I think it only fair that you chop his hands off for such a serious offence.

ToddlerIs2 · 08/11/2023 16:52

Topseyt123 · 08/11/2023 16:38

Why the fuck would he be excluded for such a non-event?

You're catastrophising big time and now you have worried DS about something which won't happen.

Because school have a zero tolerance on kids hurting each other in purpose?? Internal exclusion so in heads office. The child who pushed DS over resulting in a split lip got a week.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 08/11/2023 16:52

Good grief, is everything in your life this dramatic? It must be exhausting.

It appears to be a 1 off response to a situation. I wouldn’t start giving out what will happen at school because you don’t know yet.